Saturday, March 31, 2012


By the way, I went back to the ophthalmologist this morning.  My eye is doing much better. 

However, I'm pretty sure I was thinking of the name of a dentist in Redding.  My doctor's name here is Daniel.  Which is weird.  Because I feel like someone in his life will have called him Danny at some point.  And the thought of this guy being called Danny freaks me out.

Also today, I went to see Mirror, Mirror with Toto.  It was cute.  Some of the acting was just okay and there was a weird scene in the end that didn't belong in the movie at all.  Other than that, cute. 

And prior to leaving for the movie I discovered my cat had somehow managed to shit in the middle of my laundry pile.  I don't know what his problem is.  But he had better check himself before he wrecks himself.

Friday, March 30, 2012


So, I was just trucking along for a while, minding my own business.  Then, all of the sudden, the depression truck came out of nowhere and broadsided me.


It could be the weather.  It's warm.  It's sunny.  I've hardly seen any rain in ten months.  That in and of itself is enough to make me not want to face any part of the day.  (It's like I have reverse seasonal mood disorder.)

It could be the stressful and moderately crappy year I've been having.

It could be that my personal life is just not getting any better.  And I've reached a point where I cannot deal with anymore tragedy or heartbreak.  I just can't.  The last two years have been more than enough.

It could be that, while I'm doing okay scholastically this semester, I am constantly fighting with myself over what I really want and whether or not I'm really capable of the things I fear I actually do want.

I have two days of classes left before I can leave for Redding.  Spring Break doesn't start till April 9 for me, but I'm leaving early.

I can't wait to go home.

I was okay for a while.  But I'm finally cracking. 

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Maybe I Should Put Pants on Soon.

It's 4:30 on Sunday.  I have yet to shower.  Or put on pants.  I made some pretty bomb biscuits, though, so I think that cancels out all of the things I haven't done.

I lucked out with no classes Friday because of a festival at school that I wasn't involved in.  This means that Friday I didn't even get up until after five.  I slept till 11, then took a three-hour nap at around 1:30.

To sum up, I got a lot of sleeping done this weekend.  Which is good because I have not been doing enough sleeping for at least the last month.  Every time I think I'll have a chance to catch up, some other lame bullshit blows up and I have to spend six hours on homework.

Spring break seriously can't come soon enough.  And I am ecstatic that I get to go home to my parents' early.  Well, I have to for work.  But I really want to do that.

Monday I finally went to Student Health for the first time.  I had hoped that the first time I wandered in there would be for a cool reason like 'I need cheap birth control' (this would be awesome because it would mean I was getting sex).  Alas, no.

I had to make an appointment because the issues I've been having with my right eye for a while now sort of blew up over the weekend and I was scared enough to want to consult a doctor.

Student Health at my university is actually pretty great.  I was expecting some backwoods witch doctor attempting to cure my eye irritation by burning sage and henna, then prescribing drops of cannabis oil to put in it.

Not the case.

They checked me out and made an appointment with an ophthalmologist in town that they recommended.  The next day I was able to see the specialist, where I had the privilege of sitting in the waiting room for an hour while a Mexican toddler ran around in front of me and randomly stopped to stare at the beadwork on my moccasins.  (That's right.  I wear moccasins.  They are comfy.  And they go with a lot.  Plus they go with my dreamcatcher necklace.)  Apparently the colors are pretty.

By they time they called me back I had to pee so bad I almost couldn't sit down again after I'd stood up.  Luckily, going to the bathroom cut down on the time I spent waiting for the doctor to actually come look at my eye.

Sidenote-- Why do Japanese doctors always have names like Alfred Yen?  Is Batman really popular in Asian countries or something?

He looked into my eyeball for about two seconds before he told me what was wrong, then had some dude who had been wandering around in the hallway double-fisting eyedrops come dilate me.  I'm not sure why.

After my eyes finally dilated I realized that the shitty one looked practically normal and the healthy one looked scary.  Meaning I generally looked like an alien.

A sexy beast of an alien, right?

Doctor Alf said it was Iritis, prescribed some prednisone eyedrops for me to use once an hour, gave me blinders, and sent me on my way.

Also, I feel compelled to note that when I asked they told me I would be fine to drive after I was dilated as long as it was just around town.  Because apparently that makes a difference.  They probably should not have done that.

The eyedrops have helped a ton, so hopefully I'll be able to wear my contacts again soon.  Even though Alf doesn't recommend I wear contacts ever.  He also said that the Iritis was in no way related to my contact use.  And I have some awesome sunglasses I can't wear with glasses.  So I'm just going to be extra careful.

The drawbacks of the eyedrops are that they eventually leak through my sinuses and down the back of my throat.  Where I can taste them.  They have that lovely medicinal flavor of things that should not go in your mouth.

Also, they have been upsetting my stomach since I started using them.  That hasn't been fun for me at school.

Then again, I can see.  So I'm really not complaining.

I go back to Alf on Friday.  Hopefully my eye is cleared up of all redness and inflammation then.  And a few days after that I will be on my way to Redding for a much needed break from school.

Oh, by the way, here is a picture of me looking super hot (read: ridiculous) in an eyepatch.


Friday, March 16, 2012

Inner Turmoil.

I've been thinking a lot lately.  Always a dangerous pastime.  (Insert lines from Beauty and the Beast here.)

I'm really wondering why I'm a music major. 

I absolutely love being involved in this much music and talking about it all the time.  I enjoy being consumed by it. 

But lately I've been feeling as though I'm drowning in a sea of it.

For one thing, it's really, really hard to be a music major.  I have to attend and perform in over 15 concerts per semester.  As a singer, I have to memorize a lot of words in languages I don't actually speak.  But I also have to pronounce them correctly.

All of that would be fine if I had better work ethic. 

I feel as if I'm waiting for something to inspire me to be better about things, but nothing happens.  And I get discouraged because I want to be the best and it feels as though I can never make it into the top five.  For anything. 

What's the point in trying if I can't at least be one of the best?

That mentality is incredibly frustrating, but I don't know how I can shake it. 

I feel like no matter how hard I work on something I will still fuck it up.  It will never be perfect.  And I don't want to try and fail because I ultimately feel as though that is worse than not trying at all.

I don't know what to do.  I love music and I'm definitely not tired of it.  I'm just tired of failing at it.

Sunday, March 4, 2012


I am currently in the throes of the worst allergies I've ever had. 

Thank you, Modesto, you sadistic son-of-a-bitch. 

My right eye is red and irritated.  My entire face itches.  I'm not wearing any makeup.  My nose is running (part of that is the remainder of last weeks' cold, though). 

I took an allergy pill when I got up, so I hate to think of the tortures I'd be experiencing if I hadn't thought to do that. 

I am not pleased. 

Thoughts at Three on a Sunday Morning.

Toto's birthday was Thursday, so he had a celebration at our house tonight.  It was nice; a few of our friends stopped by.  We had some drinks and some food and general merriment. 

It's been another kind of odd week.  Guac decided that he really misses me.  And even made an effort to show up at Toto's party tonight.  He's also been texting me consistently again.  It's weird because I think I just don't know what to expect from him, nor do I understand what he really wants from me.  I think it's just friendship, but then he says something that throws me for a loop.

I finally got my butt in gear scholastically.  I've been reading It, but I took some time off reading this week to get translations written into my music and do some other things.  I have less than 400 pages left.  Still an excellent feeling.  I expected to be finished with it by now, so that's disappointing.  But I'll be done soon enough.

I had to cancel my wax appointment for tomorrow.  Maybe I'll try to schedule another one soon.  It's definitely waxing time.