Monday, October 15, 2012

Empty Bed Syndrome.

I got everything almost ready to write a post and then couldn't find my headphones.  No iPod = no personal bubble in which to write.  I finally found some headphones (not my regular ones; I think they might be in my car) and now I've kind of forgotten the outline I had started in my head for this post.


 I went to a Halloween party Friday night.  It was the first party since March that I've attended without Oose, so that was weird.  I didn't particularly like going without her, but she was pretty sick and she had an important weekend ahead of her, so it was better that she didn't come.

Before it was even a little bit of an option for Oose to come (obviously prior to her illness) I had invited the Boy to come with me and he pretty much said no because he wasn't sure he could handle being around some of the people that would be there.  He ended up surprising me and coming anyway.

He must really like me or something.

The next day, in accordance with our traditional day-after-party custom, my household got up and went to brunch.  I almost didn't go because it was pretty evident that the Boy wasn't getting up for anything, but I decided to leave him in bed.  When I came back with beignets two hours later he was still asleep.  My other guests left and I was able to spend an entire afternoon snuggling and talking with him, which is something I've wanted for weeks.

On top of having a nearly perfect night, morning after, and afternoon, the weather outside was pretty much perfect.

After I spent the weekend of my last post freaking out a little bit, I was somehow able to talk to him about it.  When he sat me down everything just came pouring out and I realized I was never going to be able to hide anything from him.  I didn't feel any better that night, but when I woke up the next morning everything was different.  I was okay.

I realized it's good that I'll never be able to hide anything from him.  I never want to hide anything.  He makes me feel like I'm safe with him.

I'm in such a weird place of happiness and general contentment.  All these feelings are super foreign to me, but that's okay.

He's never mad at me, even when I'm two hours later than I said I would be.  He never makes me feel like a child.  He doesn't mind that I always want him to drive; in fact, I think he kind of likes that.  He wants me to spend time with my friends.  He respects me.  He teases me and loves that I tease him back.  He trusts me and I can trust him.

For now he is still my lover and one of my best friends.  And that's okay.  For now.

I am only mildly irritated that he decided to show up and get me all used to him right after I realized I was used to sleeping alone.  Sleeping alone super sucks once more.

On a different note, I've noticed lately that I'm not homesick, but I miss my family like crazy.  Part of the reason might be that I was really looking forward to them finally visiting me for my recital (they visited once together and it was in August so my brother and dad could work on my car) and my recital has officially been postponed until February.  Now I might not see them until Thanksgiving and that's hard.  In part just because I like spending time with them and in part because they might not come visit me.  There are a lot of things I've been waiting for over a year to share with my parents.

I know this is definitely not the case, but that almost makes me feel like they don't support me or they don't care as much about the portions of my life that don't relate directly to them.  Especially my dad.  I know my mom would visit, but she would want him to come with her.

It's just really frustrating.

I think a big part of my current feelings is the fact that my mom is so close to me and I feel like we've barely talked because she's been so busy.  I worry about her a lot.  Plus, I want to share how happy I am with her and I can't because I've barely talked to her in about a month.  I miss her as my friend.

I really need to work on writing more often.  It's already been two weeks since my last post...