I would like to take a moment to talk about girl stuff.
I’m not joking.
Guys are not going to want to read this. Go away. No offense, but it's for your own good.
I warned you.
Dear antibiotics and Monistat,
Fuck. You. (I bet you can see where this is going right now.)
Also, Eve was an idiot. I hope whatever it was she ate was the most delicious thing she had ever tasted and it was so good, she could never again taste anything she ate after it. Because her taste buds were burned off by how unbelievably delicious this “fruit” was.
For the most part, I really like being a woman. I like wearing dresses and skirts. I like wearing makeup. I like feeling pretty. I like high heels, smelling nice, and buying sexy panties at Victoria’s Secret or Frederick’s of Hollywood. I like not getting a boner for absolutely no reason in junior high math class and being called up to the board to solve a problem.
But, really, vaginas are bullshit.
And ovaries. Ovaries are bullshit, too.
Men are walking around with their sweaty balls, all, “Waah! I had an involuntary erection! “ or “My penis is too small, I don’t even know what to do with it!” or “I am useless because I am a premature ejaculator!” You know, things women pretty much never think about. Or really care about. Unless you really don’t know what you’re doing and refuse to take coaching. Or maybe the premature ejaculation. I could see that getting old fast.
The setup is pretty wash and dry with guys, too. They never have to worry about the crazy hotel showerhead that in no way will ever make me feel like my cooch is clean.
Girls, we can lose stuff in there. LOSE stuff. Tampons are bad enough. Condoms might be the worst thing ever. To lose, not to use. (Trojan should hire me to do their slogans. Seriously.)
And not only do we have to deal with the giving birth, the hormones, the bleeding, the cramps, the bloating, and the general ‘ness of men who will never understand what we are really going through, but we also have to deal with yeast infections. I didn’t wear cotton underwear with my dress pants a few times a couple years ago, and now every time I have to take antibiotics, one of those sneaky bastards creeps and I have to deal with Monistat. EVERY TIME.
I am convinced the reason that you become prone to yeast infections is that they put some kind of time released trigger into the Monistat, ensuring that you will have to purchase more of it in the future.
Just a thought.
I’m having a bad vagina day.
Maybe I have PMS. I didn’t take birth control this month, so I really have no idea when I will start my period because I don’t remember exactly when my last one was. That’s scary.
Is BVG (Bad Vagina Day) a good reason to go home early from work and lay on the couch with hot cocoa and vanilla ice cream while watching Weeds on Netflix?
I think it is.
P.S. I don't hate men. In general. I strongly dislike specific men. This post was not about hating men. It was about my vagina being a jerk.