Sunday, May 6, 2012


I've hit a wall.

I'm a rough, unreal, manic mess.

I think I need to cry and I can't even force myself into it for more than a minute.  I can't tell if this is preferable to the night a couple of months ago when I couldn't stop crying.  Probably not.  I might feel better if I could cry myself to sleep.  But I can't.

I have so much to do and so little time to do it: three papers, 6 songs memorized, two performances and five rehearsals of Mozart's Requiem, a test, a powerpoint presentation/research project, learn all the music for my piano class, and re-work some of the material in the piece I wrote.

I'm tired.  I'm cranky.  I'm lonely.  And I don't like school any more than I did a decade ago; I just have to pay for it now.

Plus I have to worry about how I'm going to pay my bills and pay the ~$2000 for my summer program still.

Sigh.  I don't know if I can handle this.  But not handling it isn't an option.

Finally, I haven't written about Bambi in a while.  I'm trying not to because I realize reading about it over and over again gets tedious.  But that is definitely a contributing factor to my current state of mental un-health.  I also don't really have time to write for pleasure for at least two more weeks.  Maybe I'll be able to deal with everything then.

To sum up that situation I will say this: I wrote a letter to him telling him how I really felt about pretty much everything.  He reacted very negatively.  We are now no longer talking.

My heart hurts because I am lonely and because I had hoped that one day I would stop losing him.  I had hoped that one day he would choose me over something.  But that day is never going to come and he will inevitably make me last priority.

My ego hurts because there was a part of me that thought he would always love me.  And that was a lie.  Pretty much everything about him was a lie.

Pain always seems to come for me when I can hardly handle the rest of my life, let alone bullshit emotions from some stupid situation involving a stupid guy.


  1. If there's one thing I've learned through observation and experience, it's that true musicians somehow manage to constantly pull off the impossible. I can't help with your avalanche of homework or rehearsals (though I really would love to be in those Requiem rehearsals. Seriously.), but if you need to vent or need a drinking buddy once summer hits, I'm your girl. <3

  2. One day at a time, hon. Try not to think about what needs to be done by the end of the semester, just think about what you can get done today. Put your energy into where it needs to go the most, and just relax for the things that require less mental energy. At the end, you did what you were able to do. To be frank, this is the time when I zone out on all ensemble work, I usually have it so thoroughly memorized by now. The REquiem is a little more weighty though. :P Still, just breathe, and if while doing homework you get into such a tizzy you can't focus, just take a walk to the park, or go get a cup of coffee, or just walk outside at night and look at the moon for a minute, and take a break from your usual surroundings. You might feel like you don't have time, but trust me, if you get even just a few minutes of mental recuperation away from your tasks and the areas where you usually encounter stress, you'll come back to the task feeling much better for it, with a clearer head.

  3. @Lizzie--We had our first rehearsal with the orchestra last night and it was beautiful. However, there are probably at least 140 people on a dinky old set of risers in a theater that didn't seem to have air conditioning turned on. I was surprised when one of the altos fainted. Surprised because it was only one person. I just have to get through the next nine days. Assuming I have money to buy alcohol or even gas over this summer, I would love a drinking buddy. :)

    @Tiffany--I'm having to prioritize and only think about the top priority thing. My biggest problem is that I have a really hard time just sitting and getting stuff done. And it's hard for me to take breaks from a task because I'll never want to go back to it or when I do go back I can't concentrate again.

    1. I know, that happens to me all too often. I was just hoping you had a stronger will than I. <3 Truth is, I couldn't find my own way out of a cardboard box, much less be helpful to someone else. :P

    2. Upside: When you're stuck inside a cardboard box, you're safe inside a fort. :)

    3. And I can attack any fingers and hands that unwittingly go inside of my box labyrinth. :3 I'm thinking like my cat now, apparently. The cat who's too derpy to find his way out of a box.

  4. Also, if it makes you feel any better, it sounds like you're pulling off some pretty herculean stunts as far as juggling workloads are concerned. You're wading through the mucky swamp, and the only way to get to land is either by wading through the muck, or by wrasslin' a gator that you can ride to shore. The point is that both take time and effort, and you have to give fear and anxiety the finger. Then in a couple of weeks you can totally make love to your bed. Um, in the form of sleep. :P Also, we're totally going down to Turdlock this weekend for Carmen!