Monday, March 28, 2011

Buzz Killington

Dear taxes,

Tonight is the night. Prepare to be done.

Wow. That sounds terrible.

So, I went out dancing with a couple of my lady friends Friday night. It was pretty much awesome. I am still a little concerned because I drank my beers faster than my girls and was much less buzzed than they were.

I started thinking maybe I wasn’t as much of a lightweight as I thought. I was wrong.  But that's a story from another night for another time.

I think it was the fact that we were drinking Coronas and dancing, so I was sweating it out pretty much as fast as I could drink it.

I know. I am so sexy. It must be completely unbearable for everyone around me.

The thing was, we were just there to dance and have a good time. Unlike pretty much everyone else in the bar, we were not there with even the slightest intention of getting laid. I also don’t think I saw a single guy there I would want grinding up against me and assaulting my personal space with his denim boner. I love it when people buy me drinks. I hate it when they think that means they can invade my personal bubble with their sticky little fingers.

That sounded bad, too. I’m on a roll.

So, I was up on the stage with my girlfriends. Enjoying myself and not getting slammed by some strange skeezoid’s ba-cock (that’s the best thing about not dancing in the middle of the crowd). And a middle aged woman wanders up to the edge of the stage and gets my attention, since I’m the closest to the front corner.

She then proceeds to tell me this, “You girls need to get down from there right now.”

And I thought, “Who the fuck are you? You are definitely not the owner of this ‘fine’ establishment…”

She continued, “You’re being disgusting and a lot of people have been saying things. You’re really embarrassing yourselves.”

Then she walked away. Leaving me to wonder what the hell we did that was so horrible.

Kind of.

I mean, I can think of some things we did that may not have been the epitome of tact or couth (and were far from lady-like), but there were other people doing much, much worse than we were. Like the two girls that came up on the stage to dance around a stool and make out with each other.

This place puts up stripper poles, for God’s sake.

If you can’t handle Friday nights in a place where they encourage pole dances, please, for the love of God, stay home.

Then the DJ of Awesomeness (as my friend calls him) asked if we knew her and told us just to ignore her and have a good time.

Which is exactly what we had been doing. Before that stupid bitch interfered.

Having fun and getting free drinks.

I think her problem was really that the man she started dancing with after she said her piece to us was blatantly staring at us and ignoring her.

It’s annoying when you have a night full of fun and positive feedback, and all that pleasure and enjoyment is killed by one hater.

I'm not sure exactly what the moral of this story should be.

I think it's: Don't get drunk and be a dick.

It could also be: Have fun and don't worry about it, regardless of your age. Or it could be: Don't be so uptight, you're killing my buzz and my good time.

Mostly, I think it's just the one about not being a dick. I get all A.D.D. bitchy when you piss me off like that. Obviously.

Just a thought, I'm glad we don't call people "clits" like we call them  "dicks."  That would be horrible.  I hope that's a trend that never starts.  Or, if in the future people feel compelled to call each other "clits" for some reason, it is not used in a derogatory way.  I hope it means something awesome.  

I should probably stop there.


Oh, by the way, I never did my taxes. I cleaned my car instead.



  1. More than anything, I agree that she was jealous that her man was paying all of his attention to you, and so for some reason that makes it ALL YOUR FAULT. Some women are like that. :P Especially, older, insecure bitchy ones.

  2. It's too bad the guy was completely unattractive. He may have been openly staring, but none of us were in the slightest bit compelled to jump between the two of them.

  3. You're so bold! I would never dance on a stage. But then again, I DO stay home on Friday nights. It sounds like you had a great time. Your posts crack me up.

  4. Yay! I'm so glad someone (besides me) thinks I'm funny!
    Sometimes I stay home on Friday and Saturday nights. I go through phases in which I'm a super homebody. Lately, I've just really been restless.
    The stage isn't so bad; once you get into dancing, you don't notice people watching you. And most of the other people are too busy doing their own thing to worry about what you're doing. The real advantage is that you're not stuck in the middle of the crowd of people pressing their sweaty bodies all over you on accident. You have room to do whatever you want.