Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Way Hope Works.

I'm in a difficult situation.  One I've never really been in before.  

I've had a decent number of boyfriends in my life.  I'm pretty sure my parents only liked maybe two of them.  In the past I've more or less managed to avoid openly being with someone my parents hated.  All of my relationships lasted six months or less, except for two.  The shitstorm with Sterling and my current relationship.

Knowing my parents hated Sterling made me realize I could never spend my life with him, even if I forgave him for everything he put me through (which I have) and still loved him enough to want to be with him (which I don't).  

After Yoshi visited me in Redding last summer while we were having a lot of problems with our relationship (read: me being an insensitive asshole because I felt him stagnating/being dishonest with me and him being depressed as a result of pressure I was putting on him and neither of us talking about it) and they saw how unhappy I was and how dysfunctional our relationship was then, it seemed as though my parents more or less put him in the same box as Sterling.  

Now that we've solved most of our issues they seem to be the last to forgive him.  I understand because they haven't seen him once since last summer and the bullshit that occurred between August and November and they've always been protective of me.  I've obviously been kind of an idiot with men (see just about any entry from 2011/12).  It's just hard when the only relationship I've ever wanted to actually stay in for more than a year, the one I'd like to stay in for the rest of my life, is with one of the apparent multitude of men my parents hate.

At this point it feels as though every man I date is going to be someone my parents don't like.  And maybe that has to do with the kind of man they've always envisioned me being with.  I know they think I date losers and men who seek me out because of my strong personality.  I know that it's likely that they wouldn't like Yoshi even if they actually took the time to get to know him, but I wish that they would be willing to take that time.

It kills me every day to know that I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and there is nothing he can do to be good enough for my parents.  And I hate that his family is so wonderful to me while mine pretty much shuns him.  I know that it hurts him, too, because he always dreamed that he would be close to his in-laws.  I dreamed that, too.  I wish we could both see our dreams come true.

I guess this is the downside to being close to your family and having respect for their opinions.  That it rips you apart when they don't approve of your choices or the one you love.

Sometimes I wonder if they are testing me.  That if I really want to be with someone I'll stick it out no matter what they seem to think about him.  I don't think that's likely, but if it is what's happening it's kind of an equally awful situation.

I'm lucky that Oose loves him so much.  She always did.  I think she always knew.  I think when you're as close to someone as we are you see when their partner actually fits as a potential lifemate.

I wish my parents could better understand the part I played in what happened last fall.  I wish they could see how happy I am now.  

Maybe one day they will.  

All I can do is hope.