Year One

I'm starting to reach a point where I can actually feel the difference between the mentality of those around me and my own.  To put it more simply, I feel old.  I feel just... Old drowning in a sea of young.  I'm 26.  I'm mentally and emotionally ready for my future to be my present, but my situation (primarily scholastically) hasn't caught up yet.

I love my friends and family.  I love them with every part of me.  I adore my boyfriend.  And I'm pleased to say that I am finally starting to feel that he and I are on a place of equal footing in regards to our goals.  I just wish I wasn't constantly fighting an internal struggle between fulfilling my wants and needs to the best of my ability and trying to make my family happy.  

More than anything else, I'm tired of school.  I'm tired of being a student and of the expectations that come with being a student.  I'm tired of never feeling like my time is my own.  At least when I was working full-time I could come home and relax.  Some people don't realize the time involved in being a student.  I don't get to come home and relax, even when I try.  And being a musician is worse because you have to stay and practice before you get to come home and do homework.  Or you have extra rehearsals for things in which you would prefer to not have any involvement at all.

I guess at least I only have a few more weeks and then next semester and then I'm finished being a musician.  That thought saddens me but also makes me really relieved.  Maybe I'll feel better when I'm on winter break and I don't have to worry about school for a few weeks.

In other news, Yoshi and I recently celebrated our one-year anniversary as a couple.  I don't know what happened, but I recently fell in love with him all over again.  And I realized how much he does to try to make me happy.  Which is pretty much everything.  He wakes me up with tea in the morning.  He cleans my kitchen all the time.  He even cleaned my room for me last week.  He got a second job this week, as well, so that was really exciting.  And we made peanut butter chocolate chip cupcakes with peanut butter and chocolate chip frosting last night.  I love homemade frosting-- which is why I don't make it that often-- and the chocolate and peanut butter together were pretty much amazing.

Hard Reset.

Yoshi surprised me Tuesday with a trip to Santa Cruz.  We came back this afternoon; that's the longest I've been able to spend there in years.  It was completely amazing.

Granted, we had a couple awkward miscommunications and some moodiness, but all in all it was a great trip.

I did learn, though, that I can't wait for him to eat breakfast.  I can't go that long without eating and the more stressed out or anxious he gets, the less he eats.

I went for a long walk on the beach with Oose our first morning there.  I miss time like that with her.  No matter how much time we have, I always seem to feel like it's not enough.  I think if our respective husbands die before we do, we'll just move in together.

I didn't think to put on sunscreen because the fog was so heavy when we left, so of course it started to clear up when there was no way for me to avoid getting burned.  My forehead, cheeks, and chest got the brunt of it.  Oose's brother came to talk to me and had to remark on my "poor burned titties".  He and Yoshi seem to be becoming friends and that makes me happy.

I also caught Yoshi's cold.  Now I can't taste what I'm eating, which sucks.  I like food.  If it tasted like this all the time I'd probably never eat.

So now I have no less than three different beverages I'm currently consuming, as well as some chicken-flavored couscous; I figured chicken boullion stuff would probably be a good thing to consume right now.  And I'm also bored.  Which means I've reverted to my secret alonetime activity.  It's that thing I do when I'm alone and I miss my boyfriend...  Look up engagement rings online and try to find one I actually like.

Bleeding Out.

Upside of having an iud: no unwanted pregnancies.

Downside of having an iud: for two days of my week-long period I will bleed through everything.  EVERYTHING.

As in, there is so much blood I can feel it trickling out of myself.  And that is equal parts terrifying and disgusting.

Upside of iud as opposed to other forms of female contraceptives: no hormones that make me insane (because I intentionally got the one without hormones).  The hormones in birth control make me a crazy bitch.

Downside:  cramps can be bad enough that I am sometimes afraid my body will actually push the iud out.

I've never needed birth control for medical reasons; I've only ever taken the pill because I didn't want to get pregnant.  When I was 18 it didn't seem to affect me at all.  I was a little dizzy for about two days and that was as far as any side effects went.

