Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Insanity

Some days I feel like I am losing my mind completely.

I wonder if I might really be a crazy person. I’m cracking up.

I am completely irrational. I do things that I know I shouldn’t just because I want to see what will happen.

I feel myself growing more and more restless. I have a need and desire to do something completely stupid. Maybe to run away. From myself. My life. Something.

I feel as if I should be ashamed, but I’m really not. I think maybe I have no shame left. Nearly.

I actually don't feel like I want or need to escape myself. It's the other parts of my life. School, work, some of the people. The distractions that make life what it really is.

I think it's maybe because the planet itself is so fucked up right now. Maybe it's because I finally saw what I expected to see. Maybe gravity feels like it's pushing me so hard right now because I have no faith left. And I'm too tired to try to push back.

Prostrate and numb. It's kind of perfection.

Unfortunately, it doesn't help me decide what to do.

Fuck.



Ooh, I wrote my first poem in months.

I miss the days when I really liked my poetry.  But I'll post it for your benefit anyway, since I know you're curious.

Don't read too much into it. You know who you are. You readers into things.



Cry
my tears like starlight
to the Moon.
In full-orbed forgiveness
she hangs her head
low above me

and the comfort
i usually take
from her bright eyes
and round face
i cannot grasp tonight.

i steel myself away

hiding in a Fortress
of my own devising
built of straw
camouflaged as brick
blown away
in a Puff.

i weep in my hiding place

and lay my heart
gently
on the cool green Earth
to bleed out the Pain
i let myself feel once more.

let the salt of my Tears
heal the wound
i've forged in myself.

4 comments:

  1. I completely understand these feelings, and have felt them many times in my life. It's why I randomly moved to Europe, just for the hell of it. For something new, to try and find out what was I doing again. To figure out how to breathe, how to LIVE again. I don't know what to say..but just know that I've been there too..I get it. <3

    PS - if this is the poetry you DON'T LIKE - holy crap dude.

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  2. I'm a reader-into-things. <__< But I won't speak, I love the poetry for what it is. :3 And gurrrl, I've felt the same kind of insanity/wish for insanity this past month. I feel like one day I'm going to stop caring and panch a baby in the face. Yup. PANCH!!

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  3. @Foo- It's nice to know I'm not alone. Sometimes I forget how completely normal it is to be human. Maybe I'll move to Europe :D

    Thank you, by the way.

    @Flicker- Thanks, for liking it and for not saying anything. It's so weird; usually I get restless like this maybe two or three times per year. But the last time was in January. It's almost bad enough that I might genuinely be afraid of what I am capable of doing.

    Panch sounds like a gigantic punch. Like you're going to knock that baby the fuck out. Except it makes me think of pandas, for some reason. I like baby pandas. And then I think of Kung Fu Panda. "I love Kung Fuuuuuu!"

    The mind is a mystery to me.

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  4. I will knock that baby the fuck out. Especially if he keeps giving me that shit-eating grin while greedily slobbering over a delicious candy bar he knows I can't have, that will inevitably end up dropped on the ground in three seconds. PANCH!!

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