Monday, June 13, 2011

The Inevitable.

Firstly, I have amazing friends. 
They fill my life with love and laughter (and lots of “that’s what she said” jokes).  They remind me how awesome my life is, can, and will be.  They take me to brunch when I am poor.  They give me extra hugs when it’s obvious I need them.  And they accept the fact that I will order a second Strawberry Lemonado from Applebee’s after seeing my ex, then sing all the words to “Fuck You” very loudly in the car on the way back to their house.  

Secondly, I cannot wait to get out of this town.  I am so incredibly tired of running into ghosts and living with demons.  

I am tired of feeling inexplicably guilty for going to fucking Target.  I am tired of feeling like I shouldn’t be seen in any bar ever.  

I am tired of avoiding streets and stores.  I am tired of semi-hiding.  

I guess that, really, the worst is over.  I doubt I’ll even stumble across him again before I leave.  

That means the last time I’ll see him in my life, he’ll have had a Mohawk.  

I wonder if he’s even working anymore.

I went to a dance show to see two of the sisters in what I consider my extended family Saturday night.  

The show was great.  

That was where I saw him.  For the first time in months.  

Typically I’m pretty good at avoiding places I think he might be just because I think we have nothing left to say to each other…  And I really believe we are both sick and tired of fighting with each other.  That’s all our conversations ever turned into anyway.

The memories are really the hardest part that’s left.

The idea of someone that looks at me like I’m the most amazing thing on the planet.  Someone who I am attracted to that is completely attracted to me. 

Someone who, despite those things, in no way deserved me.

Once I realized his daughter was in the show, I hoped I’d somehow luck out and they’d sit in a completely different area or go to the matinee.  Only one of those hopes was realistic, I knew that.  

Goober was adorable.  It’s insane how much she looks like him.  The whole time she was dancing she had the same expression on her face that he used to have while on his bike.  

I briefly considered saying hello (after the initial panic attack had worn off).  But I know it’s better this way.  With no contact.  No acknowledgement of each other’s presence.  

I'm starting to wonder if it ever becomes not-awkward to run into an ex (who is not currently your friend).  Even someone you know you don't want to be with. 

My quasi-sisters were fantastic.  And gorgeous, as usual.  I’m really glad I got to see them dance; I never have before.  

Actually, I never tried to be involved in “family” activities as much as I have in the last few months.  I think that’s one of the best changes I’ve made this year.  

I initially intended this post to be a semi-funny story about getting kinda drunk at Applebee’s after the show.  But then I made the mistake of listening to this song.  I’m a sucker for Blue October.  Stupid Facebook feed.  That, coupled with my lack of sleep last night, has made me seriously contemplative.  



  1. No matter how large people might think Redding is, you always seem to run into unwanted people. I am so sorry to hear about your pain. He must have hurt you in so many ways. Both physically and mentally. I am happy to hear that you are a good person; you think that about yourself and it be the truth.

    I think Applebees is alright, they have a good selection of different drinks to order. I remember celebrating after the completion of a recent semester. We all had margaritas. Good times.

    My advice would be to try ignoring these awful people. Surround yourself with your friends and have a good time. Don't let your past experiences, ghosts and demons upset you too much. Having your past experiences dictate where you go makes sense in your case, but shouldn't be necessary. They win when you fear going to places you enjoy visiting.

    Have a great rest of the week. I am sad to hear you are leaving town. Your online friend Clark Kent.

  2. @CK-- Are you trying to tell me you like the nicknames better than "anonymous"?

    I'm not really big on food there, but the drink I had was AMAZING. It was like a blended lemonade. I think I'm burned out on margaritas, so I find myself trying a lot of different drinks.

    It's not so much about there being awful people as just the same people. I'm tired of dealing with the small chance that I might run into someone I don't care to. As I mentioned in another post, despite my fears and anxieties, I still go do the things I want to do. I just avoid the baby section at Target now. And I very rarely go anywhere on Lake Blvd or take the Hilltop to get to town from there. At this point, it's pretty much habit to avoid my old apartment complex and stores close to where he's living.

    I'm sorry you're sad I'm leaving... I won't stop blogging, though. So, really, you won't get a chance to miss me. Unless you stop reading.

  3. I know what you mean about ghosts in a town. I have lived in Chico since I was in 3rd grade. I hate running into people I knew from my "other life". I'm a grown up now. I'm not that pink haired girl with acid in her pocket and vodka in her gateroade. I don't ever want to be again, and I wish people wouldn't pop up in my life and remind that I once was.

    You were brave in avoiding him, as weird as that sounds. I think it takes courage not to walk up to someone that half of your brain probably wants to walk up to and let yourself get destroyed. You chose self preservation. Bravo!

  4. @Patty-- I completely understand. I wish I could avoid all reminders of the years between ages 17 and 22. But since I know I can't, I find ways to adjust. I can't picture you with pink hair and vodka Gatorade. I don't know why.

    Thanks. It just felt like a trap, you know? Plus, he was with his parents and, at this point, all three of them probably hate me. Which is cool, I guess. They aren't in my life, so it doesn't matter if they like the memory of me or not. They have no idea who I am now.

  5. Clark Kent is a great alias. You gave it to me you know. I doubt I can ruin this one, so I will keep it. Unless I can think of a dirty term derived from the abbreviation CK.

    Oh I will continue to read and comment. Unless you put an end to it all. You could privatize your blog, but that wouldn't be fun. Arn't I just the funnest commenter? I have probably made you laugh the most. You'd miss me, I know you would. :P Affectionately yours, Clark Kent.

  6. @CK-- I have no intention to privatize my blog. Though, I don't know that I'd call you the "funnest commenter." That could be a little overboard. :) But seriously, thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate both.