Friday, December 28, 2012

Christmas Miracles Do Happen.

This year was definitely one of my favorite Christmases so far.  My loving boyfriend, Yoshi, surprised me by conspiring with my family and coming up from Modesto to be with us.  He showed up about 9:30 PM on Christmas Eve and I was so shocked I couldn't even move when he came in the door.

I love that he loves doing things like that; things that surprise me and catch me completely off-guard.

My dad made breakfast-in-bed for Yoshi, my mom, and me on Christmas morning.  Then we got up and put together the foil Angry Birds Puzzle that my family gave him for Christmas.  It was only like 100 pieces, but foil puzzles are freaking hard!  We had to change the lights in the room so that they were dim enough for me to be able to differentiate colors in the puzzle.  Not that I was the only one working on the puzzle.  Yoshi did like five pieces.

My parents gave me some really comfy pajama bottoms for Christmas, so I wore them all day.  It was wonderful.

Coyote came over for dinner, which was great because I never get to see her anymore.  And we did another puzzle (this time a Thomas Kinkade painting of a lighthouse; Thomas Kinkade, painter of yellow) while Yoshi and my brother played a racing game and tried to fix the heater in my car.  Yoshi and my dad actually got it working (I have to have a part replaced for it to completely work right) the next day while I was at the office.

So, I got to see one of my oldest best friends, one of my most favorite people in the world came to see me, and I got to be with my family.  Who could ask for more than that?

Oh, and also...


My Christmas present from Yoshi.  Yes, it's from Disneyland.  There's a long story and a lot of meaning behind it.  But this is my promise ring from one of the two people who most complete me in this world-- and I've been wearing a ring from Oose for a while now.

Sometimes I am struck by how completely lucky I am.

I thought I had experienced love before, and it really was love, but it was nothing compared to this.  I think when you find the person you are really meant to be with everything just clicks and you just know.  That's how it's been with Yoshi.  Even when we first met it was as though being around him made everything else in the world make sense and I was just at-ease with it.

We both had to get over fear of intimacy that was left over from past relationships, as well as other random fears that probably stemmed from those unhealthy relationships.  When I let go of everything else and allowed him into my heart, it was as though my heart became so full it was bursting at the seams.  I think that's how it was for both of us.

He carries me when I can't carry myself and I do the same for him.  Mostly, though, we just walk beside each other as equals.  That's the way it should be.

Baby, It's Cold Outside.

This morning I was thinking about the differences between my parents' house and mine.  I love not living with them but being able to come visit them and stay with them.  And I miss them a lot.  I wish I was closer.

Anyway, differences.  None are necessarily bad or good; these are mostly just observations.

For instance, my parents have a woodstove and a furnace.  We just have a furnace.  Our thermostat is set at 65 (which I'm pretty sure drives Toad crazy).  My dad gets cold, so my parents' house is more like 70 degrees or higher (which is funny because I freeze at their house in the summer; it's like he has to feel the opposite of the weather outside while indoors).  Last night I had to turn the heater off and sleep without my comforter to be comfortable.  Granted, I was in flannel pajamas, but it's been really cold outside here and I thought I could get away with wearing them.  Apparently not.

My house has a fair amount of cat hair because I have two cats and Hunter hasn't been shaved since August, so he's all fluffy and pretty.  My parents' house only has a little cat hair now because they have one indoor/outdoor cat and one cat that is outdoor only.  However, since my dog became their dog when I left for school, there is Lab hair everywhere.  Even when he's not shedding that badly.  I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been wearing black socks the day I got here.  And if it wasn't all up in my yarn all the time.  I constantly have to pick it out of my projects.  I guess I could just make a bunch of doggie sweaters.  Then I wouldn't have to pick it out.  But he's so cute I can't really say this is a negative thing.

My house has insane water pressure and tons of hot water because we had our hot water heater replaced last year.  My parents' house has medium water pressure and medium hot water.  They also have hard water, so after being home for one day my hands were insanely winter-dry.

