I feel like I'm close to having a slight mental breakdown.
My mom asked me today if I'm starting to feel burnt out or run down.
I tried to explain a little without actually telling her I can barely hold myself together right now.
The funny thing is that I feel more like myself than I have in a very, very long time. I feel fairly comfortable in my skin. And my mind. After I really started analyzing myself and trying to work to become my true self again I felt just very slightly off, even on my most amazing and happy days.
Lately, I no longer feel that way.
Maybe it's because I've finally accepted that alcohol is not directly what hurt me in the past and it will not hurt me in the future. It was the person misusing the alcohol and, as he is no longer in my life, there is nothing wrong with having a cosmopolitan on Easter. Especially if it helps get me through the more stressful stages of my social anxiety.
I've also started to be honest with my close friends and myself about something I had never talked about before. I think that's really helped. Now I don't feel as if there are two parts of me that don't overlap exactly right. I feel like all my edges fit together.
Which is great. Because I am realizing how awesome I am. I'm totally fun. As long as I can mellow out a little. At least, I think I'm fun. If you don't think I am, don't tell me. I'm the one who has to hang out with me all the time and I crack myself up.
Despite feeling like I am finally truly being myself, I am crazy stressed out right now.
I feel like I'm burying myself in homework and never taking the time to do it. I can't get to bed on time, so I'm constantly super tired. And, to top of the stress and lack of sleep I'm already dealing with, I have PMS this week. It's my first period on a new birth control pill. One that I took when I was 20, but not since and I'm apparently reacting very differently to it now than I did then.
The worst part is I've been gassy and bloated for at least a week. It's uncomfortable.
It makes me not want to get pregnant.
That, and I like my vagina and breasts the way they are now. All mostly firm and tight. Not ripped and stretched by miniature life forms and the nutrients that feed them.
Maybe I just need a nap.
Naps are good.