I've hit a wall.
I'm a rough, unreal, manic mess.
I think I need to cry and I can't even force myself into it for more than a minute. I can't tell if this is preferable to the night a couple of months ago when I couldn't stop crying. Probably not. I might feel better if I could cry myself to sleep. But I can't.
I have so much to do and so little time to do it: three papers, 6 songs memorized, two performances and five rehearsals of Mozart's Requiem, a test, a powerpoint presentation/research project, learn all the music for my piano class, and re-work some of the material in the piece I wrote.
I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm lonely. And I don't like school any more than I did a decade ago; I just have to pay for it now.
Plus I have to worry about how I'm going to pay my bills and pay the ~$2000 for my summer program still.
Sigh. I don't know if I can handle this. But not handling it isn't an option.
Finally, I haven't written about Bambi in a while. I'm trying not to because I realize reading about it over and over again gets tedious. But that is definitely a contributing factor to my current state of mental un-health. I also don't really have time to write for pleasure for at least two more weeks. Maybe I'll be able to deal with everything then.
To sum up that situation I will say this: I wrote a letter to him telling him how I really felt about pretty much everything. He reacted very negatively. We are now no longer talking.
My heart hurts because I am lonely and because I had hoped that one day I would stop losing him. I had hoped that one day he would choose me over something. But that day is never going to come and he will inevitably make me last priority.
My ego hurts because there was a part of me that thought he would always love me. And that was a lie. Pretty much everything about him was a lie.
Pain always seems to come for me when I can hardly handle the rest of my life, let alone bullshit emotions from some stupid situation involving a stupid guy.