Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The End is Near.

I have too much to do and too little time in which to do it in the next couple of weeks, so please don't expect too much from me.  My semester is over in three weeks and by then I have to have 3/4 of an opera memorized, as well as the repertoire for my lessons.  And a multitude of homework assignments for my other classes.

I'm just a little overwhelmed right now.

Don't mind me.  I'm just going to crawl over here in the corner and melt down for a while.


Also, I feel compelled to note that I haven't felt so desperately lonely in a long time.  I think it's because I've never been in a place where I've been this overwhelmed and over-stressed and not had someone to really lean on or hold me.  At this point I am a thread away from being completely incapacitated by everything I'm supposed to accomplish because I honestly don't know if I can manage it and never before have I not had someone (even if it's my mom) to hold me while I cry.  I'm sure my roommates would be understanding and really try to comfort me if I broke on one of their shoulders, but I don't feel comfortable showing that kind of weakness to them.

So I get to be holed-up in my room for the next few weeks.  I don't know if I can last that long.  But I know I have to.

Life just keeps trying to push me into being a stronger woman and I keep stumbling and feeling as though I'm going to fall flat on my face.  Then, somehow, I find myself in the clear sunshine and relief of the other side.

Let's hope that happens this time, too.

Hope.




Tuesday, April 17, 2012

The Heat.

This semester has been pretty stressful for me.

I had thought that spring break would be a welcome reprieve from the stresses of my scholastic life.  I was wrong.

At least I got to get out of town.  But I came back to school with only four weeks left until finals.  I'm feeling completely overwhelmed and unprepared.  I have so much to accomplish and I'm not ready for any of it yet.

As usual, I'm sure I'll survive.  I'm just not sure how.


Please excuse me while I go sacrifice another lamb to the gods of academia.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Detox.

I think being back in Shasta County, surrounded by snow-capped mountains and grass and trees, is helping to clear my mind.

Maybe it's not just that.

I'm at day four of working alone in my office.  I haven't had time all to myself in what seems like forever.  I feel as if I have several months worth of bullshit corrupting all of my thoughts and now the smoke in my mind is finally starting to clear.

In short, I needed spring break in a desperate sort of way.

This visit home has been pretty reaffirming.  I've really been questioning my choice to remain a music major this semester.  My university gave me a good scholarship to come sing for them and it really doesn't feel as though they've been trying to utilize me at all.  So even though they obviously think I have a lot of potential, I don't understand why the powers that be seem to have no interest in showing me off, so to speak.

I've felt as though I'm backtracking and not going anywhere because of the treatment I receive at school, despite the knowledge that I am improving (even if it is gradually).

But this visit home I had a good talk with some of my old teachers in the area about my musicianship and the progress I've made in the last year.

Then my dad made me sing for my grandma when we visited her in the assisted living facility yesterday.  And the people sitting out on the patio enjoyed it so much they asked me to sing again before I left.  The person who really put the pressure on me wasn't even an older person.  It was a guy probably in his early 40's with really terrible pain.

Having a random group of people respond that positively to my singing negated many of the negative thoughts I've been having lately.  That and the number of people in the last two or three days who have told me they have no doubt how successful I'll be.

That's the kind of thing that makes me want to work even harder.  It makes me want to build success upon success.  It makes me want to sing this to excruciating perfection.  Then shove it in my voice teacher's face and make him eat it.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Porky Pie.

For some reason I expected that going back to school full time would be a less sedentary lifestyle than working full time. 

Somehow, that does not seem to be the case. 

Toward the end of last semester I was drinking quite a bit (for me) because I had a very difficult time dealing with all the stresses of my personal, work, and scholastic life.  Nights I felt like I was drowning I would drink an entire bottle of Barefoot Muscato Spumante (one of the tastiest sparkling wines I've ever had) by myself.  Out of the bottle.  I mean, when you now you're going to drink the whole thing anway, fuck glasses. 

Glasses are for fancy people with luxuries like self-esteem and moderation.

Apparently somewhere between the bottles of wine and beer (beer especially during the 'end-of-the-semester' parties) and my Burger King comfort food stress diet, I gained weight.

Big surprise.

And my semester has been hectic enough that I haven't had as much time to go to the gym as I would like.  At least not in the convenient hours between 9 AM and 10 PM. 

I'm trying to be conscious of not overeating or eating really shitty comfort foods and not drinking a lot.  I've been doing pretty well.  The upside is that I am no longer gaining weight.  The downside is that loss is coming very slowly.

I just want to fit into my jeans from two years ago.  I'm hoping if I'm able to get caught up on some schoolwork over spring break I'll have enough time to hit the gym with some kind of frequency for the rest of the semester.  And if I work hard enough over the summer maybe I'll be comfortable with myself again by fall. 

I miss my jeans.

