Thursday, May 17, 2012

Keep Pushing.

So, firstly, I decided I wanted another place to write short stories and whatnot.  Any stories I write in the future will be posted here.

Secondly, this week blows.  This semester has been bad enough.  But this week is not going as fabulously as I'd like it to. Unfortunately, it's not going to get better until after next Wednesday.  Which means I may be drunk next Wednesday night.

Unfortunately, my birthday is this weekend.  I don't think I'm even going to get to celebrate it.  That upsets me because 25 is kind of a big deal to me.  On the other hand, I'm pretty much going to shut down for it, so maybe it's better I don't get to celebrate until after I'm done with all the work for this semester anyway.

Tomorrow I have my voice juries.  Then I have a huge final, as well as a paper due, Friday.  Monday I have a piano final (that I'm not really ready for) and another paper due.  After that I have another huge final due Wednesday and the binder of things I'm supposed to have taken notes on all semester.

I have all these things to take care of and less than a week to do it all in.  That's bad enough.  But on top of it I have the fact that I have negative money right now looming over my head.

I'm doing everything I can not to shut down.

At this point I'm just barely succeeding.

My mom keeps telling me I have to focus on the things I have to finish for school because I need to get good grades and I need to do everything I can to keep my scholarship.

I'm just so scared.  And I no longer have Bambi to help me through anything.  Not that he was always a ton of help when I really needed him.  But he did know how to calm me down.  Somehow.

Now I have to calm myself down.  That's rough.  I've known for a while that I can be a really strong woman.  I just didn't know how strong I would have to be for myself.  And by the way, it really sucks.  I don't want to have to be the strong, independent, lone woman.  It gets old.  Like, daily.  I just have to keep it up because I don't have any other options.

Maybe that's how strength in a person works.  You keep being strong because that's what you have to do to survive.  I always thought I would shut down when it got this bad.  But I'm realizing that I have just enough push to make it to the end, and then I can collapse because I allow myself to.

It's just like jogging.  You know, if I actually jogged.  Well, more than twice every year or so.

Let's face it.  Nachos are better than jogging, anyway.

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