Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Closure.

Once upon a time...

I wore a ring for you.

For us.  For our future.

I never took it off.

Even after I left, I still wore it for a while to remind myself.  Eventually, I changed to another ring.  One just as special, but one you did not give me.

I wore it every day.  Trying to tell myself we'd end up together.  I used it to deter other men because I wasn't interested in anyone but you. 

When I started to let go of our relationship, I moved the ring over to my other hand.  I had lost enough weight that it fit my right hand better, anyway.  I wore it every day for nearly a year. 

It was still a reminder.  A reminder of everything we went through.  Of the feelings I knew I'd always have for you.

A reminder of the fact that I was still not over you.  That my broken heart still ached. 

Yesterday, I bought a new ring. 

No one gave it to me.  No one gives it power but me.  No one gives it symbolism but me.  And the symbolism I give it reminds me I am stronger than you ever gave me credit for.

Yesterday, I put away my last real reminder.

Today, I wear a new reminder.  A reminder of the fact that you will never again have any power over me.  A reminder that I am the person I want to be.

I am strong and capable. 

I am beautiful and caring.

And you control no part of my life.

Yesterday, I bought a new ring. 

It reminds me that I have learned to love myself more than you were ever capable of loving me.

And in it, I carry all the little pieces of my heart.



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3 comments:

  1. So I assume you cast the last old reminder (the old ring) into the fires of Mt. Doom? Did you toss it into the Ocean never to be seen again? The symbolism of the ring could mean that you were nearly engaged. Or possibly engaged, I have no idea since I don't know you. Your heart aches whenever you think of him, but your mind tells you to move on. You are most likely writing this blog to convenience yourself that you have indeed moved on. You wouldn't be writing this blog if you were emotionally fine... love hurts. The act of blogging has therapeutic benefits for you. You are a skilled blogger. Perhaps the weather has got you down. Don't be depressed, you are both beautiful and talented. Your ex-lover is missing out on an intriguing individual. I hope you feel better soon. Moving on will make you stronger. Nice (new) ring.

    P.S.
    The comments on the last blog were removed. I hope I didn't cause any offense (to anyone).

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  2. @Paul- Thanks. :)

    @Anonymous- No... The other ring was a very expensive and very perfect gift from my dad many years ago. It's going back to its former (and proper) place in my jewelry box until I need it for a special occasion. I'm reverting it to its former symbolism, more or less.

    My heart is sad sometimes when I think of him because I pity him. He really fucked up his life. He almost completely fucked up mine. Which is why I don't always feel sad. I was engaged to him. Twice. Over the course of those two engagements, I lost enough weight that I had the first ring re-sized and it was too big three months later. The second ring was too big after about a month and I just decided not to bother with sizing. The first ring is now destroyed and the second one was never as special to me. I thought that wearing the fancy ring my dad gave me would be symbolism for me that I was getting over him, but it ended up twisting into something different and less desirable.

    I never, ever write to convince myself of anything. I write to sort out my thoughts and feelings because I am incapable of expressing them otherwise. However, I also never said I was emotionally fine. I wasn't depressed or anything like that. It was just an odd sensation to realize I was not only ready to move on, but that I had already been doing so. I blogged on it to sort through my feelings on the matter... And to show off my ring. Thanks, by the way. :)

    And finally, you didn't offend anyone... That I know of, at least. It was just a touchy subject and I was still pretty upset about it. I decided to talk to my friend about it instead of airing too much of our dirty laundry over the internet. The whole thing ended up being a giant messy misunderstanding anyway.

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