Saturday, September 29, 2012

Falling Away.

I love that my pillows smell like his cologne after he leaves.  I love that he makes me smile almost constantly. I love that I don't compare him to my ex incessantly.  And I love that, on the infrequent occasions that I do, he is always obviously the superior choice.

These things and so many more or why I have to take time every day to talk myself out of running away from him.

I haven't felt like this about someone in years.  If I am truly honest, I'm not sure I've felt this way about someone ever.  I've definitely never been this open and honest with a man.  I can easily talk to him about any of the things I talk to Oose about.

 And I am so fucking scared I can barely keep myself in check.

It's a cycle of paranoia, really.  I freak out, then I have to talk to him about it so I don't freak out anymore.  But the next day I freak out because I talked to him about it and I apparently can't handle having this much trust and intimacy with a man.  Not another person, because I have an incredible amount of both of those things with several friends, especially with Oose.  But specifically with a man.

A man I have feelings for and am afraid to really give myself to because there is no guarantee he won't hurt me.

I shouldn't have to try this hard not to sabotage things with someone I really want to be with.  I shouldn't have to force myself to relax about the fact that we've only been casually seeing each other for a month and I don't know how to tell him I don't want him to see anyone else.

Not that I think he actually is seeing someone else.

Again, paranoia.

I also have to figure out how to deal with the idea that I deserve someone this...  Wonderful.  I've spent years thinking I was going to end up with Sterling and just hoping he would treat me better, all the while knowing he never would.

It's much more difficult than I thought it would be to handle someone who isn't phased when I don't answer his texts for three hours or is totally cool with me having to put my studies first (always) and my friends first (sometimes).  Someone who just accepts me as a crazy, erratic, fickle dork and still likes me.  Someone who treats me well and that I'm still attracted to.  Someone Oose actually likes and approves of.

I think my subconscious thinks he's either not real or too good to be true and wants me to get out now before he really hurts me.  But I can't make myself run away, either.

So, I'll keep forcing myself to stay until I'm no longer afraid.  Or until my heart is completely broken.

You know, whatever happens first.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Waiting for Gonzo.

I spent this weekend in Santa Cruz.  I needed some quality time with my Oose.  And we did have an amazing weekend together.  Though, I did get a little too drunk last night and spent most of today and a chunk of last night paying for it.

Sometimes the only thing that will help me out of a hangover is McDonalds.  I don't know why that is.  It's kind of disgusting, but whatever.

It's nice to be home again, though.  I have things to study for and my kitties missed me.

For now it's back to the grindstone for me.  I have so much music to learn before the first week in October that it makes my head spin.  I can do it, but I need to devote more time than I did this last week to it.  So, I will.

And that is my update for now.  I am sleepy.

Sleepy and very happy.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Forward... Finally.

I made the decision to stop talking to Bambi again a little over a week ago.

Over the course of the summer, particularly since I arrived in Alaska, I had been becoming pretty disenchanted with the concept of even being friends with him.  This was even more complicated by the fact that he would call me when he'd been drinking and get all affectionate with me.  I was trying to just be friends and he was calling me from his girlfriend's parents' home phone (so she wouldn't catch him talking to me on his cell phone that she paid for) telling me how he still loved me and just knew that I was his forever, that he was trying to ready things so he could move out on his own and I should come visit him.  He even tried to get me to come spend a day with him in the bay area.  He'd pay for my gas and I could drive over on his day off and we could hang out and go see movies or something.

I just got sick and tired of feeling as though he was being two-faced and lying to me.  I was tired of him telling me what he wanted and how he planned to do it, then standing by as he did nothing and not being able to say anything about it because he'd get pissed off at me if I did and spend a few days punishing me by not talking to me.

There is no reason for me to fight for something I don't even want.  So I stopped.

I stopped letting him try to fight me and manipulate me.  Gradually, I stopped caring.  Until I finally I told him all the things I'd been saving up that I knew he didn't want to hear.  He said we should probably stop talking and I agreed.  Then I told him more things I knew he wouldn't want to hear, told him not to try to talk to me when his girlfriend gets pissed and starts treating him like shit again, and logged out of the email account we'd been writing each other in, never to return.

I won't even go back in to delete it.

The funny thing is that I really haven't thought about it much since I did it.  Granted, I've been kind of busy.  But that's how my life has been for the last year.  And he is no longer a part of my life or who I am.  I've been thinking this would hurt a lot more than it did.  I barely noticed.

It's odd to think that I once defined myself by him and how he felt about me.  I'm glad I no longer do.  I'm a much stronger person than I ever was with him and there's no way he could handle who I am now.  I don't care to backtrack into who I used to be to make someone as worthless as him care about me.

I'm happier without him in my life at all than I am with him in it.  He is stressful for no reason and he really doesn't do me any good.  I'd rather hold out for someone who makes me feel good consistently; someone who is as good for me as I am for him.  I've finally come to terms with the fact that Sterling will never be good for me. My future is brighter without him in it.

He made me grow up and he made me feel loved, but he never made me happy.  And I'm okay with that.  I'm okay with moving on.

And so I am.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I'm Awake... Really.

I decided to throw a partly impromptu party Saturday night.  I made the official decision to have a party Thursday night and invited people Friday night.

Overall, it went quite well.  My Jell-O shots and butterbeer were all well-received and nothing got too chaotic.  It was just chaotic enough.

My favorite part was that Oose surprised me by showing up Saturday afternoon (she was supposed to have to work all weekend but ended up having it off).  My favorite part about every time I see Oose is that I get to see Oose.

This time we had a really heartfelt talk that I didn't realize needed to happen, but did.  I realized that she and I feel the same way about each other and that is important and powerful knowledge to have.  She is my most favorite person in the world.  Well...  It could be a tie between her and my mom.  But that's still saying a lot about Oose.

The best thing about having a party is how the house looks after you clean up the next day.  Our house hasn't looked this good in a while.  I decided when I got back home from summer break that I'm going to try to clean both bathrooms every weekend.  I'm sticking with it so far, but it's only been two weeks.  The bathrooms look great, though!

I have yet to clean my room once.

I have about a billion more things to talk about, but I'm very tired from hardly sleeping all weekend and I still have to finish a writing assignment for my sociology class.  I'm avoiding it right now because it's tedious and I really don't want to do it.  But I have to or I won't pass the class.  My goal is to get straight A's this semester.

I'll try to write more soon.