Sunday, April 1, 2012

Two Days... I Can Do That.

I'm heading home the day after tomorrow.  Thank God.

As if this semester hasn't been hard enough on me, there's that thing with Bambi.

It's like he can tell when I'm just about to let go, then he tries to contact me.  Maybe that really is what happens.  I can't know what his thought process is.

I responded to him initially because I was curious.  I wanted to know why he would even attempt to talk to me.  I wanted to know what was wrong with him that he thought I was going to fix.

At first he just missed me.  And he was not at all happy with his girlfriend.  He's still not.  He's constantly talking about leaving her and he never does. 

He'll say he's leaving her and not coming back, then realize that he hates staying with his mom, that he has no money and really no one else to stay with, and that she technically owes him money.  Then he'll go back. 

He's still an alcoholic.  He still sometimes lies to me for no reason, then tells me the truth later.  The scary part is that he seems to eventually come clean to me but he is in general more honest with me than the person he's dating. 

She doesn't want him to talk to me because she's afraid he's still in love with me and that I'm going to take him away.  If I were willing to support him the way that she does and had the funds to do so, he probably would leave her for me.  But that's not a path I'm really willing to go down. 

Because she hates me (and, to be fair, she has some good reasons to; she just doesn't know about them) he hides that he talks to me.  He texts me almost every day and lies to her about it.  He even still tells me he loves me. 

Apparently he has my number entered in his phone under the name of one of his old girlfriends.  Oddly enough, it's the girlfriend he used to bitch to about his feelings when we were together.  The more I think about it, the more aware I become of the fact that this is not a space I'm willing to fill in his life.

I do not give a rat's ass about his worthless lowlife piece of shit girlfriend.  I do not care about her family.  I do not care about their weed trade.  And I do not care about her stupid birds.

Birds are not real pets.  Birds can be adorable.  But it's like having a less cool flying version of a Velociraptor as a pet. 

I am sick of being the person he calls every time they fight.  Which is pretty often. 

I kept talking to him because I missed being friends with him.  He knows pretty much everything there is to know about me and he really understands me, which is a blessing and a curse.  He knows how to make me feel better when I'm upset and encourage me when I'm feeling discouraged.

But I just can't do this.  I shouldn't have to deal with this fucked up situation.  So I'm extricating myself from it.

There's your drama for the week.  You know I'm always good for it.

In other news, I finally took the time to clean and do all my laundry yesterday.  My room hasn't looked this good in months and I think it really is helping my mental state not to have so much mess around me.  Also, it rained yesterday.  I'm sure that helped as well. 

Lastly, I'm planning on doing a summer program (for voice) in Alaska this year.  I'm really excited about it.  I have to make a recording of a few songs to send to them for my audition, though.  I plan to upload them to soundcloud or something like that and just give them the links.  Perhaps I'll post them here, as well, and then those who are curious (mainly Patty) will have the opportunity to hear what I sound like.

This will also present me with the opportunity to go to Alaska.  And I am stoked about that.  You know, as long as I can acquire the money to actually do it.

I may have to rob some people.

Don't tell anyone.


  1. Omg, I can't wait to hear you sing, and I also am so stoked you might go to Alaska! That's awesome, I totally hope you get it!!

    Bambi. God. What is there to say, really? Except you deserve better, but you already know that.

    Enjoy your time back home. Seriously.

    1. Thanks! It would be great if I could get a scholarship for the program because I don't really want to have to pay the almost $700 for the program, plus airfare and the cost of housing for two weeks.

      Yup. Bambi. Bambi who always has to beat me to the punch lest he be the one to get hurt. I deserve a million times better than what all of the guys who are apparently attracted to me (and I guess ballsy enough to do anything about it) could hope to be. That's not true. I'm apparently just only attracted to guys that treat me like shit.

      Thank you. I'm going to try.

  2. Yup women are always attracted to guys who treat them like shit. That is why you are still talking about him. He sounds perfect for you, you need to get back together with precious metal or what you like to call the abandoned Disney woodland creature "Bambi." I mean what can I say? You are always mentioning him, thus you are clearly still in love with him. Do yourself a favor and end your agony by taking him back. If not, I sincerely hope you are not still talking about him at age 30; you'd miss out on so much of life.

    I have nothing to gain by commenting, so I hope you can appreciate my brutal honesty.

    1. Aw... You have an opinion! Good for you!

  3. Goodness, I wish I had the money to do any sort of voice program this summer...I should rob some people too. >.> And honey, the future is, and will always be up to you, and from the first time you talked about this guy I had hoped you didn't intend to form a new/old relationship with this guy, but I know it's not my place to say anything so I always tried to hold my tongue. :P Plus, whenever I have to make a difficult decision, the last thing I want is friends and family haranguing me about what I should or shouldn't do.

    1. I do not have the money. Unfortunately, I don't have the option of not doing one because I'm old (for a soprano) and Wiggett won't take "I can't afford it" as a legitimate answer.

      You know... I will always love him. I can't help that. And I wouldn't feel like you were haranguing me; I welcome the opinions of friends and family, even though I will ultimately decide for myself anyway. I think it's more about showing someone you care than telling them what to do. The opinions of random people I don't know, especially when they quite obviously are full of judgment and bad attitude, tend to go in one ear and out the other rather than provoke thought. But you, specifically, should have no qualms about telling me what you feel. I respect you and your judgment enough to listen.

      That being said, I honestly don't know what's going to happen with Bambi. And I mean that in a general his life involving mine sort of way. In order for me to even consider just dating him again he would have to show me that he had dramatically changed in a few key ways. Namely, his alcoholism would need to be under control and he would have to show respect for me. If he doesn't like or respect himself enough to drink less and he doesn't treat me incredibly well, I have no business being with him. I have no business being with anyone who doesn't meet those basic criteria. No one in my life wants me to even talk to him at this point and I can't blame them. It's a very complicated situation and I really don't expect anyone to even understand why I still care about him.

      I guess maybe I'm not as much of a bitch as I seem...