My parents have a gigantic tv with satellite and a blue-ray player.  At my house I have a laptop.  My internet is probably twice as fast, so it's easier to watch movies on my laptop than it is here anyway, but having the giant tv is so convenient when I'm doing crafty things.  I feel like I have to pay more attention or I lose more details on my laptop.

I feel as though I have difficulty finding things to eat at my parents' house because they don't really keep a lot of food around anymore.  Or maybe it's just not food that I like or is easy to make.  I stock foods I use and they stock foods they use.  Therefore I end up eating a lot of crap when I come home to visit for more than a day.  Delicious, salty, sugary crap.

I think after I finish with my undergraduate degrees I would like to try to find a job somewhere that I can be a two-ish hour drive from them.  I miss them and and a four-plus hour drive isn't always possible, but a two hour drive I could manage more easily.  I also want them to be able to see their grandkids often.  We'll see how that works out.

Overall, I'm really happy to be home for winter break.  I think I'm having the opposite reaction of most people when they go away to school.  I was very un-homesick at first and the longer I'm away the harder it is on me.

Monday, December 17, 2012

That's All Over.

This semester was pretty not great for me.

I am currently (once again) poor as fuck and trying to figure out how I can manage to get a job next semester.  I'm still having issues with my back from being rear-ended in October and going to the chiropractor three times a week for the last nearly two months really threw off my schedule.

Most importantly, I am trying to decide whether or not I want to continue being a musician.  I used to love it so much.  Now it's just tedious.  It's not really boring, but it doesn't hold my interest because it's not enjoyable anymore.  It's just difficult.

Obviously I still love singing because that is something I've always enjoyed.  But that's part of my problem.  I want it to be fun and something I enjoy and it's not.  It's just work and a hell of a lot of me feeling inadequate.  All semester there has been no redemption.  The most I enjoyed myself was goofing off or at unofficial gigs.

I've decided to complete my business major instead of keeping it a minor and I won't be pursuing my Master's degree in music.  There's no point in continuing that far in a field of study that just makes me feel like shit.

I would actually like to nix my music degree altogether despite the fact that I would lose my scholarship, but I am more than halfway finished with it.  Unless I can find an alternative route (like getting a BA instead of a BM) I feel I have to stick with it.  The worst part about that is having to do my recitals because at this point I really, really don't want to do them and it's holding me back from performing well.

All this is exceptionally frustrating and stressful.  I'm surprised at how well I held up this semester, actually.

Now, on to other things...

In ways not related to school or money I've been really happy this semester.

I have wonderful friends, my family is awesome (I realized how difficult it would be to be far away from them for a long time; moving for school was hard enough), and I have the BEST boyfriend.  I'm not joking.

I met this amazing man who actually understands me and who I love so completely it almost hurts.  Things were rough at first because we were both afraid and standoffish.  But after we allowed things to progress naturally we realized how perfect we are for each other.

He is kind and tender with me, but also kind of a cocky asshole.  He isn't always predictable but he is comfortable in his own skin and he is comfortable with who I am.  He's constantly trying to show me off.  Constantly creating insanely romantic moments and ruining them (which I just love).  Constantly finding ways to make me feel like his queen.  And constantly surprising me.

I've never had someone make me cry from sheer happiness or excitement before.  But he does.

Also, when I told him that I looked in his Facebook on his computer he told me that he appreciated me telling him, but I didn't need to worry about it because he has nothing to hide from me and he never will.  I can look through his stuff all I want and it will never matter.

I'm glad that I talked to Sterling last semester and this summer because those conversations ultimately helped me see how not right for me he was.  I have not once regretted my decision to stop talking to him and I really think I did it when I was meant to.  I wish him happiness and success.  But I also wish not to be a part of it.

Finding the person who is right for you really helps clarify how wrong every single other person on the planet is for you.