Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Broken Promises.

I never guessed I would be this busy. 

I thought I'd be pretty busy, but I didn't think nearly every minute of my "free time" would be completely consumed with work, homework, friends, or rehearsal.  Don't get me wrong, it's pretty amazing.  But I'm SO tired.  All.  The.  Time.  Not only have I not had time to post, I haven't seen a movie or episode of a tv show since I moved three weeks ago.  I still have the same Netflix dvd I've had since early August.  I haven't read a bit of any of the books I thought I'd get to.  And I have yet to have one weekend during which I'm not up until four AM at least one night.

I guess if this isn't college, I don't know what is.

In all reality, I'm super happy.  I love my house, my roommates, the new people I'm getting to know, (most of) my classes...  I've settled into my life here pretty easily. 

While I hate the town I live in, I love how close it is to cities I like.  I'm two hours (depending on traffic) from Santa Cruz.  I've gotten to see Oose twice already since I moved.  And I'll get to see her again next week when we go see Blue October.

I'm excited about this for multiple reasons.  I get to see Oose.  I get to go to San Francisco with her.  And this will be my first real rock concert of my choosing.  Most of the other concerts I've attended have been classical and/or were with my parents, so they chose who we were going to see. 

I absolutely LOVE Blue October. 

I just find that I'm experiencing a bit of sadness with the happiness and excitement I've been feeling. 

Bambi loved Blue October.  Until last year he was the reason I had most of their music on my iPod.  He is the reason I know almost all of their songs.  They were one of the bands he really wanted to see in concert and he'd never been able to. 

Last year they released Approaching Normal.  I cried the first three times I listened to it, at least.  This year they released Any Man in America.  It was almost as bad.  Particularly this song.  And this song.

I just keep wondering when I'll get over it. When I'll stop randomly crying.  When my heart will stop hurting.  When I'll forget.

Because what I really desperately want is to forget.  It gets so tiring, remembering everything. 

The scary thing is that, tired as I am of being and feeling alone, I almost never want to date again. I really think I would rather die than go through anything like I what I did with him again.  And I'm afraid no one will ever love me or hold my interest that much again.  I'm afraid that maybe I don't want someone else to. 

Maybe part of the problem was that he was supposed to have been the one to take me to a concert like this a long time ago.  Maybe part of the problem is that I always thought he would.  But instead I'm going without him and, for some reason, feeling like it's a way to figuratively wave my middle finger in the air at him.  I know it's not.  And I would want to go to this concert anyway.

I think more than anything it's the change and this Blue October cd, coupled with the Adele cd I got a couple of weeks ago. 

I suppose it's time I tried to put it out of my mind, did some homework/work, crawled into a hole, and died.  Maybe things will seem better in the morning.


  1. Have fun anyway. I'll feel like I had a similar experience if I ever get to see Radiohead live.

  2. Radiohead live would be a-fucking-mazing.

    If you ever do go see them, I'll go with you if you want. I'm totally willing to hold your hand. :D

  3. That definitely sounds like college to me. At least the first few years, anyway. My senior year has been nothing at all like you described. In fact, I'm sort of inspired to write a blog about that-how much changing I have done since this educational journey began.

    Anyway, have fun at the concert, and cry a little if you need to. I fully believe that tears are cleansing every single time they are cried.

  4. Oh, good. The prospect of two years of this coupled with my tendency to fall asleep when sitting still (like I'm forced to do in almost every class) seems like it could potentially be disastrous... That would be a neat blog.

    I'm really hoping I'll have a blast and not think about him the whole time. :/