Wednesday, September 21, 2011

It's Getting Depressing in Here.

One week from today it will have been three years since I did the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life thus far. I left the one man I had ever truly loved alone in our apartment with a hamster named Mimi, an empty closet, and no bed.

I started missing him long before I moved out. That was why I had to leave. The man I loved wasn't there anymore. I saw pieces of him in small chunks of time after I left, but ultimately the monster always came back. From Bambi to Beezlebub, a transition that took mere seconds. If he could have consistently stayed Bambi, I could have stayed in that apartment. With no money and both of us working two jobs. It would have been worth it if I had felt as loved as he said I was.

Ultimately I was too young and he was too impatient and unstable.

Ultimately I ran away, then pulled him to me and pushed him away. For years. Too afraid to be with him, but unable to let him go. In all honestly, I really don't feel I'll ever be able to truly let him go. But it doesn't feel as if whatever was between us was meant for this life.

Three years and my heart is still broken. Three years and I can't listen to certain songs. I can't wear certain clothes. Three years and the sweats I stole when I left are still balled up on the floor next to my bed.

I think those sweats are a testament to the fact that I left my heart with him in that little apartment and I assumed that one day we would be together again. I've reached a point now where I want to get rid of them, but they are the most comfortable sweats I've ever owned. So I keep wearing them. But it makes me a little sad every time I do. They are the only thing I still have from him. Besides the jewelry box.

I keep telling myself he's dead. But I know in my heart he's out in the world, not too far away from me, with someone else who will never love him half as much as I still do. But he's better off with her because we will never be right together.

God, relationships are hard. I almost never want to be in another one again. The only downside is that I am not one to easily indulge in casual sex. I enjoy the feeling that someone wants to be in my company, wants to take care of me and let me take care of him.

I think I'm ready to give up. On so many things I can't even begin to list them.

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