Thursday, February 21, 2013

Debilitating Sickness.

I still am not positive why I was feeling the way I was when I wrote that last blog.  I think I just won't be satisfied until I'm done being a music major and done with school, period.  Also, I felt like I'd barely seen Yoshi since before I went home for Christmas break.

Things have been a little better.

One of my very dear friends gave her junior recital almost two weeks ago and Yoshi and I had a long talk about how we need to spend more quality time together.  That night/early the next morning one of my roommates came down with the stomach flu.  The other roommate came down with it the following afternoon.

That night, while I was standing in my backyard crying, I decided to go stay at a friend's.  Yoshi packed me a bag while I told him what to put in it from the car and we went over at about midnight.  My friend, Canada, got sick around 3:30 that morning and I followed six hours later.

At that point I was afraid to leave her house.  Since we made pretty compatible sick buddies (both pretty germophobic and fastidious), it worked out in a way.

Yoshi got sick the next day, so we ended up spending three nights on her couch before finally coming home.  When we finally did come home, we were all a little sad.  I miss that time with her.

It's hard to forge a bond stronger than that virus.  It was one of the worst things ever.  Now the three of us have a bond that cannot be broken.  While having the flu was pretty much the worst thing ever, I have to say that it strengthened a good friendship and really made an impact for the better on my relationship.  Also, spending Valentine's day watching Kill Bill with those two was pretty much the best thing.

Saturday Yoshi and I journeyed to Santa Cruz to see Oose perform burlesque for the first time.  This also afforded me the opportunity to meet the guy she's been seeing and introduce Yoshi to her family, an important milestone.  The last person I was dating that I took to meet them was Sterling and, to put it simply, it didn't go well.  Oose's mom took me aside before we left and told me that I looked terribly unhappy and that Sterling wasn't good for me.  That trip was so epically bad that I was nervous on the way over this time.

I had no reason to be.

Yoshi is comfortable with pretty much everyone.  He talked with her dad about painting, chilled with her brother talking about marine bio shit, and couldn't leave their dog alone.  Every time her mom saw him she would remark at how cute he was.  She told me she was glad to see me so happy.

I almost didn't realize how happy I was.  Then she pointed it out and I remembered so many details of that trip with Sterling that I don't like to think about.  I'm lucky.  Lucky I got out.  Lucky I finally said goodbye.  Lucky I had the courage (and the support from Oose) to help me open my heart up to the man of my dreams.

I've realized that no matter how much I think talking to him won't help, it will fix everything.  He would do anything for me.  But he won't let me go.  And he won't hurt me.  He is my puzzle piece.

I was happy to see Oose with someone who makes her laugh the way Yoshi does me.  I really hope they are able to work out their kinks and just be happy with each other.  I want to see her finally be happy with someone.  She deserves it.  We both do.  

Also, I caught a cold over the weekend. So I've basically just been sick for two weeks.  Sigh.  Hopefully it improves soon.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Where to Go From Here.

I can't pinpoint the source of my current state of generalized anxiety and sort of down-ness.

It's either my off-kilter schedule so far this semester, my depression over being a music major, or Yoshi and my need for him to grow up.  It's the one thing about our relationship that I really ever doubt.  And the amount of contact I've had with him for the last six weeks are sort of discouraging.

I am to the point where I almost need to tell him I have to break it off until he has lived on his own for a while and we can see if it will work then.  But every time I think I'm going to have to talk to him about it, we have a long talk and resolve all of the other issues I'm having and it doesn't seem that bad anymore.

It just keeps coming back.  I don't know how long I can take this.  I love him very much, obviously.  I think that's why it breaks my heart so much.

He's still young.  I know he cares about me, but there are experiences he needs to have that I don't want to take away from him.  I don't want to hold him back or control or change him.  But I need more than what he's really able to offer me and that's not a fair situation for either of us.

I miss being the person I was when I was just working and taking a night class at a time.  I hate being a full-time student.  I hate being this person who complains and isn't funny or interesting on my blog.  I just start typing and all these negative things flood out because I'm really not dealing with them at all.

I really think it's best at this point for me to do what I haven't been doing enough for...  Forever, I guess.  Just ignore everything except school and work.  When I have time to spare I'll spend it with friends.  But there's no reason for me to waste as much time and energy as I have in the last few months on something or someone that's not going to be able to do the same back.

And it's really fine that he's busy.  I want him to be successful in all of his endeavors.  But I can't be something that falls by the wayside because I love him and obviously that's going to keep me going until he is able to spend time with me again.  Whenever that may be.

In all honesty, if I could turn the calendar back two or three years, I would.  I would be perfectly content to sit in my office wearing my favorite shoes and my favorite jeans, drinking tea with my morning toast and doing the one thing I've ever felt competent doing.  Instead I'm stuck in school, poor as fuck, with a major that I dislike and a major I won't get to start until the fall.  And somehow I've traded Sterling for someone who loves me at least as much but hardly devotes any of his time to our relationship, instead of devoting way too much of his time to our relationship.

I don't know what to do.