I think being back in Shasta County, surrounded by snow-capped mountains and grass and trees, is helping to clear my mind.
Maybe it's not just that.
I'm at day four of working alone in my office. I haven't had time all to myself in what seems like forever. I feel as if I have several months worth of bullshit corrupting all of my thoughts and now the smoke in my mind is finally starting to clear.
In short, I needed spring break in a desperate sort of way.
This visit home has been pretty reaffirming. I've really been questioning my choice to remain a music major this semester. My university gave me a good scholarship to come sing for them and it really doesn't feel as though they've been trying to utilize me at all. So even though they obviously think I have a lot of potential, I don't understand why the powers that be seem to have no interest in showing me off, so to speak.
I've felt as though I'm backtracking and not going anywhere because of the treatment I receive at school, despite the knowledge that I am improving (even if it is gradually).
But this visit home I had a good talk with some of my old teachers in the area about my musicianship and the progress I've made in the last year.
Then my dad made me sing for my grandma when we visited her in the assisted living facility yesterday. And the people sitting out on the patio enjoyed it so much they asked me to sing again before I left. The person who really put the pressure on me wasn't even an older person. It was a guy probably in his early 40's with really terrible pain.
Having a random group of people respond that positively to my singing negated many of the negative thoughts I've been having lately. That and the number of people in the last two or three days who have told me they have no doubt how successful I'll be.
That's the kind of thing that makes me want to work even harder. It makes me want to build success upon success. It makes me want to sing this to excruciating perfection. Then shove it in my voice teacher's face and make him eat it.