The older I get, the more affected I seem to be by it.  The penultimate time I took it, I gained about 20 pounds and had terrible morning sickness for a little over a week.  The last time I took it I acted fucking batshit crazy every time my period was remotely near.  I either felt like I was watching myself be a nutjob from the outside and had no control over what I said or did, or I hated everything and cried.  Mostly the former.

That's primarily why I decided to get the iud.

While I miss having a lighter, shorter period, the hormones from the pill usually didn't change much.  The last one I took was the only one to ever make my period much shorter and it was amazing.  But I see why they don't recommend iuds for women with heavy flows.  I always had fairly light periods compared to the all-out flood I experience now.  I didn't know my uterus contained that much blood.

And seriously, Uterus, I know you're all mad that you're all fertile and not making babies right now, but why are you taking it out on me?  It's not my fault.  Talk to Yoshi about it.

Road Trip.

Ten days ago my darling Yoshi turned 22.  For his birthday, he decided to take me on a weekend trip up to Fort Bragg.  He kept most of his plans for the weekend a surprise, which was fun for me.  I still don't really know what roads we took. 

I know we went through Discovery Bay and then up some random highway he later said went through San Ramon...  This is where we saw a burnt-up shell of a car on the side of the freeway that caused traffic to practically stop for miles.  We stopped in Willits, where gas was $3.43 per gallon.  Hot damn.

I bought a Smart Water in Willits.  This caused Yoshi to decide to get one, as well.  Apparently he'd never purchased a Smart Water before.

Y- "Why are they called 'smart'?  Is it supposed to make you feel smart or something?"

B- "It's got electrolytes in it.  I like to buy Smart Waters if I think I'm going to be hungover.  It's like Gatorade, but without all the sugar."

Y- Proceeded to straight freak out because "that's so cool!"

He's so funny sometimes.

We got to watch the sun set while driving through a redwood forest.  Then walk across a bridge that goes over a beach between two cliff sides and look at the water.  I froze my ass off. 

We decided that we'll retire there when we're old and rich.  Our kids can deal with our grandkids getting carsick on the three hours of windy road in any direction you have to take to access that area.  We don't care.  We'll live in a moderately sized house on a cliff overlooking the ocean and every day we will walk on the beach and bring home sea glass and shapely driftwood.

Sunday we drove down Highway 1 to San Francisco.  We stopped a few times to take pictures on the side of the road.  I was overwhelmed with how beautiful everything was, to the point where I didn't feel like I could even appreciate it fully anymore. 

We stopped in Bodega Bay and bought saltwater taffy, even though neither of us particularly likes it. 

We stopped outside Stinson Beach to take a picture on the cliffside...  And somehow locked the keys in the car.  It was the first time all day any of the windows had been higher than halfway up.  So we had to wait by the side of the road, on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean, as the sun set, until a tow truck company rep from San Ramon showed up with a wire doo-dad to pull the keys off the seat. 

The thing is...  That situation could have been just pretty.  If it had happened earlier in the day.  But we were on a cliffside.  For over a half hour without sun.  It was fucking windy.  I was in flip flops, capris, and a light sweatshirt.  My phone died shortly after I spoke to the dumbest representative AAA had to offer- who, by the way, wasn't even in California.  AAA, if you're going to ask me what state I'm in, at least show me the courtesy of giving me a rep that's at least familiar with the geography of that state.  When I tell her I'm two miles South of Stinson Beach on Hwy 1 I don't want her to tell me that she can't find Hwy 1.  Or that it looks like I'm "between Daly City and Pacifica" when I've already told her I'm North of both of those cities.

Also, I had to pee desperately.  I had to pee before we stopped to take the picture.

The situation was less than ideal.

But we still got some great pictures out of it before we discovered the keys were on the driver's seat and the doors were locked.

I almost barfed on the way into San Francisco from there because my eyes had been dry from all the wind and I decided to put on my glasses, forgetting that I'm not completely used to the prescription of my glasses yet.  And the road was windy.  And I had to pee. 

