Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Sleep deprivation makes me want pancakes.

I am not the girl who sleeps with other girls' boyfriends.

I am not the girl who hooks up with random guys out of boredom or because I'm lonely.

I am not the girl who can spend a night with a guy and just forget about it afterward.

I wish I could not care. I wish I could be with someone even a couple of times just for physical gratification and then forget about it entirely afterward.

But I'm not that girl, either.

I have come to terms with the fact that, even if I do want a fast, cheap, and easy fling for purely physical reasons, I cannot do it. In a way, it's almost annoying. I really, really want to be able to disconnect like a guy and not care. I am just completely incapable of doing so.

I think the problem is that, despite my sometimes slightly irritable and extremely sarcastic nature, I am really built for loving and caring about other people. Despite how much I say I don't want to deal with other people's crap and I don't want a family, etc., I find that when I dig deep inside myself, I really don't mind and I kind of do want a family. Not that I'd make the greatest parent. But I definitely wouldn't be the worst. In my heart, even though I do get tired of it, I don't mind taking care of other people-- as long as I don't have to do it all the time. I like feeling useful. (Please note the line between “useful” and “used.”) And I LOVE feeling loved.

This is why I will never be able to have one-night-stands. This is why (among other reasons) I don't go out and part all the time. This is why I'm at a point of completely not caring what other people think. Especially men. I pierce what I want. I wear what I want. And I do things for myself, because this is the time in my life I can afford to do that.

Oy. Now that that rant is over...

I am in love with a Maroon 5 song today. It's called “Stutter.” You should listen to it.



I'm super sleepy. BEDTIME!!! Yay!!!


  1. That's good, it shouldn't matter really what other people think about your personal life anyway. :P

  2. Allow me to transfer text to blog...a loving nature is better than a cold, impervious one! ;) Lol. Here's a quote from C.S. Lewis that I love:

    "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

    You know, believe it or not I used to be one of the girls you mentioned. It came so easily for awhile that I didn't even realize who I was being. But NO MORE!!! Thank goodness for the Grace of God. :)

  3. @Tiffany- So. True.

    @Elly- Now you know why I thought you were responding to this? :) I really, really like that quote. I'm stealing it.