I'm having a study weekend. Two of the three classes I have on Monday are having tests. Then I have to go to my voice lesson.
I have a vocal competition I'm auditioning for Saturday. And a performance March 8 that I am nowhere near ready for.
I'm still just not feeling very inspired this semester. I think a big part of it is that I'm not really working now and I just don't feel like doing anything as a result. Plus, about half of the 17 units of music classes I'm taking this semester are boring as fuck. For instance, I am never going to have a reason to fully analyze the structures of a piece of music. Even if I were great at music theory and felt compelled to find reasons to do it, I probably wouldn't.
Approximately ten units are classes I'm truly interested in and one of those classes is a tremendous amount of work. It might as well be a medical terminology course.
I think above anything else is the fact that I am generally uninspired.
Opera is always inspiring and I love the singing that I do, but beyond that I am finding no motivation. I need something. It just doesn't seem to be there. And some days I just want to lie on the floor in my bedroom and sleep so I don't have to think about anything else.
Most of all, I think the problem is this: I am lonely.
I have wonderful roommates, family, friends, neighbors in my complex; people I can turn to for hugs, cuddling, food-sharing, conversations about feelings (which I have more than I used to, but still not a lot)-- pretty much anything I could possibly need another person for. If I don't want to be alone, I don't have to be. If I want to be with someone else for days or weeks on end, I can do it. Without a problem. But I'm still lonely.
I come home to men who love me every night. I wake up and eat breakfast with them in the morning. Well, I would if I ate breakfast. They sit with me on the couch and we talk about our days, do our homework, sit on our computers and say nothing to each other, or even read. Yesterday Churro and I read together on our respective couches (same book, actually, because he decided he wanted to read It by Stephen King since I was enjoying it so much; now I have to make sure I stay ahead so I can finish it first), then took a nap together.
It's just not the same. It's so close it hurts and most days that's okay for me. Just the last week or so I've been feeling as though I need more.
If I weren't so picky I would probably have it. But I don't want to be with someone I know in my heart isn't right for me.
I've toyed on and off with the idea that I'm just depressed, even though I try to monitor myself for that lest it try to creep up on me again. I've thought about going to student health on campus and checking into antidepressant options. But I don't feel generally depressed. Not like I ever have before, at least.
So what do I do now?
Generally, I don't now. Just keep moving forward seems like the best option.
Today, I will work on notes for my vocal pedagogy class. I will eat another doughnut and probably more cheese. I will practice for a little while. I will read it and fall asleep thinking something is watching me from behind the clothes in my closet.
I will keep seeing his face, hearing his sad voice, in my dreams. I will wake up in the funk created only by strange dreams I can't remember.
I will keep doing what I've been doing. But hopefully better.