My October is Always Blue.

Last Friday night my soul sister and I took a day trip to San Francisco so I could finally go to my first real rock concert. We saw one of my all-time favorite bands: Blue October.

Their biggest hit was “Hate Me,” which, oddly enough, I don't really like much. The rest of their music is great, though.

I had heard probably two Blue October songs when I met Bambi. Then he gave me a bunch of his music and later (when I finally got an iPod) put all of his music on my iPod. We used to listen to Blue October and Avenged Sevenfold all the time. After I left he started listening to more Avenged and Hollywood Undead, but he always said he wanted to see Blue October in concert. Which made the whole experience a little bittersweet.

I was there with Oose and completely ecstatic that she was the one I got to see them with, since she is my soulmate in many, many ways. But there was still a tiny part of me that wished he could have shared that with me. One of many promises he never kept, I suppose.

I realized a half an hour out of town that I had forgotten our tickets (which I had printed out days in advance) on my bed. So we had to find a Kinko's near the concert venue and somehow we got stuck with the dickest cab driver in San Francisco. He didn't even drop us off at the Kinko's. He dropped us a block away from it.

I didn't tip him.

I was also running late because I got stuck in traffic on the way into the city. Needless to say, I was pretty antsy.

We got to the venue just after eight, which is when the concert was supposed to start. Luckily, the opening act (IamDynamite; they are awesome, just so you know) didn't even go on until 8:15. And even though the doors opened at seven we still managed to get pretty close to the front.

I was very pleased to find that the band is as good (or better) live as in a recording.

Surprisingly enough, I only cried once and I was very lucky that Oose was there to hold my hand. Of all the songs I could have cried during (which is pretty much every single one of them), I spontaneously combusted during this one.

Afterward, I got a t-shirt that fits me pretty much perfectly. And we found a pizza parlor close to the hotel that is open until two. By the time we got back to the hotel and got into our pjs it was almost two. We both crashed pretty hard.

The next morning we got up, had some breakfast, and wandered around a bit.

Here are some pictures of our adventures. Enjoy them.

Also, please forgive any graininess. I still can't get my digital camera to hold a charge and I was trying to be polite by leaving the flash on my phone off.

Broken Promises.

I never guessed I would be this busy. 

I thought I'd be pretty busy, but I didn't think nearly every minute of my "free time" would be completely consumed with work, homework, friends, or rehearsal.  Don't get me wrong, it's pretty amazing.  But I'm SO tired.  All.  The.  Time.  Not only have I not had time to post, I haven't seen a movie or episode of a tv show since I moved three weeks ago.  I still have the same Netflix dvd I've had since early August.  I haven't read a bit of any of the books I thought I'd get to.  And I have yet to have one weekend during which I'm not up until four AM at least one night.

I guess if this isn't college, I don't know what is.

In all reality, I'm super happy.  I love my house, my roommates, the new people I'm getting to know, (most of) my classes...  I've settled into my life here pretty easily. 

While I hate the town I live in, I love how close it is to cities I like.  I'm two hours (depending on traffic) from Santa Cruz.  I've gotten to see Oose twice already since I moved.  And I'll get to see her again next week when we go see Blue October.

I'm excited about this for multiple reasons.  I get to see Oose.  I get to go to San Francisco with her.  And this will be my first real rock concert of my choosing.  Most of the other concerts I've attended have been classical and/or were with my parents, so they chose who we were going to see. 

I absolutely LOVE Blue October. 

I just find that I'm experiencing a bit of sadness with the happiness and excitement I've been feeling. 

Bambi loved Blue October.  Until last year he was the reason I had most of their music on my iPod.  He is the reason I know almost all of their songs.  They were one of the bands he really wanted to see in concert and he'd never been able to. 

Last year they released Approaching Normal.  I cried the first three times I listened to it, at least.  This year they released Any Man in America.  It was almost as bad.  Particularly this song.  And this song.

I just keep wondering when I'll get over it. When I'll stop randomly crying.  When my heart will stop hurting.  When I'll forget.

Because what I really desperately want is to forget.  It gets so tiring, remembering everything. 

The scary thing is that, tired as I am of being and feeling alone, I almost never want to date again. I really think I would rather die than go through anything like I what I did with him again.  And I'm afraid no one will ever love me or hold my interest that much again.  I'm afraid that maybe I don't want someone else to. 

Maybe part of the problem was that he was supposed to have been the one to take me to a concert like this a long time ago.  Maybe part of the problem is that I always thought he would.  But instead I'm going without him and, for some reason, feeling like it's a way to figuratively wave my middle finger in the air at him.  I know it's not.  And I would want to go to this concert anyway.

