I've been avoiding sleep lately. As much as I possibly can. Because I've been having stress dreams about Bambi. Which is pretty much what I consider to be a nightmare.
The downside is that I'm still just as stressed out. But more tired and therefore less able to deal with the stress of my life now.
The sad thing is that I'm lonely and having issues dealing with all the accumulated memories I have of him. So I just feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper. And I miss my cat.
I'm afraid my depression is coming back. On the outside (for the most part) I'm happy. But on the inside there's still lingering sadness.
Today was especially hard. I dreamed about him last night. Then I got in trouble with work before eight this morning. Then my roommate asked if I'd be able to give him a ride to work because his bike tire was flat, which I didn't mind but for the fact that it completely reminded me of when I'd get up to take Bambi to work after I got fired from my office job when we lived together. I was too late to make it to the gym because of those two things. Then I couldn't find parking in my usual lot on campus and was therefore late to class.
I feel like I need to cry but I can't.
How is it possible for me to miss someone who treated me so badly?
On a happier note, Blue October with Oose is in two days. At least I have something to look forward to.
It's possible to miss someone who treated you badly. Not only is it possible, but it's difficult to avoid. People wouldn't end up in abusive situations if there was nothing to miss. We all hold on to that little pearl that has long since broken down into sand again.
ReplyDeleteJust continue to hold onto the fact that you have grown a lot since then. We're not perfect creatures. But as long as we learn from what has come before, we can improve from where we were. Where we were was in a place where we allowed others to take advantage of us. And where we are going is towards a place where we can really have control over our own lives.