Friday, April 6, 2012

Ultimately Unprepared.

Yay!  It's another menstruation story!  Bleeding is fun and not painful at all!


I knew I was going to start my period sometime near the first of the month.  That's when it always is.  And my period doesn't change to accommodate the periods of those I spend a lot of time with.  It drags others in and enslaves them.

My period is like the Athena of menstruation.  My hormones will battle yours.  And they will fucking win, dammit!

I actually had a conversation about this with one of my good friends recently. 

Rita--  "Curse you and your stupid contagious period issues...  I've never had cramps or mood swings before I started hanging out with you all the time!  Lol."

Me--  "I'm sorry!  My period is probably forcing yours closer to it, too.  It does that."

Rita--  "You're like a giant star, sucking in everything nearby and forcing it to follow you."

Can't argue with that logic.

So, you would think that, armed with the knowledge of my own personal impending massacre, I would have had the foresight to pack more than five pads when I left home for my parents'.  I mean, I have a two-pack of Always overnights from Costco (that's seriously like 80 pads).  But no.  Five pads.  No tampons.  Not that I'm even sure I have tampons at home right now.

I really just can't be bothered to be on top of anything at this point in my semester.  I'm lucky I'm still remembering to wear fresh underwear each day.

At least, I think I am.  I'm not always super clear on which day it is.  Or how long I've been awake.

Anywho, five pads.  By the time I left my office today I had already used four.  Which meant I had a choice.  The choice between buying more at Wal-Mart or Target.

My deciding factor in this choice was actually the knowledge that Target rarely has more than two lanes open in Redding when I go to check out.  So I'd have to stand in line with my period kit for, like, six days.  Wal-Mart I would have to wade through a sea of people to get to the lady diaper aisle, but then I could just sneak back to the garden center and avoid at least four days of waiting in line.

So that's what I did.

The downside was that Wal-Mart was out of the specific tampons I use.  Apparently they're popular.  I could get unscented Playtex Gentle Glides in a pack of multiple sizes (but I'd never use the regular ones) or I could get a package of unscented regular sized ones (again, same problem), or I could get the super size (yay!) in fresh scent (boo!). 

I have a problem with the concept of shoving something that smells like baby powder up my cooch and letting it hang out in there for a couple hours.  Not only are my lady parts super sensitive, so I'm pretty sure I'd have some pretty undesirable results, but my vagina is also not stinky.  Thank you very much. 

When I can't get a product I like I usually end up buying several other brands/types and either finding another one I like or realizing I hate every other product that was even an inkling of an idea and that's why I use the one I do.  This is currently happening with mascara because the brand I used to use changed the formula to my favorite mascara ever and turned it into useless bullshit.  So now I can't find another mascara I like as much (and am not allergic to...  Thanks, Cover Girl...) but I also can't go back to my old one because it really doesn't exist anymore.

Since I can't get the tampons I like (at least not without them being soaked in a vat of Febreze), I got two new ones to try.  We'll see if I hate them by tomorrow night. 

I also got pantyliners.  Except that by the time I got to the pantyliners I was ready to come home and fall asleep over my steering wheel in the driveway, so I didn't pay enough attention and accidentally got scented ones.  At least they won't be inside me, I guess. 

I'm actually really irritated with myself that I was so tired.  I really desperately wanted to troll some unsuspecting male cashier.  As it was I just bought two boxes of tampons, some pads, pantyliners and a pair of pantyhose.  Had I been more awake I would have purchased a few additional items.  Namely delicious Easter chocolate (Easter has some of the very best holiday candies), Hanes old lady briefs, a package of baby wipes, some milk, and cat food.

God, that would have made me ridiculously happy.

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