Also, I just realized that I haven't been in an actual relationship with someone for almost two years.  That's pretty much an eternity for me.  Not that I should have been with someone in any way, shape, or form.  It just makes me wonder...  Am I so much of a bitch or a dude that guys have no interest in me?  Or am I even more oblivious than I previously thought?

Oh!  And I recently discovered that the last guy I dated just got married.  To the girl he started seeing two weeks after we broke up.  So...  That's awkward.  For me.  I'm sure he's happy and I'm glad for that.  I mean, I definitely would not have wanted to marry him.  He was a great guy.  But I couldn't handle how different we were and his constant need to be every little thing I could have desired.  I need more of a challenge out of my relationships than that. 

I need real people.

More than that.  I need the jeans I was wearing then to fit my ass.

Ultimately Unprepared.

Yay!  It's another menstruation story!  Bleeding is fun and not painful at all!

Not.



I knew I was going to start my period sometime near the first of the month.  That's when it always is.  And my period doesn't change to accommodate the periods of those I spend a lot of time with.  It drags others in and enslaves them.

My period is like the Athena of menstruation.  My hormones will battle yours.  And they will fucking win, dammit!

I actually had a conversation about this with one of my good friends recently. 

Rita--  "Curse you and your stupid contagious period issues...  I've never had cramps or mood swings before I started hanging out with you all the time!  Lol."

Me--  "I'm sorry!  My period is probably forcing yours closer to it, too.  It does that."

Rita--  "You're like a giant star, sucking in everything nearby and forcing it to follow you."

Can't argue with that logic.


So, you would think that, armed with the knowledge of my own personal impending massacre, I would have had the foresight to pack more than five pads when I left home for my parents'.  I mean, I have a two-pack of Always overnights from Costco (that's seriously like 80 pads).  But no.  Five pads.  No tampons.  Not that I'm even sure I have tampons at home right now.

I really just can't be bothered to be on top of anything at this point in my semester.  I'm lucky I'm still remembering to wear fresh underwear each day.

At least, I think I am.  I'm not always super clear on which day it is.  Or how long I've been awake.

Anywho, five pads.  By the time I left my office today I had already used four.  Which meant I had a choice.  The choice between buying more at Wal-Mart or Target.

My deciding factor in this choice was actually the knowledge that Target rarely has more than two lanes open in Redding when I go to check out.  So I'd have to stand in line with my period kit for, like, six days.  Wal-Mart I would have to wade through a sea of people to get to the lady diaper aisle, but then I could just sneak back to the garden center and avoid at least four days of waiting in line.

So that's what I did.

The downside was that Wal-Mart was out of the specific tampons I use.  Apparently they're popular.  I could get unscented Playtex Gentle Glides in a pack of multiple sizes (but I'd never use the regular ones) or I could get a package of unscented regular sized ones (again, same problem), or I could get the super size (yay!) in fresh scent (boo!). 

I have a problem with the concept of shoving something that smells like baby powder up my cooch and letting it hang out in there for a couple hours.  Not only are my lady parts super sensitive, so I'm pretty sure I'd have some pretty undesirable results, but my vagina is also not stinky.  Thank you very much. 

When I can't get a product I like I usually end up buying several other brands/types and either finding another one I like or realizing I hate every other product that was even an inkling of an idea and that's why I use the one I do.  This is currently happening with mascara because the brand I used to use changed the formula to my favorite mascara ever and turned it into useless bullshit.  So now I can't find another mascara I like as much (and am not allergic to...  Thanks, Cover Girl...) but I also can't go back to my old one because it really doesn't exist anymore.

Since I can't get the tampons I like (at least not without them being soaked in a vat of Febreze), I got two new ones to try.  We'll see if I hate them by tomorrow night. 

I also got pantyliners.  Except that by the time I got to the pantyliners I was ready to come home and fall asleep over my steering wheel in the driveway, so I didn't pay enough attention and accidentally got scented ones.  At least they won't be inside me, I guess. 

I'm actually really irritated with myself that I was so tired.  I really desperately wanted to troll some unsuspecting male cashier.  As it was I just bought two boxes of tampons, some pads, pantyliners and a pair of pantyhose.  Had I been more awake I would have purchased a few additional items.  Namely delicious Easter chocolate (Easter has some of the very best holiday candies), Hanes old lady briefs, a package of baby wipes, some milk, and cat food.

God, that would have made me ridiculously happy.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

I Can See Snow From Here.

I cannot wait until tomorrow at 5 PM. 

Why, you ask? 

Because, silly goose, that's when spring break officially starts for my university. 

Technically I guess I'm already on spring break because I came back to Redding Tuesday night.  But I'm working in my office, trying to help my church choir out with the music for Easter, writing a paper, and composing a piece of music.  Luckily I finished the paper and turned it in on time.  Now I just have to do the music thing.

