Cats, Man. Cats.

Let me just start this out by saying I am poor.  Like, very poor.  Literally college student poor.

Last Friday I woke up to the sound of my carpet being scratched in an area of my room my cats never scratch.  

I wasn't wearing my glasses, but I sat up to yell at Sammy, who was doing the scratching.  Then I saw he was trying to use the invisible litter that comes out of the carpet to cover up...  Something.

Something stinky.

So I put my glasses on, got paper towels, a bag, and some Lysol, and went to work.  All the while trying not to gag.  

Then I realized there was a liquid portion to the goop that could only be blood.  Lots o'blood.  Sammy had been acting pretty normally and I hadn't found blood in his stool before, but I could tell he still felt a little shitty.  So I found a vet in town and took him over.  

$88 later I was sent home with what I'm pretty sure is children's amoxicillin (because I had to take that as a kid and it looks and smells exactly the same as I remember) and something to make his tummy less bloated and gassy.  

Cats are expensive.  

I am now more poor.

But my kitten feels better.  So...  Worth it.

Does That Make Me Crazy?

Today I learned something important: my boyfriend needs to put a password lock on his computer.

Why he does not have one I don't know.  What I do know is that I am insane and lack self-control.

You see, he left his computer at my house and didn't have a chance to come back to get it tonight.  So I came upstairs at three AM and thought it would be fun to play with it (it's technically a tablet with keyboard attachment and I like the big touch screens; I can't help it).  But then I was all, "Oh, look!  He has a Facebook app on here!  Just clicking it won't be a terrible idea because he totally won't be signed in.  I meant, why would nothing be protected, just in case?  He leaves his shit everywhere all the time and never gets fraped.  It'll be fine!"

I was wrong.  On every single count (except the part where I said he leaves his shit everywhere; that was right).

No password.

My first mistake was not exiting the app immediately.  My second was deciding to take a "quick peek" at his messages.  You know, to see who he's been messaging.  Over the course of the last year.  With a vagina.  And pinpoint when he was talking to those sluts girls and how much he was talking to me at the time.

I am legitimately insane.  I know.

I managed to only look at one.  And it was the one whose name I wasn't familiar with, who he had messaged the most recently, and who I thought for some reason he was least likely to have fooled around with.

Now I have to figure out how to tell him all of this, as well as try not to be upset with him at all because it's not his fault I can't control myself and he really didn't do anything wrong.  Except not tell me when he hung out with her last.  Or mention her to me at all.  Not that he really tried to hide it, but he never mentioned one word about her existence and it's as if them hanging out could have not happened at all.

I realize I can trust him and he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, but there is still a part of me (the crazy part) that is kind of looking for a reason to leave him.

He makes me too happy and that scares me.  It's like I think I don't deserve how good he is to me.

It's that same crazy part that wonders what else he could not be telling me.  What he's doing when I don't hear from him for six hours and he's not at work.

What he's going to do that will break my heart.

And I don't know how I can make that not happen and still be with him.  So I have to trust him.  But now I feel like I can't.  And it's my fault because I did something I knew the whole time I shouldn't have been doing.

Crap.

Here, Kitty Kitty.

I have two cats.

One is Hunter, my adorable and amazing four year-old orange angora/tabby mix.  The other is the newb; Sammy.  He is a 5-ish month old black shorthair.  Hunter is neutered.  Sammy is going to be neutered as soon as I figure out which vet I want to take him to.

Since he's indoor only and my other cat is also male, I'm not super concerned about his siring capabilities.  It's more that I am freaking sick of watching him clean his damn balls.  I feel like every time I look at him it's ball-cleaning time.  If these things were silver they would be so polished that they would blind you at the slightest hint of light or reflection.

Also, I never want to see his penis again.  Cat penises are weird and gross and should be kept put away at all times.

I feel bad for neutering him.  But it's not as if it will change his life that radically.  I'll just save him about sixteen hours of ball-cleaning each day.

Of my two cats, one likes to shit in places that are not his litter box when he gets upset with me.  For instance, this month's prime shitting grounds are apparently the nest my roommate likes to keep on the floor of the living room for napping.  Blankets wadded up on the floor are a guaranteed cat shit minefield in my house.

The other cat has issues with aim in the litter box.  Therefore, I go to clean it and not only does he hover the whole time so that he can make sure to get in the box as soon as I'm done and make a big stinky something to share with everyone in the house, but he also ends up getting it on the side of the box.  Without fail.  At least once every two days.  I just don't know what his butt is doing that high while he's pooping.

Once he was having spastic colon issues (I think) and he got it on the wall next to the litter box.  Seriously, aren't cats supposed to be more obsessive compulsive than that?  How does this happen?

I can't even put the lid on the litter box because for some ungodly reason Hunter cannot pee with the lid on the box.  Apparently all those walls make it difficult to perch with all four feet on the edge of the box and his tail helping him balance his butt over the litter.  Yet he is not the one who craps on the wall.

Cats are disturbing and make no sense.  But they are also soft and like to snuggle me after I fall asleep, so it kind of makes up for it.

Though, now that I'm thinking about it, they probably are just snuggling me to make sure I'm still alive.  They're just biding their time until I die and they can eat my face.




