Monday, May 28, 2012

Severing Ties.

I had a hard enough time accepting Bambi back into my life when I thought I would never hear from him again.

Now I have to deal with his girlfriend thinking it's okay for her to contact me in anger, telling me to leave him alone.

I'm sick of this drama that I didn't invite into my life.  I'm sick of him calling me, telling me he still loves me and  misses me.  I'm sick of her stalking me and reading all his emails.  I don't want any of it.

I thought this was over after he got mad at me and stopped talking for a little while.  I thought it was over after I told him that if I didn't hear from him by my birthday I never wanted to hear from him again.

I thought I had left him behind when I left Redding, because that's what he wanted.  I was finally getting over him.

I'm sick of this bullshit.

I'm done with this drama.  I have too much else to worry about than two people who have no reason or right to be involved in my life.  So I won't worry about them.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Just Thinking

You know what's really stupid?

When your ex's "new" girlfriend is so threatened by you that she stalks your online 'social life'.  Then bitches about the things that she sees to your ex so much that he calls you and asks you to hide everything you can.  Because her obsession and irritation (over nothing) is pissing him off.

You'd think that her commenting on my blog and 'accidentally' "friend requesting" me would make me want to lock everything up just so she couldn't bother me.  But I don't really care.  I don't feel threatened by her.  

If I was I would try to look at her shit the way she does mine.  I would hack into his Facebook and change things to piss her off.  Or I would privatize everything I have online.  

But I just don't care.  

It's too bad, really.  

She has to live in the knowledge that she loves him and wants to be with him while he will always be in love with me.  She has to live with the fact that, no matter how hard she tries, she will never live up to me in his eyes.  In all reality, she will just never live up to me.  

Maybe they deserve each other.  Both (mentally) children who feed of each other's hatred and anger.  It's just sad that, despite that fact, their relationship will never have half the passion ours did because he will never be capable of caring about anyone else the way he cared about me.  And still cares about me.

And the harder she tries to keep him away from me, the less it will work.


In other news, I got mostly A's this semester.  I worked pretty hard for them.  School is out for summer.  I am going back to Redding soon.  Then, assuming I can get the money to do so, I'm going to Alaska for two weeks in July for my summer program.  I'm really excited, even though planes make me nervous.  I'm also almost done reading It, which I had to take a three-month hiatus from in order to focus on school.  Then I have ten or so more books to read this summer, as well as a couple jobs to do and probably another to acquire.  

For now, I'm just focusing on decompression, reading, cleaning, and the currently amazing Central California weather.

You know, if the breeze didn't smell like bovine feces.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Blerg.


You know how some people pretty much make careers of being professional college students?

Yeah.  I am not one of those people.

I miss working so much.

And this is not one of those instances where college kids decide they don't want to be in school anymore, so they set out into the real world to get a job and while working realize they miss school, so they go back.  And then once they're in school they miss working.  Continue this vicious cycle to degree-town.

I'm not one of those.  I didn't miss school when I was working.  I liked working.  Then I went back to school because I missed performing and it was sort of a means to an end.  I also knew I needed a degree to do anything worthwhile with my future.  But I never, ever missed school.

Now that I'm in school I hate it even more.  I fantasize about my old office in Redding.  I had an amazing spring break because I worked for most of it.  That's when I feel happy and useful.

The problem is that I feel happy when I have a good performance, too.  Though, it has been a while since that has happened.

This semester was awful.  This semester raped, pillaged, and molested its way through my entire being.  I have 15 hours left until I'm done for three months and I couldn't be happier.  If I could quit now, I would.  That's how much I don't like school right now.

Not that I've ever liked it.

At this point I'm going to turn in my final projects tomorrow, come home, and sleep for three days.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Madness.

Yesterday was my birthday.

I decided that even though it was in the middle of finals I couldn't just not do something like I usually do.  That would be too depressing.  So I invited a few people over last night to hang out, figuring we'd play charades or just sit around and talk.

That's kind of what happened.

I went to the store and when I got back I found Oose walking into my complex from the street.  I wasn't supposed to see her until Thursday.  From that point on I didn't care how many people showed up or what happened, I was just happy to see my sister again.

Thanks to Oose and my amazing roommate, Toto, there was a pretty good amount of liquor.  Actually, surveying the damage today, there's liquor with origins completely unknown.

By the time other people arrived, Oose and I had both already had a couple of drinks.

At some point more than half (actually, probably close to all of) the music fraternity from my university showed up.  From there things are a little blurry.  I remember pretty much everything, but I only know what was going on in the room I currently occupied.  I guess that sort of the way with parties.  Even parties that aren't supposed to be parties.

All the signs that show people had a good time at your house were present when I got up this morning:

I found at least two articles of clothing that don't belong to anyone still in the house.
Cups and plates occupied pretty much every surface possible.  Even my piano.
My bedroom floor is covered with playing cards.
One empty beer bottle sat inexplicably in the middle of my back patio next to an almost empty (but open) bag of chips.
I wasn't sure who was going to be on my couch when I woke.