At least I just have to employ 20th century composition techniques, rather than pull something out of my ass completely.  The hardest part is going to be choosing my text.  I'd love to use a Pablo Neruda or Octavio Paz poem, but I feel like it would be awkward to have a quartet sing something dirty.  Maybe I can just find something...  Pretty.

So, I'm home until, like, next Saturday. 

It's kinda nice.  I missed my dog.  I get to hang out with my parents.  I'm going to attempt to utilize their exercise equipment.  You know, if I can get the massage chair and plants out from the space the treadmill is supposed to fold down into. 

Seriously, if this shit has been a coat rack for the last six months why can I not have it?  I don't understand.

Modesto has been unseasonably warm and dry for the last...  Always.  Tuesday I couldn't wear my sweatshirt outside because it was too hot.  I got to Redding Tuesday night and it was raining.  Yesterday it rained.  It even hailed at my office.

I forgot my coat because I haven't had to wear it.  I brought one pair of heavy socks.  I left my Converse at home.  I didn't think I'd need them.  I almost packed flip-flops.

I.  Am.  An.  Idiot.

I overpacked and still manage to be freezing. 

Not only am I freezing right now, but by the time I acclimate it will be time for me to go home and then I'll roast there. 

Also, I have cramps.  Bad ones.  I can feel my body actively trying to expel my uterine lining.  And any extra blood that might have been hanging out with the intent of warming my limbs is now all smushed into my core trying to join the party raging upstairs of my cervix. 

I seriously need to figure out a way to get to bed before 2 AM.  Maybe being more awake will alleviate some of my bitch symptoms.  Or maybe it will just make me more articulate.

At least there's snow on the mountains this time.  There was none at Christmas.  Maybe I'll go for a drive with my dad this weekend.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Two Days... I Can Do That.

I'm heading home the day after tomorrow.  Thank God.

As if this semester hasn't been hard enough on me, there's that thing with Bambi.

It's like he can tell when I'm just about to let go, then he tries to contact me.  Maybe that really is what happens.  I can't know what his thought process is.

I responded to him initially because I was curious.  I wanted to know why he would even attempt to talk to me.  I wanted to know what was wrong with him that he thought I was going to fix.

At first he just missed me.  And he was not at all happy with his girlfriend.  He's still not.  He's constantly talking about leaving her and he never does. 

He'll say he's leaving her and not coming back, then realize that he hates staying with his mom, that he has no money and really no one else to stay with, and that she technically owes him money.  Then he'll go back. 

He's still an alcoholic.  He still sometimes lies to me for no reason, then tells me the truth later.  The scary part is that he seems to eventually come clean to me but he is in general more honest with me than the person he's dating. 

She doesn't want him to talk to me because she's afraid he's still in love with me and that I'm going to take him away.  If I were willing to support him the way that she does and had the funds to do so, he probably would leave her for me.  But that's not a path I'm really willing to go down. 

Because she hates me (and, to be fair, she has some good reasons to; she just doesn't know about them) he hides that he talks to me.  He texts me almost every day and lies to her about it.  He even still tells me he loves me. 

Apparently he has my number entered in his phone under the name of one of his old girlfriends.  Oddly enough, it's the girlfriend he used to bitch to about his feelings when we were together.  The more I think about it, the more aware I become of the fact that this is not a space I'm willing to fill in his life.

I do not give a rat's ass about his worthless lowlife piece of shit girlfriend.  I do not care about her family.  I do not care about their weed trade.  And I do not care about her stupid birds.

Birds are not real pets.  Birds can be adorable.  But it's like having a less cool flying version of a Velociraptor as a pet. 

I am sick of being the person he calls every time they fight.  Which is pretty often. 

I kept talking to him because I missed being friends with him.  He knows pretty much everything there is to know about me and he really understands me, which is a blessing and a curse.  He knows how to make me feel better when I'm upset and encourage me when I'm feeling discouraged.

But I just can't do this.  I shouldn't have to deal with this fucked up situation.  So I'm extricating myself from it.

There's your drama for the week.  You know I'm always good for it.


In other news, I finally took the time to clean and do all my laundry yesterday.  My room hasn't looked this good in months and I think it really is helping my mental state not to have so much mess around me.  Also, it rained yesterday.  I'm sure that helped as well. 

Lastly, I'm planning on doing a summer program (for voice) in Alaska this year.  I'm really excited about it.  I have to make a recording of a few songs to send to them for my audition, though.  I plan to upload them to soundcloud or something like that and just give them the links.  Perhaps I'll post them here, as well, and then those who are curious (mainly Patty) will have the opportunity to hear what I sound like.

This will also present me with the opportunity to go to Alaska.  And I am stoked about that.  You know, as long as I can acquire the money to actually do it.

I may have to rob some people.

Don't tell anyone.