I think more than anything it's the change and this Blue October cd, coupled with the Adele cd I got a couple of weeks ago. 

I suppose it's time I tried to put it out of my mind, did some homework/work, crawled into a hole, and died.  Maybe things will seem better in the morning.

The Inevitable.

Firstly, I have amazing friends. 

 

They fill my life with love and laughter (and lots of “that’s what she said” jokes).  They remind me how awesome my life is, can, and will be.  They take me to brunch when I am poor.  They give me extra hugs when it’s obvious I need them.  And they accept the fact that I will order a second Strawberry Lemonado from Applebee’s after seeing my ex, then sing all the words to “Fuck You” very loudly in the car on the way back to their house.  

Secondly, I cannot wait to get out of this town.  I am so incredibly tired of running into ghosts and living with demons.  

I am tired of feeling inexplicably guilty for going to fucking Target.  I am tired of feeling like I shouldn’t be seen in any bar ever.  

I am tired of avoiding streets and stores.  I am tired of semi-hiding.  

I guess that, really, the worst is over.  I doubt I’ll even stumble across him again before I leave.  

That means the last time I’ll see him in my life, he’ll have had a Mohawk.  

I wonder if he’s even working anymore.

I went to a dance show to see two of the sisters in what I consider my extended family Saturday night.  

The show was great.  

That was where I saw him.  For the first time in months.  

Typically I’m pretty good at avoiding places I think he might be just because I think we have nothing left to say to each other…  And I really believe we are both sick and tired of fighting with each other.  That’s all our conversations ever turned into anyway.

The memories are really the hardest part that’s left.

The idea of someone that looks at me like I’m the most amazing thing on the planet.  Someone who I am attracted to that is completely attracted to me. 

Someone who, despite those things, in no way deserved me.

Once I realized his daughter was in the show, I hoped I’d somehow luck out and they’d sit in a completely different area or go to the matinee.  Only one of those hopes was realistic, I knew that.  

Goober was adorable.  It’s insane how much she looks like him.  The whole time she was dancing she had the same expression on her face that he used to have while on his bike.  

I briefly considered saying hello (after the initial panic attack had worn off).  But I know it’s better this way.  With no contact.  No acknowledgement of each other’s presence.  

I'm starting to wonder if it ever becomes not-awkward to run into an ex (who is not currently your friend).  Even someone you know you don't want to be with. 

My quasi-sisters were fantastic.  And gorgeous, as usual.  I’m really glad I got to see them dance; I never have before.  

Actually, I never tried to be involved in “family” activities as much as I have in the last few months.  I think that’s one of the best changes I’ve made this year.  

I initially intended this post to be a semi-funny story about getting kinda drunk at Applebee’s after the show.  But then I made the mistake of listening to this song.  I’m a sucker for Blue October.  Stupid Facebook feed.  That, coupled with my lack of sleep last night, has made me seriously contemplative.  

Suck. 

How 'Bout This Weather?

I’ve been on a Kings of Leon and Blue October kick of late.

I think the weather is bringing me down.

It’s June.  I should be wearing sundresses and sandals, right?

No.

I’m wearing jeans and long-sleeved shirts. 

Plus, my anxiety is reaching an all-time high (which is really saying something).  Friday I was so anxious that I thought maybe the weather was making me depressed.  Then I realized I don’t feel depressed (I can tell because it’s a sensation I am far too familiar with).  I’m generally really happy.  I just can’t catch my breath and sometimes want to cry for no reason at all. 

This means that I have to go to the doctor soon-ish.  So I can (once again) get hopped up on anti-anxiety meds. 

And I have to go to the lady doctor this month so she can deal with my birth control situation.

Birth control blows.  (I feel like I've said that before...)

But not being on it increases my anxiety.  Not because I’m having sex, but because I never remember to write down when my last period was, so I freak out that it’s late because I’m afraid that somehow rogue sperm from God-knows-where may have randomly just up and wandered into my vagina. 

Even when it’s not late; I just have no idea when I last had my period.

Yes.  I am that crazy.

The problem is that I never have good results from my birth control anymore.  The pills make me sick, crazy, gain weight, and/or they make my boobs bigger.  Which is definitely NOT something I want from my birth control.  I already have enough trouble finding bras in my size that I actually like. 

I guess I could just make one appointment.

Because if I drink Jack Daniels to curb my anxiety, birth control is obviously more important.