Now there are cats fighting in the middle of my complex.  My little soldiers are going to protect me from the windowsill.  Cat fight noises creep me out.

Empty Bed Syndrome.

I got everything almost ready to write a post and then couldn't find my headphones.  No iPod = no personal bubble in which to write.  I finally found some headphones (not my regular ones; I think they might be in my car) and now I've kind of forgotten the outline I had started in my head for this post.

Awesome.

 I went to a Halloween party Friday night.  It was the first party since March that I've attended without Oose, so that was weird.  I didn't particularly like going without her, but she was pretty sick and she had an important weekend ahead of her, so it was better that she didn't come.

Before it was even a little bit of an option for Oose to come (obviously prior to her illness) I had invited the Boy to come with me and he pretty much said no because he wasn't sure he could handle being around some of the people that would be there.  He ended up surprising me and coming anyway.

He must really like me or something.

The next day, in accordance with our traditional day-after-party custom, my household got up and went to brunch.  I almost didn't go because it was pretty evident that the Boy wasn't getting up for anything, but I decided to leave him in bed.  When I came back with beignets two hours later he was still asleep.  My other guests left and I was able to spend an entire afternoon snuggling and talking with him, which is something I've wanted for weeks.

On top of having a nearly perfect night, morning after, and afternoon, the weather outside was pretty much perfect.

After I spent the weekend of my last post freaking out a little bit, I was somehow able to talk to him about it.  When he sat me down everything just came pouring out and I realized I was never going to be able to hide anything from him.  I didn't feel any better that night, but when I woke up the next morning everything was different.  I was okay.

I realized it's good that I'll never be able to hide anything from him.  I never want to hide anything.  He makes me feel like I'm safe with him.

I'm in such a weird place of happiness and general contentment.  All these feelings are super foreign to me, but that's okay.

He's never mad at me, even when I'm two hours later than I said I would be.  He never makes me feel like a child.  He doesn't mind that I always want him to drive; in fact, I think he kind of likes that.  He wants me to spend time with my friends.  He respects me.  He teases me and loves that I tease him back.  He trusts me and I can trust him.

For now he is still my lover and one of my best friends.  And that's okay.  For now.

I am only mildly irritated that he decided to show up and get me all used to him right after I realized I was used to sleeping alone.  Sleeping alone super sucks once more.

On a different note, I've noticed lately that I'm not homesick, but I miss my family like crazy.  Part of the reason might be that I was really looking forward to them finally visiting me for my recital (they visited once together and it was in August so my brother and dad could work on my car) and my recital has officially been postponed until February.  Now I might not see them until Thanksgiving and that's hard.  In part just because I like spending time with them and in part because they might not come visit me.  There are a lot of things I've been waiting for over a year to share with my parents.

I know this is definitely not the case, but that almost makes me feel like they don't support me or they don't care as much about the portions of my life that don't relate directly to them.  Especially my dad.  I know my mom would visit, but she would want him to come with her.

It's just really frustrating.

I think a big part of my current feelings is the fact that my mom is so close to me and I feel like we've barely talked because she's been so busy.  I worry about her a lot.  Plus, I want to share how happy I am with her and I can't because I've barely talked to her in about a month.  I miss her as my friend.

I really need to work on writing more often.  It's already been two weeks since my last post...

Falling Away.

I love that my pillows smell like his cologne after he leaves.  I love that he makes me smile almost constantly. I love that I don't compare him to my ex incessantly.  And I love that, on the infrequent occasions that I do, he is always obviously the superior choice.

These things and so many more or why I have to take time every day to talk myself out of running away from him.

I haven't felt like this about someone in years.  If I am truly honest, I'm not sure I've felt this way about someone ever.  I've definitely never been this open and honest with a man.  I can easily talk to him about any of the things I talk to Oose about.

 And I am so fucking scared I can barely keep myself in check.

It's a cycle of paranoia, really.  I freak out, then I have to talk to him about it so I don't freak out anymore.  But the next day I freak out because I talked to him about it and I apparently can't handle having this much trust and intimacy with a man.  Not another person, because I have an incredible amount of both of those things with several friends, especially with Oose.  But specifically with a man.

A man I have feelings for and am afraid to really give myself to because there is no guarantee he won't hurt me.

I shouldn't have to try this hard not to sabotage things with someone I really want to be with.  I shouldn't have to force myself to relax about the fact that we've only been casually seeing each other for a month and I don't know how to tell him I don't want him to see anyone else.

Not that I think he actually is seeing someone else.

Again, paranoia.

I also have to figure out how to deal with the idea that I deserve someone this...  Wonderful.  I've spent years thinking I was going to end up with Sterling and just hoping he would treat me better, all the while knowing he never would.

It's much more difficult than I thought it would be to handle someone who isn't phased when I don't answer his texts for three hours or is totally cool with me having to put my studies first (always) and my friends first (sometimes).  Someone who just accepts me as a crazy, erratic, fickle dork and still likes me.  Someone who treats me well and that I'm still attracted to.  Someone Oose actually likes and approves of.

I think my subconscious thinks he's either not real or too good to be true and wants me to get out now before he really hurts me.  But I can't make myself run away, either.

So, I'll keep forcing myself to stay until I'm no longer afraid.  Or until my heart is completely broken.

You know, whatever happens first.