Some days I feel like a widow.
In fact, I frequently pretend you did die as a way to cope.
Every man I think I'm attracted to, every decision I make, everything... Everything just goes back to you.
Sometimes there are things I wish I could tell you. Things I wish I could have told you a long time ago. But then I remember.
I don't know how many times I said, “I love you.” I meant it every time and that's what made it so hard for so long. I don't know how many times I said, “Forgiveness doesn't mean being stupid enough to make the same mistake again.” I meant that, too. Even thought I did make the same mistakes. Over and over again. With you. Because this time was the time it was going to work out, this time was going to be the time we would stop fighting and be together forever.
That time never came.
Sometimes I wonder if everything you did was a lie. Because you had to have known how naïve I was. And it's funny how it worked out, that you became cruel just as I was too dependent on you to let go. I spent so long waiting for you to grow up, to man up, and it never happened. Things just got worse. And we blamed each other. I still blame you.
I want to hate you... So. Much.
I just can't.
But I am finally learning to let you go.
The problem is that it hurts so fucking much. Two and a half years and it hurts still. Every man I meet, I compare to you. Good and bad. Every guy I've dated since you just doesn't compare to the good things.
You were right when you told me no one would ever love me like you did. You just didn't take into account that no one could ever hurt me like you did, either.
When will this end?
When will I no longer ache for you? When will I stop crying for no reason?
When will I stop loving you?