Thursday, March 10, 2011

I hate trolls. Not the dolls. Those are cool. Kinda.

You know what’s perfect for a day like today?


And Cee-Lo Green.

Don’t ask me how they go together, but it works in this magical and therapeutic way.  Try it.  You’ll feel better.

Oooh…  And Sia.

Basically, the playlist I created yesterday is perfect for my current mood.  It’s overcast and drizzling on and off outside, but I am toasty inside my office.  I’m not super sleepy today, so I must have passed out and had comfortable dreams all of last night.  Which is great, considering how stiff my neck was while I tried to fall asleep. 

All in all, it’s really a beautiful day.  For me.

Except for that one thing.  You know, ladies.  The evil troll who’s not tall enough to stab you in the heart, so he jabs you repeatedly in the uterus with some sort of blunt stabby object.  Then twists it around for a while.  A lot. 

You know that scene from the movie The Last House on the Left (70’s version) where they pretty much play with that girl’s intestines?  Yeah.  Evil troll + my uterus = gory 70’s anti-war movie with creepy flower child music in the background. 

Why can menstruation not be like Hendrix at Woodstock, but without the bad acid?  I want to have a party of happiness, not one of self pity in which I curl up under my fuzzy cat blanket and watch Scooby-Doo for three hours.  Not that that sounds bad.  But it’s more of a “sick day” thing.  Not an “I feel like dying today” kind of thing.  I don’t think I could feel awful enough to call in sick for my period, anyway.  Because I am probably clinically insane and couldn’t just say “I’m sick.”  I’d be like, “OH MY GAWD!!!  THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERE!  I AM DYING AND IN PAIN!” and my boss would be all “Police are on their way to your house.  Can you describe your assailant?”  And I’d say, “It had to have been that motherfucking troll-like uterus stabber again!”

Then I’d be bleeding all over my padded cell.

And if The Shining* taught me anything, it’s that I should be afraid of putting red and white together.  It’s pretty much the creepiest color combination.  So, thanks for that, Kubrick.  You red and white loving bastard.

Maybe in a little bit I’ll try to stretch or something.  That’s supposed to help, right?

And green beans.  Green beans would totally help right now.  Because they sound delicious and would make my body happy.  That’s how I’m getting through Lent, by the way.  I’m thinking, “Would this make my body happy or annoyed?”  If the answer is “annoyed,” I don’t do it.  Exercise last night?  Happy heart.  Banana?  Happy tummy and blood sugar, without crazy snack-food indigestion.

Go figure. 

I’m going to take my troll to lunch and see if there’s anything that doesn’t make him want to abuse me. 

By the way, is it bad if I told my coworker my tummy hurt so he would take pity on me and not ask me to do stuff?

*The Shining is one of my favorite movies.  Not because I love scary movies or something.  But because I like the characters.  And Jack Nicholson is a BAMF. 
The book was way better, though.  From every perspective.  It actually made me feel like I was losing my mind a little bit.  Steven King is a genius on cocaine.

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