Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Gray Days.

I've been feeling pretty down lately.

I can't pinpoint exactly what the problem is; it could just be PMS.  I think it's more that I'm lonely.

I'm sick of everything my roommates do.  Sick of their complaining.  Sick of complaining about them.  Sick of their dirty dishes.  Sick of their voices.  Sick of them leaving shit in my car.

Actually, I'm sick of my car being dirty.  And not remembering it's dirty until there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm sick of Bambi emailing me.  It's not that I didn't miss talking to him; it's hard to give up talking to the person who knows you best in the whole world.  It's that he has no business telling me he misses me and I'm the one when he doesn't see himself leaving his girlfriend (who hates me and he complains about all the time) anytime in the near future. 

I'm sick of thinking about Bambi.

I'm sick of gaining weight and not going to the gym when I know I should. 

I'm sick of pretending I'm okay.  But I have to pretend because I collapse when I don't. 

I'm sick of school. 

I'm sick of being bitchy and sick of things.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Also, my allergies are awful here.  Like, awful.  I'm on allergy meds 24/7 and my eyes still itch.


  1. Loneliness was the main culprit behind my depression and my lack of success at school in Chicago. I understand and wish there was something I could do to help. All I can say is that I hope you ride it out quickly and get to do something inspirational soon. Maybe a day trip to SF or something that could re-energize the soul.

    Also, in regard to Bambi emailing you... ugh. Fuck him. Not literally, but in the stabby, angry, grrrrr kind of way. Actually, that could be also be interpreted as literal... but anyway. I have also been yanked around by a guy who ruined things with me but then couldn't move on and couldn't let go, and it's just not fair. It's not fair that he gets to have a girlfriend but still keep you intrigued and wondering if maybe it could possibly work out somehow. Fuck him. I heart you.

    1. I was supposed to go to Santa Cruz, or even possibly go home to see my family, this weekend. My voice teacher is even planning a snowshoe trip this weekend that sounds super fun. But instead of letting me enjoy myself my traitor body decided to catch the perma-cold currently cycling the cesspool of the department. So I get to do none of those fun adventure-y things because I have two concerts next week that I have to be healthy for and my recovery has decided to stagnate on bleh for the last two days. :(

      Regarding Bambi, I'm glad he's not dead or anything like that. And I'm genuinely sorry he's unhappy. I just don't know what he expects me to do about it. He's definitely not the only guy jerking me around lately, so I guess I'm either indifferent or used to it at this point. :/ Thanks for your support. I mees you.

  2. :( This makes me sad.
    Girlfriend, how about some prozac? Not that I am calling you a nutcase or anything, but it seriously does help. My husband started taking it when we realized he was stressed/annoyed all the time, and it's done a 360 on his feelings about life.

    Hugs from Chico

  3. I've actually taken Prozac before and it was amazing. I was actually severely depressed during my teen years. I think a big part of the problem now is that I'm getting lonely and I'm tired of being jerked around by stupid boys who want to be my friends but also want to get to see me naked. Also, I'm pretty sure another main contributing factor is the weather. It's rained probably six or seven times since I moved to the central valley. I love the rain. I NEED the rain. There is no rain.

    I'm definitely feeling better than I was when I wrote this, but, believe me, if feelings like that last for more than a couple days at a time I would get help. I'm not the kind of person who shies away from antidepressants; I've personally seen and felt how helpful they can be. :) I appreciate you, miss Patty.

  4. From what I've seen of guys, almost no man will not think of the chance to see you nekkid. But it's more about the kind of patience they display, and still being happy being around you and sticking around even if they don't ever see you nekkid. Those guys are your friends. The guys who are not your friends are the ones who make you feel bad about not being able to see you nekkid. Those you should kick. :}

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