Some days I feel like I am losing my mind completely.
I wonder if I might really be a crazy person. I’m cracking up.
I am completely irrational. I do things that I know I shouldn’t just because I want to see what will happen.
I feel myself growing more and more restless. I have a need and desire to do something completely stupid. Maybe to run away. From myself. My life. Something.
I feel as if I should be ashamed, but I’m really not. I think maybe I have no shame left. Nearly.
I actually don't feel like I want or need to escape myself. It's the other parts of my life. School, work, some of the people. The distractions that make life what it really is.
I think it's maybe because the planet itself is so fucked up right now. Maybe it's because I finally saw what I expected to see. Maybe gravity feels like it's pushing me so hard right now because I have no faith left. And I'm too tired to try to push back.
Prostrate and numb. It's kind of perfection.
Unfortunately, it doesn't help me decide what to do.
Fuck.
Ooh, I wrote my first poem in months.
I miss the days when I really liked my poetry. But I'll post it for your benefit anyway, since I know you're curious.
Don't read too much into it. You know who you are. You readers into things.
Cry
my tears like starlight
to the Moon.
In full-orbed forgiveness
she hangs her head
low above me
and the comfort
i usually take
from her bright eyes
and round face
i cannot grasp tonight.
i steel myself away
hiding in a Fortress
of my own devising
built of straw
camouflaged as brick
blown away
in a Puff.
i weep in my hiding place
and lay my heart
gently
on the cool green Earth
to bleed out the Pain
i let myself feel once more.
let the salt of my Tears
heal the wound
i've forged in myself.
