Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Cutting the Strings.

I feel as if I've been writing a lot about my ex lately. 
I tried to look at recent blogs to see if I really have, but it looks like I've been writing more about anxiety than anything else.
Which makes sense because I've been pretty much bat-shit crazy for the last week. 
This is due in part to the fact that I saw him for the first time in months.  And the fact that I'm freaking out about school and moving.  Also, I just started bleeding.  Again. 
It seems like this happens every month.
I know; it's weird.
So, I was only freaking out on about fifty different levels while simultaneously (and unwittingly) experiencing the wonderful symptoms of being a woman.  Thanks, fucking Eve.
When I get really high anxiety, I tend to think about my ex more because he was always the one who could easily talk me down. 
I mean, sure, he called me fat and useless and a cunt...  But being able to calm me is kind of a gift.  No offense, Oosrael.  You do an amazing job.  It's just one of the things he was exceedingly good at.  And I will never understand why. 
That means that having the bouts of tremendous anxiety I've been having are even harder than they should be because I don't know how to get all the thoughts and memories out of my mind. 
I think it's actually really healthy for me to have had to deal with my mind this weekend mostly on my own.  I feel like I'm in a much better place right now, mentally, than I have been in weeks.  Maybe even months.
Don't get me wrong.  I'm completely freaked out about the major life changes I'm about to undergo.  And I still miss having a man-friends to hang out with.  But I’m getting used to not having that attention, too. 

In other news, I started a pretty good (but sort of predictable rom-com) book this weekend.  And took a 3.5 hour nap.  I haven’t done that in probably a decade.  Yesterday I even got to go swimming, which was pretty much amazing.  There were even a few shooting stars after dark. 
It’s too easy sometimes to forget how amazing my life (and the people in it) is (are).  Sometimes I forget to just be.
Maybe I’ll make a mid-year resolution to work on that. 

Probably not. 

P.S.  I’m finished talking about him.  I can’t imagine how sick you are of reading about him if I’m this sick of talking about him.  I’m going to push him away to a distant memory where he belongs and be done with it.


  1. Most of your blogs are about PMS and anxiety. Thankfully they make pills for that. ;) I am sure plenty of things put a smile on your pretty face. Some men are rats and life goes on.



  2. Ah, naps are glorious.
    And who am I to say what you can write about? I am not sick of anything you write, but maybe it's because I'm a fairly new reader. You write whatever you need to and don't worry about holding the attention of faceless readers.
    Or even ones with faces.

  3. @"Hanson"-- Right now I'm taking pills for neither. Even Advil I usually only take for fevers (actually, I think I take Tylenol for fevers, but same difference) and tension headaches. I am lucky to have great friends who know how to make me relax and how to make me laugh and smile.

    @Patty-- More than anything, it's just that I'm sick of thinking about it. Sick of dealing with that situation over and over again in my mind. So the best thing for me to do is get over it and get it out of my mind. What I've written in the last month or so has helped me be able to do that in an amazing and gigantic way. I think last weekend's breakdown was sort of my last hoorah on the subject, so to speak. Now I'm ready to be happy and move on again. While I like feeling like I'm fun and not depressing to read, so there is a little bit of me that thinks I should be considerate to my readers, I'm just really feeling like I want and need to move on. If you wanted to tell me what to write about, I wouldn't care. It could be like a fun writing suggestion game. Like brainstorming in freshman year English class. Also, I love naps. Just not waking up from them.