Saturday, September 29, 2012

Falling Away.

I love that my pillows smell like his cologne after he leaves.  I love that he makes me smile almost constantly. I love that I don't compare him to my ex incessantly.  And I love that, on the infrequent occasions that I do, he is always obviously the superior choice.

These things and so many more or why I have to take time every day to talk myself out of running away from him.

I haven't felt like this about someone in years.  If I am truly honest, I'm not sure I've felt this way about someone ever.  I've definitely never been this open and honest with a man.  I can easily talk to him about any of the things I talk to Oose about.

 And I am so fucking scared I can barely keep myself in check.

It's a cycle of paranoia, really.  I freak out, then I have to talk to him about it so I don't freak out anymore.  But the next day I freak out because I talked to him about it and I apparently can't handle having this much trust and intimacy with a man.  Not another person, because I have an incredible amount of both of those things with several friends, especially with Oose.  But specifically with a man.

A man I have feelings for and am afraid to really give myself to because there is no guarantee he won't hurt me.

I shouldn't have to try this hard not to sabotage things with someone I really want to be with.  I shouldn't have to force myself to relax about the fact that we've only been casually seeing each other for a month and I don't know how to tell him I don't want him to see anyone else.

Not that I think he actually is seeing someone else.

Again, paranoia.

I also have to figure out how to deal with the idea that I deserve someone this...  Wonderful.  I've spent years thinking I was going to end up with Sterling and just hoping he would treat me better, all the while knowing he never would.

It's much more difficult than I thought it would be to handle someone who isn't phased when I don't answer his texts for three hours or is totally cool with me having to put my studies first (always) and my friends first (sometimes).  Someone who just accepts me as a crazy, erratic, fickle dork and still likes me.  Someone who treats me well and that I'm still attracted to.  Someone Oose actually likes and approves of.

I think my subconscious thinks he's either not real or too good to be true and wants me to get out now before he really hurts me.  But I can't make myself run away, either.

So, I'll keep forcing myself to stay until I'm no longer afraid.  Or until my heart is completely broken.

You know, whatever happens first.

8 comments:

  1. Fear is a normal part of love.

    So glad you're happy. <3 Seriously.

    Oh, and make that facebook event so I can book my hotel already ;)

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    1. Thanks. :) I'm working really hard just to let things be and accept what they are. It's... A challenge.

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  2. Replies
    1. Thank you, darling. :) It's just had not to freak out lol.

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  3. Nice. That sounds pretty awesome.

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    1. It sucked for a little bit. But he knew how to help me through it.

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  4. So happy for you. I can't wait until this happens to me. :)

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    1. Lol I can't wait until this happens to you, either. Hopefully it doesn't take as long for you as it did for me. m :)

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