Saturday, September 29, 2012

Falling Away.

I love that my pillows smell like his cologne after he leaves.  I love that he makes me smile almost constantly. I love that I don't compare him to my ex incessantly.  And I love that, on the infrequent occasions that I do, he is always obviously the superior choice.

These things and so many more or why I have to take time every day to talk myself out of running away from him.

I haven't felt like this about someone in years.  If I am truly honest, I'm not sure I've felt this way about someone ever.  I've definitely never been this open and honest with a man.  I can easily talk to him about any of the things I talk to Oose about.

 And I am so fucking scared I can barely keep myself in check.

It's a cycle of paranoia, really.  I freak out, then I have to talk to him about it so I don't freak out anymore.  But the next day I freak out because I talked to him about it and I apparently can't handle having this much trust and intimacy with a man.  Not another person, because I have an incredible amount of both of those things with several friends, especially with Oose.  But specifically with a man.

A man I have feelings for and am afraid to really give myself to because there is no guarantee he won't hurt me.

I shouldn't have to try this hard not to sabotage things with someone I really want to be with.  I shouldn't have to force myself to relax about the fact that we've only been casually seeing each other for a month and I don't know how to tell him I don't want him to see anyone else.

Not that I think he actually is seeing someone else.

Again, paranoia.

I also have to figure out how to deal with the idea that I deserve someone this...  Wonderful.  I've spent years thinking I was going to end up with Sterling and just hoping he would treat me better, all the while knowing he never would.

It's much more difficult than I thought it would be to handle someone who isn't phased when I don't answer his texts for three hours or is totally cool with me having to put my studies first (always) and my friends first (sometimes).  Someone who just accepts me as a crazy, erratic, fickle dork and still likes me.  Someone who treats me well and that I'm still attracted to.  Someone Oose actually likes and approves of.

I think my subconscious thinks he's either not real or too good to be true and wants me to get out now before he really hurts me.  But I can't make myself run away, either.

So, I'll keep forcing myself to stay until I'm no longer afraid.  Or until my heart is completely broken.

You know, whatever happens first.


  1. Fear is a normal part of love.

    So glad you're happy. <3 Seriously.

    Oh, and make that facebook event so I can book my hotel already ;)

    1. Thanks. :) I'm working really hard just to let things be and accept what they are. It's... A challenge.

  2. Replies
    1. Thank you, darling. :) It's just had not to freak out lol.

  3. Nice. That sounds pretty awesome.

    1. It sucked for a little bit. But he knew how to help me through it.

  4. So happy for you. I can't wait until this happens to me. :)

    1. Lol I can't wait until this happens to you, either. Hopefully it doesn't take as long for you as it did for me. m :)