Friday, June 17, 2011

Anxiety 1 (billion), Bunny 0

I feel as if I'm caught in a maelstrom of anxiety.

I can't escape it.  No matter what I do; it's unshakable.

I'm stuck in the fucking anxiety Titanic.  And I think I just hit the iceberg.

I'm saying that based on the fact that I'm hiding on my bed typing and drinking a vodka lemonade with six months worth of accumulated shit (figurative) dumped out of my purse in front of me.  Instead of dealing with the cat shit (literal) that's currently waiting for me in the garage that I had intended to focus on.

Yesterday everything I ate tasted like crap.  Today everything I have eaten has also tasted weird.  The difference is that today I don't even feel like eating.

Crying, yes.

Concentrating in order to keep myself breathing at regular intervals, yes.

Eating?  Not so much.  No.

I've spent half of my life thus far going around trying to help fix other people.  But I don't know how to fix myself.

There are very few people who know me well enough to know how to fix me.  And none of them are anywhere near me (physically, spiritually, geographically, whatever).  I guess I'm lucky that only one of them is gone from my life completely.

I don't know if I can take two more months of this.

What if it never goes away?  What if the things I think may be causing it are really not what's at the heart of the situation?  What do I do then?

And why do I keep feeling so emotionally starved?

I am so tired of being crazy.

P.S. I have a story for you.  But it's a funny story for a funny day.  Obviously that day is not today.


  1. I know you have told me before that talking things out in therapy doesn't work as well for you as just writing, but I can not stress enough how much I think it can help. These exact times, when you are writing things like "What if it never goes away? What if the things I think may be causing it are really not what's at the heart of the situation? What do I do then?" are the moments when you need the coping skills you can learn in therapy.

    You know what you do if you find the things that are causing it are not what you thought? Eventually you work on those other things. But I don't know how to give you step by step instructions. But a professional might.

    I think that sometimes the key to recovery, or at least management, is trying something you don't want to. You resist therapy because it is hard and different and you're not good at it--but maybe those things are only true because you're scared.
    I know I'm scared. I'm having a good moment right now, forgive me for sounding preachy, I'm just concerned.
    It's scary to get help. It's scary to ask for it, to open yourself up to criticism by going to a professional (I think that is one of my biggest issues).
    But eventually the things you have been doing to cope stop working (were they ever working?) and you have got to start accepting some new kinds of help. New ways to survive that may just turn into new ways to live.

    Anyway, take all that any way you want. I tend to get on a rant about how to fix people and turn into a crazy self help coach or something. I mean no harm.
    See? No harm. :)

  2. For me, the problem with regular therapy is actually communicating the issues. If I could write, it might help. But I am incapable of talking about my issues. Believe me, I tried. Even when my depression was at it's worst I never had anything to talk about. Getting me to even answer questions about how I'm feeling is like pulling teeth. Writing about what's going on in my head helps me figure out what the other things are so I can work on them. Therapy is hard for me just because I've never had it help. Ever. And it's pretty much the most boring thing I think I've ever tried to do more than once. The therapists tend to end up with a "why are you here?" attitude. They'll still take my money and stuff, but it's not like it makes a difference.

    Today I just had a slight mental breakdown of sorts. The last time I lived "on my own" was with my ex. It feels like when I move in two months it will be like the door closing finally and forever on that period in my life and on him. Which is still kind of a hard pill to swallow because, despite the fact that we were pretty much completely incompatible, I loved him with everything I had to give and I don't feel as if I'll ever recover from those few years, if that makes sense. I'm also insanely lonely for some reason. I'm lucky I have good friends who check on me and/or drag me out with them.

    If I find that I still feel this crazy when I get to school, I will be forced to see someone. I think it would be more prudent to do it when things settle down because I have a lot going on right now to be freaked out about.

    Don't worry about it. Sometimes I do the same thing. :) VIRTUAL HUGS

  3. Just try not to take the attitude that everything will be magically all good when you move to Turlock, and become a fatalist when you discover it isn't as immediate as you hoped. Perhaps I'm overreacting about your possible overreactions, I just find it strange when people think changing their life will really change themselves; it doesn't usually work that way. It will be better and you will gain a great deal more confidence after living there a while, I'm sure, but I think the emotive part of your personality may still struggle, partly just because that's how you are with yourself. At least you're still breathing. :) You don't have to explain to anyone how you are feeling if you can't find a way to say it, because it isn't for the other person, it's supposed to be for you. If you can understand it in some abstract form, even if you can't express it, then that's enough. <3

  4. I'm neither hoping nor assuming that a life change will change me. That is not at all what I was trying to say. I freak out before big changes or events because I can't control every facet of the situation like I want to be able to. As a result of this, I visualize the worse-case scenario and try to prepare for that. I don't think everything will magically be fantastic. I just know from experience that I will be less freaked out once I get situated. But who said it was going to be in Turlock?