We went to Ghirardelli Square, took a picture of the skyline behind Coit Tower, drove down Lombard Street for the first time (you know, the windiest road in the world, or whatever the slogan is), and ate at Mel's diner.

...Before accidentally driving to Berkely, then taking the long way back to 580.

We made it back into Modesto at 3:30 AM and crashed.

I think the best road trips with people are the ones when you discover that you're both kind of messes, but it works because you help clean each other up. 

Except the mess that's still in my car.  There's a Monster in there somewhere...  I don't drink caffeine or sodas...  I wonder who it could belong to...

Mulligans.

When I started this blog I wanted to tell funny stories from my life and have a place where I was allowed to be blatant and crass without consequence.  Well, minimal consequence.  Basically, I wanted a creative outlet and somewhere that I could write how I wanted and be entertaining without people criticizing me for grossly oversharing or turning everything into a double entendre.

Somehow this has instead turned into a place where I vent out all of my feelings, good or bad.  It's turned into where I word vomit everything about my relationships.  That's fine, I guess, because I need that outlet.  But that's not really what I wanted.  I don't feel entertaining anymore.

I don't like that feeling.

Complaining about school, fine.  Family, fine.  Roommates, fine.  I just don't want my love life to be the main focus of this blog anymore.  Let's face it, this isn't Bunny's Barrage of Lovey-Dovey Bullshit Blog About How Much She Loves Her Boyfriend.  This is supposed to be a blog about how I'm a terrible person and kind of a dick.

But, alas, I know I can't write about him because I spend at least half of my life with him now.  So, in the spirit of new beginnings, how about sort of a compromise.

I stop being so fucking boring.  But I don't stop mentioning Yoshi.  Because we're hilarious.  And you should know that.

For instance:





Ever since we had this conversation, I can't think about men's locker rooms without picturing awkward dude-on-dude massages and naked homoerotic towel whippings.

The funny thing is that when I he sent me these messages I laughed for minute before I realized that "Duck-Duck-Dick" can't be a song.  There is no song to "Duck-Duck-Goose".  So, what's that about?  Is it a game?  Did they make up a song?  If there is a song, can I hear it?  Why am I taking a joke situation this far?
Maybe if I ask him about it he'll make up a song for me.

...I must ask.

Vent. Ish.

My Spring Break started off a little weird because Yoshi and I were arguing (as much as we ever actually argue).  Basically, I was frustrated and menstrual and being stupid.  Things are okay now.  I just had to admit a few things to him and to myself.

1.  I recently passed my recital preview (yay!), but my professors spoke to me afterward about a laundry list of things I'm still not getting right.  They still feel I'm not putting enough of myself into my performances.  And they hate pretty much every piece of clothing I wear when I perform.  But I'm beautiful, my voice is beautiful, and I have really pretty hair.  It's just my stage presence that needs work.  Apparently.  And, coming out of my meeting with them, all I could think was that I must look as frumpy on the outside as I feel on the inside.  So I asked Yoshi to help me start trying to lose weight.  Good plan, except that I started dieting right in the middle of a terrible bout of PMS and midterms.  Things have gone surprisingly well so far, but I've been really frustrated and have been consumed by a pretty negative body image for a few months now. 

2.  My nephew was recently born.  He is completely adorable and I just want to squish him.  The problem, however, is that this has exacerbated one of my other frustrations.  Prior to his birth, I could deal with the love of my life and I both being in school and super poor.  But now I my "I want one!" feelings have multiplied tenfold.  I know Yoshi has been feeling stressed and pressured because he just moved into a new place and is trying to find a second job, so I just didn't really feel like talking to him about it would do any good.  Thankfully, it did.  I'm still trying to will a multitude of successes on us rapidly, but I'm less irritated about it.

3.  We both knew I was going to be leaving for ten days and, while I decided to stress about it and try to spend time with him despite my midterms, I didn't feel that he was trying to spend time with me to the same degree.  I want him to spend time with his friends.  I just want to be more important before I leave because he can spend all the time he wants to with them while I'm gone.  

