Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Some days I feel like I am losing my mind completely.

I wonder if I might really be a crazy person. I’m cracking up.

I am completely irrational. I do things that I know I shouldn’t just because I want to see what will happen.

I feel myself growing more and more restless. I have a need and desire to do something completely stupid. Maybe to run away. From myself. My life. Something.

I feel as if I should be ashamed, but I’m really not. I think maybe I have no shame left. Nearly.

I actually don't feel like I want or need to escape myself. It's the other parts of my life. School, work, some of the people. The distractions that make life what it really is.

I think it's maybe because the planet itself is so fucked up right now. Maybe it's because I finally saw what I expected to see. Maybe gravity feels like it's pushing me so hard right now because I have no faith left. And I'm too tired to try to push back.

Prostrate and numb. It's kind of perfection.

Unfortunately, it doesn't help me decide what to do.


Ooh, I wrote my first poem in months.

I miss the days when I really liked my poetry.  But I'll post it for your benefit anyway, since I know you're curious.

Don't read too much into it. You know who you are. You readers into things.

my tears like starlight
to the Moon.
In full-orbed forgiveness
she hangs her head
low above me

and the comfort
i usually take
from her bright eyes
and round face
i cannot grasp tonight.

i steel myself away

hiding in a Fortress
of my own devising
built of straw
camouflaged as brick
blown away
in a Puff.

i weep in my hiding place

and lay my heart
on the cool green Earth
to bleed out the Pain
i let myself feel once more.

let the salt of my Tears
heal the wound
i've forged in myself.


  1. I completely understand these feelings, and have felt them many times in my life. It's why I randomly moved to Europe, just for the hell of it. For something new, to try and find out what was I doing again. To figure out how to breathe, how to LIVE again. I don't know what to say..but just know that I've been there too..I get it. <3

    PS - if this is the poetry you DON'T LIKE - holy crap dude.

  2. I'm a reader-into-things. <__< But I won't speak, I love the poetry for what it is. :3 And gurrrl, I've felt the same kind of insanity/wish for insanity this past month. I feel like one day I'm going to stop caring and panch a baby in the face. Yup. PANCH!!

  3. @Foo- It's nice to know I'm not alone. Sometimes I forget how completely normal it is to be human. Maybe I'll move to Europe :D

    Thank you, by the way.

    @Flicker- Thanks, for liking it and for not saying anything. It's so weird; usually I get restless like this maybe two or three times per year. But the last time was in January. It's almost bad enough that I might genuinely be afraid of what I am capable of doing.

    Panch sounds like a gigantic punch. Like you're going to knock that baby the fuck out. Except it makes me think of pandas, for some reason. I like baby pandas. And then I think of Kung Fu Panda. "I love Kung Fuuuuuu!"

    The mind is a mystery to me.

  4. I will knock that baby the fuck out. Especially if he keeps giving me that shit-eating grin while greedily slobbering over a delicious candy bar he knows I can't have, that will inevitably end up dropped on the ground in three seconds. PANCH!!