I love that my pillows smell like his cologne after he leaves. I love that he makes me smile almost constantly. I love that I don't compare him to my ex incessantly. And I love that, on the infrequent occasions that I do, he is always obviously the superior choice.
These things and so many more or why I have to take time every day to talk myself out of running away from him.
I haven't felt like this about someone in years. If I am truly honest, I'm not sure I've felt this way about someone ever. I've definitely never been this open and honest with a man. I can easily talk to him about any of the things I talk to Oose about.
And I am so fucking scared I can barely keep myself in check.
It's a cycle of paranoia, really. I freak out, then I have to talk to him about it so I don't freak out anymore. But the next day I freak out because I talked to him about it and I apparently can't handle having this much trust and intimacy with a man. Not another person, because I have an incredible amount of both of those things with several friends, especially with Oose. But specifically with a man.
A man I have feelings for and am afraid to really give myself to because there is no guarantee he won't hurt me.
I shouldn't have to try this hard not to sabotage things with someone I really want to be with. I shouldn't have to force myself to relax about the fact that we've only been casually seeing each other for a month and I don't know how to tell him I don't want him to see anyone else.
Not that I think he actually is seeing someone else.
I also have to figure out how to deal with the idea that I deserve someone this... Wonderful. I've spent years thinking I was going to end up with Sterling and just hoping he would treat me better, all the while knowing he never would.
It's much more difficult than I thought it would be to handle someone who isn't phased when I don't answer his texts for three hours or is totally cool with me having to put my studies first (always) and my friends first (sometimes). Someone who just accepts me as a crazy, erratic, fickle dork and still likes me. Someone who treats me well and that I'm still attracted to. Someone Oose actually likes and approves of.
I think my subconscious thinks he's either not real or too good to be true and wants me to get out now before he really hurts me. But I can't make myself run away, either.
So, I'll keep forcing myself to stay until I'm no longer afraid. Or until my heart is completely broken.
You know, whatever happens first.