I unpacked my last box yesterday. It was a beautiful thing. Now I just need to find somewhere to recycle the cardboard and take out all the trash bags.
I have a ton of shit.
I never want to move again.
But I will. One day I'm sure I'll be living in a little shit-box apartment in San Francisco or Chicago trying to make a living as an opera choruster.
Or I'll be an accountant.
I'm feeling much better about things. I love my house and my roommates. My room is organized and uncluttered (mostly). I think I'm going to be okay in my classes. My voice lesson times are pinned down and I even have a deal with my roommate that we'll go to the gym together three times per week.
Moving was tough, though.
I hadn't sorted through most of my things since I moved out of my apartment and I had to deal with all those sort of residual feelings that still hadn't been exorcised. Last Monday night I packed and listened to Adele's album 21 for a good three hours at least. I spent much of the time weeping. Music is such a powerful thing and can affect me like nothing else in the world has the ability to do. Sometimes I can relate to it far too well.
I kept finding little things Bambi had given me or I'd saved from the time I was with him while I was unpacking. Most all of it is torn up and/or in the garbage now. The Cork is there where it belongs. I probably should have burned it, but I don't have a barbeque. The clothes are in a bag that I'll be taking to Goodwill soon because they are in good shape and some of them are pretty nice. Plus, poor people can always use sweatshirts.
There's only one item I'm not throwing out.
It's silver and definitely old. When he gave it to me he told me it had been his grandmother's jewelery box. She was the only woman I ever felt he had more love for than me. She was the only woman I think he ever respected.
I can't bring myself to throw it away because it's too nice. I don't feel right giving it to Goodwill yet because it represents a relationship I had with a woman I unfortunately was never able to meet during her lifetime, but who I feel was there with me through many of the terrible things I've experienced in the last few years, especially with him. I would not be the person I am today without her.
However, it was still a gift from him.
So my plans for it look a little like this:
I can blow these up for days and never run out, thanks to the Women's Clinic in Redding and their insistence on giving me a lunch sack full of condoms every time I went to get birth control or a bv check. And this made me happier than using it as a candy dish or q-tip holder.
I feel like I really am finally free. I think that's why it doesn't hurt to get rid of all these things anymore. I just don't want them around because I will get tired of being reminded of him. There is so much more in store for me than wasting my life on someone that... Pointless.
Please excuse me while I take out the rest of my trash.
Out with the old, in with the new mentality.
Oh, and by the way, I'm pretty sure I'm falling in love with my new life.