Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Potty Training

I'm supposed to be working on the outline for a speech about my pet peeves right now.  But I'm not.

In my defense, I did some of it.  It's just that it's soo boooring.  Also, I can only use up to three pet peeves.  How is that fair?

I mean, I hate everything.

For instance, I hate public bathrooms.  Unless I'm on the road or in a place with limited options, I have predetermined places I am willing to use the toilet.  Top of the list?  Macy's.  I will NOT go into a gas station bathroom in my own town.  Because I can go to Macy's.  It's cleaner, I can look at shoes on the way out, and I don't have to deal with the gas station attendant staring at me like I'm stealing because I don't need gas and I don't want to have to buy a Kit-Kat in order to take a piss.  I will go to the mall to pee in Macy's. 

If I'm already at the mall, my second option is Payless because I used to work there and they let me use the employee bathroom still.  It's a one-room-er. Which is nice because I don't have to wonder about the weirdo who doesn't know the rules about picking stalls in an un-crowded public bathroom and who I am convinced wants to steal my shoes and listen to me pee.

As far as I'm concerned, there is nowhere else to pee in the mall.  NOWHERE.

And yes, I am aware there are public bathrooms in the mall.  That area is more like a vortex in the corner of the food court.  I will acknowledge its general existence, but I don't want to go over there and get stuck in it.

Other places I will pee include certain sit-down restaurants.  Where I live, I will use the bathroom at Cool Hand Luke's, Casa Ramos, and Yuet Bistro.  Steakhouse, Mexican, and Chinese.  At least I don't discriminate!

If absolutely necessary, I will use the toilet in TJ Maxx or Barnes and Noble.  TJ Maxx is just creepy because you have to wander back into the stockroom to get to it and I feel weird going through doors that are marked “Employees Only” when I am very much aware I am not an employee.  I wish I could say I was really okay with the Barnes and Noble bathroom.  But I'm not.  I'll use it if I'm going to pee my pants or I can't get to Macy's anytime soon.  Otherwise, it's too damp. 

As you can see, this is a rather short list of places to pee. 

I will go at the movie theater sometimes because I just can't hold it anymore and want to enjoy my movie instead of squirming.  Wal-Mart?  Fuck.  No.  Target?  Never even considered it.  Something about having to wander past the snack area to get there freaks me the hell out.  Fast food restaurants are also a no, unless in cases of emergency. 

Pooping is not an option in public toilets.  I like to pretend I don't do it, so I would most definitely need some privacy if it was something I were going to do.  If I feel as if I may have a bathroom emergency, I will try to gauge whether or not I think I can make it home, then pray for the 12 minute drive from town to my house that I don't shit myself.

Not that I could do that, since I don't do that.

I lucked out at my job because there are only two people, including me, who are regularly in the office.  There are only a couple other people who use the bathroom there.  And I am the one who cleans it.  So I know how clean it is (the toilet is pristine, btw) and whose ass has touched the seat. I'm not in to sharing cooties with strangers.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is anymore.

Except, if you ever need to know a safe place to take a piss, you know who to ask.


  1. I've had to pray before during the drive from work to home because once I leave a building I will not go back inside to use the bathroom. I don't know why. Something about my general laziness overruling bodily functions.

  2. I do the same thing.
    The best is when you're having an emergency and someone else is in the shower.

  3. LOL

    Now I"m really glad that I have what sometimes seems like the worlds largest bladder. But makes me REALLY scared for if I ever am pregnant..LOL

    Oh man. Just reading this made me have to pee..oh dear.

  4. Lol Hopefully you're not stealing internet from Dairy Queen?

    Maybe astronaut underwear are super absorbent... They should definitely market pregnancy panties.

  5. Katie, I have had a shower emergency as well at my husband's house. I ended up crouching behind the garbage cans in his backyard and peeing while he dog stared me in the face. It was awful, yet hilarious.

  6. OMG that is so FUNNY!

    I have this irrational fear that other people are like pet whisperers or something, so I personally would have freaked out for the rest of the day, like, "what if his dog told him it saw me take a leak in the yard and now he's going to think I'm a freaking weirdo even though he's the weirdo talking to his dog." OR maybe now the dog is going to be all pissed at me because I got my smell all up in his yard.