I know these things (based on evidence and some memories):

At some point someone left to get McDonalds french fries.
I managed to blow out all the candles on my cake (Boston cream pie) in one breath (because being a singer rocks).
I had an allergic reaction to something in the grass in my backyard and ended up with small cuts all over my knees that became itchy and swollen, but hurt like hell if I actually scratch them.
I wore a tutu and sometime around 11:30 I decided to put on my pink wig and wear that for a while.
Oose dressed to match me because we do that.
And every single cup in our cupboard was used.  Even the mugs.



Above everything else I know this:  I have the best friends in the world.


Thursday, May 17, 2012

Keep Pushing.

So, firstly, I decided I wanted another place to write short stories and whatnot.  Any stories I write in the future will be posted here.

Secondly, this week blows.  This semester has been bad enough.  But this week is not going as fabulously as I'd like it to. Unfortunately, it's not going to get better until after next Wednesday.  Which means I may be drunk next Wednesday night.

Unfortunately, my birthday is this weekend.  I don't think I'm even going to get to celebrate it.  That upsets me because 25 is kind of a big deal to me.  On the other hand, I'm pretty much going to shut down for it, so maybe it's better I don't get to celebrate until after I'm done with all the work for this semester anyway.

Tomorrow I have my voice juries.  Then I have a huge final, as well as a paper due, Friday.  Monday I have a piano final (that I'm not really ready for) and another paper due.  After that I have another huge final due Wednesday and the binder of things I'm supposed to have taken notes on all semester.

I have all these things to take care of and less than a week to do it all in.  That's bad enough.  But on top of it I have the fact that I have negative money right now looming over my head.

I'm doing everything I can not to shut down.

At this point I'm just barely succeeding.

My mom keeps telling me I have to focus on the things I have to finish for school because I need to get good grades and I need to do everything I can to keep my scholarship.

I'm just so scared.  And I no longer have Bambi to help me through anything.  Not that he was always a ton of help when I really needed him.  But he did know how to calm me down.  Somehow.

Now I have to calm myself down.  That's rough.  I've known for a while that I can be a really strong woman.  I just didn't know how strong I would have to be for myself.  And by the way, it really sucks.  I don't want to have to be the strong, independent, lone woman.  It gets old.  Like, daily.  I just have to keep it up because I don't have any other options.

Maybe that's how strength in a person works.  You keep being strong because that's what you have to do to survive.  I always thought I would shut down when it got this bad.  But I'm realizing that I have just enough push to make it to the end, and then I can collapse because I allow myself to.

It's just like jogging.  You know, if I actually jogged.  Well, more than twice every year or so.

Let's face it.  Nachos are better than jogging, anyway.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Mother's Day.

I miss my mom.  So.  Much.

I called and talk to her for the better part of 20 minutes this evening.  But it's still not the same.

I'll be 25 in six days and I still need my mom to let my lay my head in her lap and cry while she plays with my hair.

She is quite possibly my best friend in the world.  She and Oose are the only ones who even remotely understand what I've gone through and what I'm still feeling.

On top of all the other bullshit, I'm completely overwhelmed with school.  I have ten days left and I'm honestly not sure how I'm going to manage it.  I know I'll come out of next week feeling completely relieved and fine, but for now I just don't know how to handle this stress.  And I have no choice but to keep moving forward.  Unfortunately, giving up is not an option and I can't just ask someone else to handle school for me.  So, for now, I kind of want to die in a freak accident so I don't have to face this week.

Then there's the issue of money for the summer.  I just...  Don't know what I'm going to do.

It's funny.  The first time in years I have a real direction and purpose and am doing what I really want to do, I feel completely lost.  Lost and alone.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Running on Empty.

One more week.

I can do this.

Breathe.  Just breathe.

Mozart's Requiem is now over.  I have so much homework to complete.  So many tests to study for.  My voice jury to have all music perfect for.  A giant piano test.  Finals looming days away.  So many things I'm just not yet quite prepared for.

And my heart is still a little sad.

I will hopefully be making a little money in June, but I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills before then.  I mentioned it to my dad last night and he freaked out, so that didn't help.  I didn't even ask him for help with anything.  Just told him I was worried about it when he asked what I was doing.

I'm sure he thinks I'm just spending all my money on drugs and liquor, since that's what college is all about.  I think I've had a Mai Tai and a beer since Spring Break.  I don't have time to party with my friends.  I'm too busy being a student.  His misunderstanding of what that entails is extremely frustrating to me.

Sigh.

Time for sleep.  I have a full day of studying ahead of me tomorrow.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

On Heartbreak.

Oose:  "We love men whose lives would have been better with us in them.  And even though we know it would have dragged us down it's still heartbreaking."

