Some days I feel like I am losing my mind completely.
I wonder if I might really be a crazy person. I’m cracking up.
I am completely irrational. I do things that I know I shouldn’t just because I want to see what will happen.
I feel myself growing more and more restless. I have a need and desire to do something completely stupid. Maybe to run away. From myself. My life. Something.
I feel as if I should be ashamed, but I’m really not. I think maybe I have no shame left. Nearly.
I actually don't feel like I want or need to escape myself. It's the other parts of my life. School, work, some of the people. The distractions that make life what it really is.
I think it's maybe because the planet itself is so fucked up right now. Maybe it's because I finally saw what I expected to see. Maybe gravity feels like it's pushing me so hard right now because I have no faith left. And I'm too tired to try to push back.
Prostrate and numb. It's kind of perfection.
Unfortunately, it doesn't help me decide what to do.
Ooh, I wrote my first poem in months.
I miss the days when I really liked my poetry. But I'll post it for your benefit anyway, since I know you're curious.
Don't read too much into it. You know who you are. You readers into things.
my tears like starlight
to the Moon.
In full-orbed forgiveness
she hangs her head
low above me
and the comfort
i usually take
from her bright eyes
and round face
i cannot grasp tonight.
i steel myself away
hiding in a Fortress
of my own devising
built of straw
camouflaged as brick
in a Puff.
i weep in my hiding place
and lay my heart
on the cool green Earth
to bleed out the Pain
i let myself feel once more.
let the salt of my Tears
heal the wound
i've forged in myself.