Firstly, I have amazing friends.
They fill my life with love and laughter (and lots of “that’s what she said” jokes). They remind me how awesome my life is, can, and will be. They take me to brunch when I am poor. They give me extra hugs when it’s obvious I need them. And they accept the fact that I will order a second Strawberry Lemonado from Applebee’s after seeing my ex, then sing all the words to “Fuck You” very loudly in the car on the way back to their house.
Secondly, I cannot wait to get out of this town. I am so incredibly tired of running into ghosts and living with demons.
I am tired of feeling inexplicably guilty for going to fucking Target. I am tired of feeling like I shouldn’t be seen in any bar ever.
I am tired of avoiding streets and stores. I am tired of semi-hiding.
I guess that, really, the worst is over. I doubt I’ll even stumble across him again before I leave.
That means the last time I’ll see him in my life, he’ll have had a Mohawk.
I wonder if he’s even working anymore.
I went to a dance show to see two of the sisters in what I consider my extended family Saturday night.
The show was great.
That was where I saw him. For the first time in months.
Typically I’m pretty good at avoiding places I think he might be just because I think we have nothing left to say to each other… And I really believe we are both sick and tired of fighting with each other. That’s all our conversations ever turned into anyway.
The memories are really the hardest part that’s left.
The idea of someone that looks at me like I’m the most amazing thing on the planet. Someone who I am attracted to that is completely attracted to me.
Someone who, despite those things, in no way deserved me.
Once I realized his daughter was in the show, I hoped I’d somehow luck out and they’d sit in a completely different area or go to the matinee. Only one of those hopes was realistic, I knew that.
Goober was adorable. It’s insane how much she looks like him. The whole time she was dancing she had the same expression on her face that he used to have while on his bike.
I briefly considered saying hello (after the initial panic attack had worn off). But I know it’s better this way. With no contact. No acknowledgement of each other’s presence.
I'm starting to wonder if it ever becomes not-awkward to run into an ex (who is not currently your friend). Even someone you know you don't want to be with.
My quasi-sisters were fantastic. And gorgeous, as usual. I’m really glad I got to see them dance; I never have before.
Actually, I never tried to be involved in “family” activities as much as I have in the last few months. I think that’s one of the best changes I’ve made this year.
I initially intended this post to be a semi-funny story about getting kinda drunk at Applebee’s after the show. But then I made the mistake of listening to this song. I’m a sucker for Blue October. Stupid Facebook feed. That, coupled with my lack of sleep last night, has made me seriously contemplative.