Bunny:  "God, that's so painfully accurate."

Oose:  "It's counter-intuitive for us not to want to make the lives of people we love better."

Bunny:  "That's true.  We're both really good at loving people.  It's a blessing and a curse."

Oose:  "Right now it's a curse.  Otherwise it's a blessing."

Oose:  "I just set my wifi as "Russian spy surveillance.  I'm waiting for the old folks to freak out."

Bunny:  *Chokes while laughing*


If there is a higher power, it gave us each other so that no matter what happened we would never be alone when the men in our lives disappointed us.  I am thankful I have you every single day.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Update.

I've hit a wall.

I'm a rough, unreal, manic mess.

I think I need to cry and I can't even force myself into it for more than a minute.  I can't tell if this is preferable to the night a couple of months ago when I couldn't stop crying.  Probably not.  I might feel better if I could cry myself to sleep.  But I can't.

I have so much to do and so little time to do it: three papers, 6 songs memorized, two performances and five rehearsals of Mozart's Requiem, a test, a powerpoint presentation/research project, learn all the music for my piano class, and re-work some of the material in the piece I wrote.

I'm tired.  I'm cranky.  I'm lonely.  And I don't like school any more than I did a decade ago; I just have to pay for it now.

Plus I have to worry about how I'm going to pay my bills and pay the ~$2000 for my summer program still.

Sigh.  I don't know if I can handle this.  But not handling it isn't an option.


Finally, I haven't written about Bambi in a while.  I'm trying not to because I realize reading about it over and over again gets tedious.  But that is definitely a contributing factor to my current state of mental un-health.  I also don't really have time to write for pleasure for at least two more weeks.  Maybe I'll be able to deal with everything then.

To sum up that situation I will say this: I wrote a letter to him telling him how I really felt about pretty much everything.  He reacted very negatively.  We are now no longer talking.

My heart hurts because I am lonely and because I had hoped that one day I would stop losing him.  I had hoped that one day he would choose me over something.  But that day is never going to come and he will inevitably make me last priority.

My ego hurts because there was a part of me that thought he would always love me.  And that was a lie.  Pretty much everything about him was a lie.

Pain always seems to come for me when I can hardly handle the rest of my life, let alone bullshit emotions from some stupid situation involving a stupid guy.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Litany.


There are times when I read this poem that my heart hearts and I want to cry.  But then I don't.

I don't cry enough anymore.



litany


Tom, will you let me love you in your restaurant?
i will let you make me a sandwich of your
invention and i will eat it and i will call
it a Carolyn sandwich.  then you will kiss my lips
and taste the mayonnaise and
that is how you shall love me in my restaurant

Tom, will you come to my empty beige
apartment and help me set up my daybed?
yes, and i will put the screws in loosely so that
when we move on it, later
it will rock like a cradle and then you will know
you are my baby

Tom, I am sitting on my dirt bike on the deck.
Will you come out from the kitchen
and watch the people with me?
yes, and then we will race to your bedroom.
i will win and we will tangle up
on your comforter while the sweat rains from our
stomachs and foreheads.

Tom, the stars are sitting in tonight like gumball
gems in a little girl's
jewelry box.  Later can we walk to the duck pond?
yes, and we can even go the long way past the
jungle gym.  i will push you on
the swing, but promise me you'll hold tight.  if
you fall i might disappear.

Tom, can we make a baby together?  I want to be
a big pregnant woman with a
loved face and give you a squalling red daughter.
no, but i will come insided you adn you will be
my daughter

Tom, will you stay the night with me and sleep
so close that we are one person?
no, but i will lay down on your sheets and taste
you.  there will be feathers
of you on my tongue and then i will never
forget you

Tom, when we are in line at the convenience
store can I put my hands in your
back pockets and my lips and nose in your
baseball shirt and feel the crook
of your shoulder blade?
no, but later you can lay against me and almost
touch me and when i go i will
leave my shirt for you to sleep in so that always
at night you will be pressed
up against the thought of me

Tom, if I weep and want to wait until you need
me will you promise that someday
you will need me?
no, but i will sit in silence while you rage.  you
can knock the chairs down
any mountain.  i will always be the same and you
will always wait

Tom, will you climb on top of the dumpster and
steal the sun for me?  It's just
hanging there and I want it.
no, it will burn my fingers.  no one can have the
sun: its on loan from god.
but i will draw you a picture of it and send it to you
from richmond and then you
can smooth out the paper and you will have a
piece of me as well as the sun

Tom, its so hot here, and I think I'm being
born.  Will you come back from
Richmond and baptise me with sex and cool
water?
i will come back from richmond.  i will smooth
the damp spiky hairs from the
back of your wet neck and then i will lick the
salt off it.  then i will leave

Tom, Richmond is so far away.  How will I know
how you love me?
i have left you.  that is how you will know


Carolyn Creedon