Things are fine now, mostly due to the fact that Yoshi makes me talk about things.  And when he doesn't push it I end up talking to him anyway because I can't help it.  I can't lie to him.  I can't even keep secrets from him.  Sometimes I wonder if it's the same for him.  I think it is to a degree; he can't lie to me.  He just sometimes forgets to tell me things that I think are important for me to know.

Otherwise Spring Break has been nice.  I've been missing my family a lot lately and I've enjoyed being able to spend time with them. 

I'm reaching a point where I'm really tired of school and not ever having money and roommates and bullshit. 

I'm tired of pretending every day that I still want to be a musician; that I still plan to go to grad school and try to make a career out of singing.  I don't want to go through all of that rejection.  I'm tired of the rejection. 

I miss working in an office consistently and having an income, period, let alone a steady one.  I miss buying new shoes.  I miss being thin and having clothes fit well when I try them on. 

I miss where my life was at 22.  Then again, I don't miss Sterling and I would never want to give Yoshi up.  So maybe things are better the way they are now; with me being poor as hell and living four hours from the people I would give anything to see at least once a week. 

I haven't been writing enough lately.  No wonder I feel all pent-up and irritated. 

Stupid school schedule.

Gush-fest.

It's funny how sometimes you can meet someone completely by chance and from the moment you are introduced you know your life will never be the same. 

Yoshi was like that for me.  It's why I tried so hard to avoid him after I first met him.  It's why I pushed him away so hard a year ago.  It's why I fell in love with him so hard and so fast.

He's the first person I've ever been with who I've felt loves me as completely as I love him.  He makes me a better person.  I have a really hard time not telling him things.  And every time we have a disagreement it breaks my heart.  Luckily that doesn't happen very often. 

I sang in two concerts this weekend and he came to the one on Sunday, which was at a smaller venue.  I was able to look into the audience and see him watching me.  It's the first time I've been in the middle of a performance, looked at my boyfriend in the audience, and had my heart skip a beat because just seeing him there, supporting me, was like a jolt. 

Maybe I'm just super sappy and emotional lately.  But I think that's just because I'm happy. 

Also, my nephew was born last week.  I can't wait to meet him!  I won't be able to visit until Easter, but when I do I am stealing that baby.  He's pretty much the cutest thing ever. 

For the first time, I can really truly see myself having kids.  Before I wanted the idea of kids and it was something that I talked about with my ex, but I think I was always faking a little for him because he wanted more children so badly.  Now I'm genuinely excited.  Which makes my parents really happy, I'm sure.  Well, my mom.  My dad wants more grandkids, but I think he wants them without me actually being married to some guy who will steal me away from him.  Which isn't at all what will happen, though I'm sure that's what it feels like.  He seems fairly cool with Yoshi.  Pretty much everyone is.  Even Churro, who thought he was mildly annoying at first, is okay with him now because he can see how much he loves me.

I'm a lucky girl, to have all these people who care about me.


In other news, my neighbors got a puppy.  They leave their windows open.  It has separation anxiety.  It kind of sounds like a cross between a goat and a screaming child.  It makes me crazy and scares the crap out of me.  So, that's awesome.

Debilitating Sickness.

I still am not positive why I was feeling the way I was when I wrote that last blog.  I think I just won't be satisfied until I'm done being a music major and done with school, period.  Also, I felt like I'd barely seen Yoshi since before I went home for Christmas break.

Things have been a little better.

One of my very dear friends gave her junior recital almost two weeks ago and Yoshi and I had a long talk about how we need to spend more quality time together.  That night/early the next morning one of my roommates came down with the stomach flu.  The other roommate came down with it the following afternoon.

That night, while I was standing in my backyard crying, I decided to go stay at a friend's.  Yoshi packed me a bag while I told him what to put in it from the car and we went over at about midnight.  My friend, Canada, got sick around 3:30 that morning and I followed six hours later.

At that point I was afraid to leave her house.  Since we made pretty compatible sick buddies (both pretty germophobic and fastidious), it worked out in a way.

Yoshi got sick the next day, so we ended up spending three nights on her couch before finally coming home.  When we finally did come home, we were all a little sad.  I miss that time with her.

