Thursday, March 24, 2011

Days like today, I feel it.

I tried.

I tried so hard to go along with it.  Despite knowing that I can’t operate like that.  I tried and I just can’t do it. 

I’m not going to say I failed, because I don’t feel like I am failing at anything.  And believe me, I know failing.   There’s not that sense of deadness I get in the pit of my stomach when I know I’m failing. 

I just can’t do this.

I can’t not have emotions.

Maybe it’s me.

Maybe the fact that I’m cool with talking about a guy’s sac and ballsweat, the fact that I love physical intimacy, and the facts that I like to drive fast and want to shoot zombies with a bazooka or crossbow (I'm not choosy) make me seem too much like a guy.   Maybe my crass humor and love of  this causes people to think I can just have a physical fling and get over it the next day.

I can’t.

Once again I will say I am not that girl.

I was born the youngest and grew up the only girl in my family.  I am a princess.  I expect my wants and needs to be attended to.  But I at least try to be a considerate monarch and will try to attend to the wants and needs of others as often as I am able.  I just really require a certain amount of attention.  I crave and need it on a pretty much daily basis.

Not the “you are so beautiful” kind of attention.  Not constantly, at least.  Though, once in a while is pretty nice.

I need the kind of attention in which someone talks to me.  Tells me about their day and asks about mine.  Answers my texts or emails.  Shares their life with me.  Communicates about anything at all.

I like to have these things in every relationship I have.  Friendship and otherwise.  I guess I feel closer to people when I am communicating a lot with them, and since a lot of my friends live far away from me now, it has become even more important to me that we communicate.  This year, I’ve even been working harder to be better at it.

In relationships, I have a lot of problems. 

Like the fact that I don’t want one. 

But by “I don’t want one,” I really mean “I don’t want something to be defined as a relationship.”  Other than friendship.  By me, at least.  I want everything else.  I like the safety and trust of monogamy.  I like feeling truly connected to another human being.  I like cuddling.

But the term “relationship” makes me feel trapped.  For now, at least.

I guess I don’t want to be your girlfriend, I just want to monopolize all of your time and be the only one you fuck around with. 

See?  Princess.

The whole attention thing is a really big part of why I can’t do one-night stands.  I need to feel loved and/or cared for.  I need to feel safe.  Because, with all my phobias and anxiety, I know I am never safe.  From anything.  Ever.

When I don’t feel the safety, it’s admittedly exciting.  At first.  Then it just becomes incredibly frustrating.  I like a little danger.  Not constant, crippling fear.*

I’m also (unfortunately) kind of accustomed to guys who are attracted to me falling for me pretty quickly.  So, when it doesn’t happen I start to freak out.  Which is awesome.  Ish.

I try to act like it’s cool when someone doesn’t talk to me for, like, a week.  I try to act as if I haven’t thought of things to message them about almost every day because I like to share stories with people.  But after I don’t get a response to, you know, like, one message, I get all frustrated and stop sending them.  As if maybe it will not go unnoticed that I am not constantly blowing up someone’s phone/email with messages about random shit from my daily life.

I wish I could write a guide to dating me.  If someone was attracted to me, they could get a copy of the guide and read it to see if I am someone they really want to pursue.  Basically, how into quirks they are.  If they don’t want to deal with me, they don’t ask me out.  No one gets hurt.  If they can deal with it, they start talking to me. 

This would solve so many problems.  With the added bonus that I could tell who was actually interested in me.  For once. 

Maybe I’ll write a guide.  I'll call it "The Crazy Bitch Guide," because that's how I'm feeling today.  I’ll never use it, but it would make me feel better.  I think.

It’s crazy and windy out today.  I had to lock the office doors so they would stop blowing open.  I almost couldn’t open the gate because I had to push against the wind.  It’s straight-up INSANITY outside.  Which means I just want to be home on my couch with a fire, a cozy blanket, and a good book.  Or a cuddle buddy.  That sounds excellent.  Though, we should definitely keep listening to the playlist I currently have on with all the Radiohead in it.  Radiohead is perfect for days like today.

Cuddle Buddy, come take a nap with me. 

Whoever and wherever you are.

*Had to note that as soon as I wrote that sentence, “Too Afraid to Love You” by The Black Keys came on my iPod.  Which is on shuffle.  As well as extremely and unnervingly intuitive. 

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