Sunday, May 22, 2011

Four Days to Finish.

I keep feeling like my family is basically telling me I'm not important enough to pay attention to. 

Which is stupid, not only because I know that's not the case, but also because I'm 24 fucking years old.  I'm too old to try to demand their time and attention and I shouldn't need their approval for anything.

But I have fucked up so much in my life, I just want to feel like they're proud of me for something. 

Anything. 

Everything.


Okay, obviously I have PMS.  I'm sitting on my bed trying to study biology, but instead of actually studying, I'm crying/blogging while listening to Blue October and drinking.

On the upside, instead of being "raptured" yesterday, I saw three shooting stars.  And I'm not wearing a bra, which always makes everything better.  I'm torn between boycotting them and my fear of having saggy boobs at a young age.

Maybe once finals are over this week I will be capable of removing myself from the Pit of Despair.  Until then, I will be continuing to mix Coke with very strong liquors in my freezy cup and fail at studying.

And maybe I'll come up with a funny story for you again soon.  Because I'm really more anxiety-ridden than depressed and I feel it's important I be more entertaining than a cause for concern.

But that could also be the alcohol talking. 

11 comments:

  1. I to have fucked up my life in some ways. I never left this town, which makes me sad. My educational goals changed, thus I am sort of a failure. There are many like you and believe me just as old. Me being nearly a year older than you. And I feel fat sometimes, I just went up the road tonight to a local convenience store. I picked up a Boston Cream pie and a 2 liter bottle of Dr. Pepper. I had a craving for chocolate. I wish I had someone here to help me eat it, my ass just got fatter in the past hour. I however didn't pick up any alcohol, that would just depress me more. I only like alcohol when girls are involved.

    If only I could go back in time, change majors, move out of this town. Take spanish 2 in high school, have higher hopes, get into the CSU system. Have a job now in LA, and a potential future wife. But there is no time machine. My past wants, dreams and ambitions have come to pass.

    Having once had a myspace account, I used to blog all the time. Looking back on the blogs makes me sad, since most of them were depressing. I eventually deleted them; I wanted them off my record. I still find blogs interesting. Yours are interesting, since they are similar to what I used to blog about. Insecurities of course and usual rants about school.

    I wish you the best. Despite the fact that I may never meet you. I feel that by reading your blogs, I have gained insight into your soul. You are a good person and I like you.

    p.s.
    Don't be depressed about not wearing a bra. Go natural and let those babies fly.

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  2. I think changing educational goals is normal. You’re only a failure if you ultimately don’t follow through with anything. I can’t drink Dr. Pepper because it hurts my stomach for some reason now. But I actually had a Boston Cream Pie as my birthday cake last weekend. We drew penises on it with frosting. It was fabulous. I usually drink socially, but every once in a while I have to do it when I’m alone to take the edge off my anxiety. I have really terrible anxiety and no medication for it. I hate prescription drugs.

    If those are still things you want, why can you not still do them? I really believe it’s never too late to change your education/career goals. The only thing that changes is what you’ll be able to do with them (for instance, if I wait much longer to get my degree, I will be considered too old in the world of young opera singers to be able to audition for a lot of programs I would really like to have the opportunity to audition for). Something like learn Spanish you could still totally do.

    My rants are not just about school… I also like to complain about the poon doctor.  I think blogs are interesting in the same way as memoirs. I love the little intimate details about the lives of others and finding out how similar we tend to be as human beings. Blogging also affords you the ability to meet people pretty much anywhere on the planet and become friends with them, but is less creepy than chatrooms.

    Thank you. You seem like a very nice person and I genuinely appreciate you taking the time to comment on my blog. Though, I must admit I’m totally nosey and your anonymity makes me crazy sometimes because I want to know EVERYTHING.

    It will only make me depressed if they start to get all saggy and sad. I do not want sad boobies.

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  3. Perhaps I have the irrational fear of people in my future reading my past blogs, somehow gaining insight on how I think and feel. Quite honestly after reading my past blogs; I felt sorry for myself. Maybe I liked the attention at the time. That is my only excuse for writing them. If they provided any therapeutic benefits, I am unsure in my circumstance. I am happy to hear that they are so beneficial to you. We are all human indeed.

    Geez someones got wieners on their mind. I could never understand why guys are quite alright talking about masterbation. While girls have the subject sanctioned off as a taboo. Good girls don't masterbate, they say their evening prayers and go straight to bed. No looking up naughty media on the internet. Or for that matter talking with fat middle aged balding men anonymously on the internet.

    Of course you would be wondering who I am. My anonymity makes this fun. I could be anyone, even Ryan Reynolds or Ashton Kutcher. Lean to use your imagination. I am sure the imaginary me looks a whole lot more sexy in general. I will however mention that I am not a total stranger. I may have met you once in 2005, but I am just not sure. Either way we might cross paths, but I highly doubt it. I will let you know. (that was a clue btw)

    Thanks for writing me back. I enjoy reading about you, since you are so real. You say it how it is, you don't have reservations that prevent you from freedom of speech. Your lack of caring what other people think about you, makes you unique. Other people would be far more careful what they post online. Life is short, risks are necessary.