It's hard to forge a bond stronger than that virus.  It was one of the worst things ever.  Now the three of us have a bond that cannot be broken.  While having the flu was pretty much the worst thing ever, I have to say that it strengthened a good friendship and really made an impact for the better on my relationship.  Also, spending Valentine's day watching Kill Bill with those two was pretty much the best thing.

Saturday Yoshi and I journeyed to Santa Cruz to see Oose perform burlesque for the first time.  This also afforded me the opportunity to meet the guy she's been seeing and introduce Yoshi to her family, an important milestone.  The last person I was dating that I took to meet them was Sterling and, to put it simply, it didn't go well.  Oose's mom took me aside before we left and told me that I looked terribly unhappy and that Sterling wasn't good for me.  That trip was so epically bad that I was nervous on the way over this time.

I had no reason to be.

Yoshi is comfortable with pretty much everyone.  He talked with her dad about painting, chilled with her brother talking about marine bio shit, and couldn't leave their dog alone.  Every time her mom saw him she would remark at how cute he was.  She told me she was glad to see me so happy.

I almost didn't realize how happy I was.  Then she pointed it out and I remembered so many details of that trip with Sterling that I don't like to think about.  I'm lucky.  Lucky I got out.  Lucky I finally said goodbye.  Lucky I had the courage (and the support from Oose) to help me open my heart up to the man of my dreams.

I've realized that no matter how much I think talking to him won't help, it will fix everything.  He would do anything for me.  But he won't let me go.  And he won't hurt me.  He is my puzzle piece.

I was happy to see Oose with someone who makes her laugh the way Yoshi does me.  I really hope they are able to work out their kinks and just be happy with each other.  I want to see her finally be happy with someone.  She deserves it.  We both do.  

Also, I caught a cold over the weekend. So I've basically just been sick for two weeks.  Sigh.  Hopefully it improves soon.

Where to Go From Here.

I can't pinpoint the source of my current state of generalized anxiety and sort of down-ness.

It's either my off-kilter schedule so far this semester, my depression over being a music major, or Yoshi and my need for him to grow up.  It's the one thing about our relationship that I really ever doubt.  And the amount of contact I've had with him for the last six weeks are sort of discouraging.

I am to the point where I almost need to tell him I have to break it off until he has lived on his own for a while and we can see if it will work then.  But every time I think I'm going to have to talk to him about it, we have a long talk and resolve all of the other issues I'm having and it doesn't seem that bad anymore.

It just keeps coming back.  I don't know how long I can take this.  I love him very much, obviously.  I think that's why it breaks my heart so much.

He's still young.  I know he cares about me, but there are experiences he needs to have that I don't want to take away from him.  I don't want to hold him back or control or change him.  But I need more than what he's really able to offer me and that's not a fair situation for either of us.


I miss being the person I was when I was just working and taking a night class at a time.  I hate being a full-time student.  I hate being this person who complains and isn't funny or interesting on my blog.  I just start typing and all these negative things flood out because I'm really not dealing with them at all.

I really think it's best at this point for me to do what I haven't been doing enough for...  Forever, I guess.  Just ignore everything except school and work.  When I have time to spare I'll spend it with friends.  But there's no reason for me to waste as much time and energy as I have in the last few months on something or someone that's not going to be able to do the same back.

And it's really fine that he's busy.  I want him to be successful in all of his endeavors.  But I can't be something that falls by the wayside because I love him and obviously that's going to keep me going until he is able to spend time with me again.  Whenever that may be.

In all honesty, if I could turn the calendar back two or three years, I would.  I would be perfectly content to sit in my office wearing my favorite shoes and my favorite jeans, drinking tea with my morning toast and doing the one thing I've ever felt competent doing.  Instead I'm stuck in school, poor as fuck, with a major that I dislike and a major I won't get to start until the fall.  And somehow I've traded Sterling for someone who loves me at least as much but hardly devotes any of his time to our relationship, instead of devoting way too much of his time to our relationship.

I don't know what to do.