Thursday, March 3, 2011

I Call it BVG.

I would like to take a moment to talk about girl stuff.  

I’m not joking.

Guys are not going to want to read this.  Go away.  No offense, but it's for your own good.

I warned you.


Dear antibiotics and Monistat,

Fuck.  You.  (I bet you can see where this is going right now.)

Also, Eve was an idiot.  I hope whatever it was she ate was the most delicious thing she had ever tasted and it was so good, she could never again taste anything she ate after it.  Because her taste buds were burned off by how unbelievably delicious this “fruit” was.

For the most part, I really like being a woman.  I like wearing dresses and skirts.  I like wearing makeup.  I like feeling pretty.  I like high heels, smelling nice, and buying sexy panties at Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollywood.  I like not getting a boner for absolutely no reason in junior high math class and being called up to the board to solve a problem.

But, really, vaginas are bullshit. 

And ovaries.  Ovaries are bullshit, too.

Men are walking around with their sweaty balls, all, “Waah!  I had an involuntary erection! “ or “My penis is too small, I don’t even know what to do with it!” or “I am useless because I am a premature ejaculator!”  You know, things women pretty much never think about.  Or really care about.  Unless you really don’t know what you’re doing and refuse to take coaching.  Or maybe the premature ejaculation.  I could see that getting old fast.

The setup is pretty wash and dry with guys, too.  They never have to worry about the crazy hotel showerhead that in no way will ever make me feel like my cooch is clean. 

Girls, we can lose stuff in there.  LOSE stuff.  Tampons are bad enough.   Condoms might be the worst thing ever.  To lose, not to use.  (Trojan should hire me to do their slogans.  Seriously.)

And not only do we have to deal with the giving birth, the hormones, the bleeding, the cramps, the bloating, and the general ‘ness of men who will never understand what we are really going through, but we also have to deal with yeast infections.  I didn’t wear cotton underwear with my dress pants a few times a couple years ago, and now every time I have to take antibiotics, one of those sneaky bastards creeps and I have to deal with Monistat.  EVERY TIME.

I am convinced  the reason that you become prone to yeast infections is that they put some kind of time released trigger into the Monistat, ensuring that you will have to purchase more of it in the future. 

Just a thought.

I’m having a bad vagina day.

Maybe I have PMS.  I didn’t take birth control this month, so I really have no idea when I will start my period because I don’t remember exactly when my last one was.  That’s scary.

Is BVG (Bad Vagina Day) a good reason to go home early from work and lay on the couch with hot cocoa and vanilla ice cream while watching Weeds on Netflix?


I think it is.



P.S.  I don't hate men.  In general.  I strongly dislike specific men.  This post was not about hating men.  It was about my vagina being a jerk.

10 comments:

  1. Hahaha!! Touche, Katie, touche. I'm right there with you. No time to stop and smwell the roses with vaginas because half the time those "roses" don't smell so good. Lame.

    This is Sam peterson btw...I just didn't feel like signing in to anything to post this. :)

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  2. Vaginas are the main reason I don't think I could be a lesbian.

    And I don't want to talk about my feelings.

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  3. Vaginas are too gross for me to ever be a lesbian, but I will say Katie, that when it comes to revealing too much information, you and I were meant to be. :P I'm obviously in love with your yeasty cooch. XP

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  4. LMAO - Love it. So very true...bawhaha! I'm making it my mission to use BVG all the time. Everywhere. With everyone. Even when they have no idea what I'm talking about. ESPECIALLY when they have no idea what I'm talking about.

    Wait. Why is it bad vagina day when its acronym is BV-G - Bad...vagina..goldfish? game? gameFOWL? gangreen? gonads? OR IS IT BAD VAGINA GARNISH?! MAYBE?! WINNAH WINNAH?! AM I THE WINNAH?!

    Man. I'm so confused right now.

    Also. I watched a bebe come out of a vagina six months ago - like, full out WATCHED IT ALL. Now THAT'S a bad vagina day. My own hurt. For WEEKS. It still hurts when I think about it. Ew. Why am I thinking about this!? Damn you and your vagina talk!

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  5. @Tiffany- You know what's hilarious? My bio lab last night was about yeast and alcoholic fermentation.

    @DaydreamingFool- I just realized I totally don't know your name. You're sneaky like that, I guess.

    Um... Well... I was on the phone with someone for a work thing and I think I accidentally typed G instead of D, perhaps because they sound similar? I'm kind of glad I did, now, because BVDs are a brand of underwear. I don't want to have to explain that I'm not talking about some guy's drawers. Maybe... Bad Va-Ginaday? Lol that just makes me laugh. Or Bad Vagina Garnish works, too. As long as I don't have to explain it, because I am absolutely positive someone will ask what the garnish is and nothing at all good can come of that.

    That's a bad vagina month. Or year, even.

    Now mine hurts. Stupid vaginas.

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  6. Ugh, I so agree! I hate my vagina about 60% of the time, a big increase from my only 30% hating days back in high school. But the worst are my ovaries. Those little bastards are so covered in cysts that in ultra sounds they look like fluffy clouds instead of smooth little sacks. They make me sick. I want a hysterectomy, stat. Well, not really. But sooner rather than later.

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  7. I suddenly feel like it's a good idea to try making beer in there, even though that's the worst idea I've had all week I'm sure. XD

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  8. If it makes you feel any better, I was thinking that my entire lab.

    @Patty- That's terrible! I hope you're not in a lot of pain or anything.
    I remember hating my vagina a lot less in high school, too. But those were the days in which I could eat cake every day for a week and lose three pounds. There was a lot less hating of everything then.

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  9. The key with antibiotics is that you need to eat yogurt every single day you take them in order not to get a yeast infection, since the antibiotics also kill good bacteria. I get this advice every time I'm prescribed antibiotics.

    This is Ariel. Thought I'd check out your blog.

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  10. Hi, Ariel!

    My mom told me that for a while. I used to take probiotics, too. I just forget now, I guess. Maybe next time I'll remember you said something about it and eat yogurt like I'm supposed to!

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