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  4. Some of the blogs I used to write on myspace were like that, too. But typically if they were really depressing and needy-sounding, I would make them private because it's really always been about the catharsis in act of writing for me.

    Maybe that's part of why I've always had an easier time associating with men; I feel like I'm just one of they guys. My close friends are like that, too. No subject is taboo between us. Of course, I feel like no subject is taboo ever. Sometimes, though, even girls who don't consider themselves to be modest find that they don't feel comfortable talking about some things with certain people, or think they'll make others uncomfortable, so they avoid certain topics on conversation. I am not one of those girls. I forget that not everyone is as open as I am.

    I figured you weren't a stranger. I felt more of a sense of familiarity than I do with some of the people who randomly comment. However, you should probably know your clue sucks balls. Also, I got really distracted after you mentioned Ryan Reynolds. But I will figure it out. Eventually.

    The way I blog is the way I talk and the way I speak. If I'm not going to be honest in my writing, why bother at all?

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  5. Believe me, it will take you quite awhile to figure it out, since I could be anyone. My clue was meant to suck balls. I find that if you knew who I was, it might change your impressions of me. People judge based on looks and very rarely on a personal level. At least that has been my experience. Stumbling onto your blog has been a real treat. I really missed reading other blogs, esp. yours since they are actually well written. The ones I used to read on myspace were not always that entertaining. An ex of mine got mad at me for writing a blog about her once. The horrible relationship ended badly. I tried explaining to her that I wrote about my problems, but she obviously overreacted. I eventually got dumped on the internet, then a few days later I see her with some guy in her profile pic. I eventually find out it is some fat guy, she probably met at the gym. Frankly I hope she suffers misfortune in her future, since she screwed me by borrowing money. Yeah I am an a-hole like that, since I wish harm to those who have hurt me. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. You think you can trust people, then you figure out why others have left them in the past. This past misgiving made me angry and bitter for a long time, but I suppose my reaction was normal. I am sure your bad romance stories are far better (worse+ er romances) than mine.

    Your honesty is a good thing. I just hope you don't hold my dishonesty against me, since I am sure it is bugging you not knowing who I am. Oh what a controversy. But I am glad I distracted you with Ryan Reynolds. I bet you will be first in line for "The Green Lantern." Do men in tights give you a boner? :P

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  6. You assume that based on dealings with other people. Do you not want my impressions of you as anonymous to change, or those as a concrete person? It is more likely that you would become an amalgam of this person and the person I’ve actually met. If you’re more comfortable being anonymous, though, so be it. I am not one to try to force others into change.

    I had someone stop talking to me over something I wrote that only they and two of my closest friends could read. It was retarded. I think for most people it’s only natural to hope bad things happen to those who we feel have wronged us, especially where money is concerned. Being a little bit of a dick is kind of normal. And I wouldn’t necessarily say they’re better, but I’ve got a couple good ones.

    Not first in line; I have work. But I’m definitely going. Men in tights do not give me a boner, though I do love a young Carey Elwes. Ryan Reynolds gives me a boner. In everything. I’m a sucker for fabulous abs. Even if most of them are CGI.

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  7. I might change in the future, but being anonymous has a sense of mystery about it. Like when you watch a physically messed up VHS tape or listen to a story on the radio. You fill in the blanks with your imagination.

    But you are right, I would become a mix of both online and offline personas. However, I begin to wonder if the online versions of ourselves are fake. The offline me isn't nearly as eloquent, since I don't have as much free time to formulate responses in my head. One lesson I have learned about online text is that no one can stand up for what they say. Whether there is emphasis on emotion or anger or sarcasm, no one can tell online. And even if they can tell the difference, they can misinterpret occasionally causing the very problem. Even my tone right now might be considered preachy or negative, but you wouldn't know that because you can only imagine the tone in your mind. And it wasn't meant to have any tone. I am just proving a point.

    In the future, I will continue to respond and comment on your blogs if you'd like that. Your life stories bring laughter and tears to reader's eyes. Tears of laughter. ;)

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  8. My friend just pointed out that I must sound like a creep. They are probably right and that wasn't my intention. Luckily summer school starts soon, so I will have something to keep my mind occupied. Rather than hitting it off on the internet with total strangers. One realization is that I think too much and I over think social situations. I need to stop thinking.

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  9. I have no real problem with your anonymity, other than my own personal curiosity. If it makes you more comfortable, by all means keep it up as long as you need to.

    I tend to rely heavily on word choice and emoticons because of that issue. Since I text and email so much, I've gotten pretty good at dealing with tone of voice in writing. I think my online persona is more real than my offline persona, though.

    Thanks. I like having comments to read. :)




    It wasn't too creepy... Until you pointed out that it was creepy. Good work, Stranger Danger.

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  10. haha! @ Stranger Danger. I will turn down the creep factor. :P

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