Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Snot, The Tears.

Some days I feel like a widow.

In fact, I frequently pretend you did die as a way to cope.

Every man I think I'm attracted to, every decision I make, everything... Everything just goes back to you.

Sometimes there are things I wish I could tell you. Things I wish I could have told you a long time ago. But then I remember.

I don't know how many times I said, “I love you.” I meant it every time and that's what made it so hard for so long. I don't know how many times I said, “Forgiveness doesn't mean being stupid enough to make the same mistake again.” I meant that, too. Even thought I did make the same mistakes. Over and over again. With you. Because this time was the time it was going to work out, this time was going to be the time we would stop fighting and be together forever.

That time never came.

Sometimes I wonder if everything you did was a lie. Because you had to have known how naïve I was. And it's funny how it worked out, that you became cruel just as I was too dependent on you to let go. I spent so long waiting for you to grow up, to man up, and it never happened. Things just got worse. And we blamed each other. I still blame you.

I want to hate you... So. Much.

I just can't.

But I am finally learning to let you go.

The problem is that it hurts so fucking much. Two and a half years and it hurts still. Every man I meet, I compare to you. Good and bad. Every guy I've dated since you just doesn't compare to the good things.

You were right when you told me no one would ever love me like you did. You just didn't take into account that no one could ever hurt me like you did, either.

When will this end?

When will I no longer ache for you? When will I stop crying for no reason?

When will I stop loving you?


  1. I wish I was there to hold you right now.

  2. It's not easy getting past a love that was genuine on your part.

    It sounds stupid, but make a list of the bad things. Keep it handy for when you get stuck remembering only the good. Don't let the rose colored glasses take hold.

    The painful truth is that when you love someone, even after it ends, some part of you will probably always long for that connection. I still have jarring impulses to run my fingers through my ex's hair when I see him (which is thankfully no more than once a year). And I have been blessed to find a man that cherishes me as much as I love him.

    Hate isn't the cure for love. They're both strong emotions. Hate and pity are more closely opposite. And love and apathy. Find the place for pity and apathy.


  3. Have you been reading too many of my old posts? Ah, thinking about it is therapeutic in a way. Dwelling is not. Though, that response has come in by the thousands, I'm sure. :3

  4. Amber, believe me, I have a list ingrained in my mind.

    There is nothing that could ever be good enough to outweigh the bad. And I don't mean nothing in our relationship that would have; I mean I can't think of a possible thing anyone in the world could do to make up for what I went through. When I say I love him, it doesn't mean I want to be with him. It means I will always have a small place in my heart that remembers. Which is a curse and a blessing.

    Please don't think I am depressed or losing my shit because of this. Every once in a while I have a little breakdown. It's always when it's time to go to bed, which is interesting.

    Trust me when I say I am really fine. I am not going to do anything stupid. I am not in a state where I need pity or even necessarily comfort. Writing is just the only way I can express my feelings and get them out of me. And, in a lot of ways, I am still grieving. Just without a grave to go visit from time to time.

    Thanks for your advice, love, and concern. I really appreciate it. All of you. :)

  5. Some people tend to overreact whenever I am upset about something...sorry everyone, we can't all be suicidal or depend on something as a crutch. :P

  6. Exactly. The memories that still create grief and fear in my heart are not something I lean or depend on; they are what drives me. I NEVER want to be in a place that bad again. And I won't settle because I know what I really want.

    One of the problems that I have is that I can't express myself verbally very well (so not a yeller), so I cry and it helps relieve stress or whatever and it's misinterpreted as weakness or that I need comfort. When in reality, crying is embarrassing to me, so I want to escape the attention I'd regularly welcome. Not saying I don't like to get a hug or whatever. But once I write on something and cry for a little bit, I'm okay.