Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Does That Make Me Crazy?

Today I learned something important: my boyfriend needs to put a password lock on his computer.

Why he does not have one I don't know.  What I do know is that I am insane and lack self-control.

You see, he left his computer at my house and didn't have a chance to come back to get it tonight.  So I came upstairs at three AM and thought it would be fun to play with it (it's technically a tablet with keyboard attachment and I like the big touch screens; I can't help it).  But then I was all, "Oh, look!  He has a Facebook app on here!  Just clicking it won't be a terrible idea because he totally won't be signed in.  I meant, why would nothing be protected, just in case?  He leaves his shit everywhere all the time and never gets fraped.  It'll be fine!"

I was wrong.  On every single count (except the part where I said he leaves his shit everywhere; that was right).

No password.

My first mistake was not exiting the app immediately.  My second was deciding to take a "quick peek" at his messages.  You know, to see who he's been messaging.  Over the course of the last year.  With a vagina.  And pinpoint when he was talking to those sluts girls and how much he was talking to me at the time.

I am legitimately insane.  I know.

I managed to only look at one.  And it was the one whose name I wasn't familiar with, who he had messaged the most recently, and who I thought for some reason he was least likely to have fooled around with.

Now I have to figure out how to tell him all of this, as well as try not to be upset with him at all because it's not his fault I can't control myself and he really didn't do anything wrong.  Except not tell me when he hung out with her last.  Or mention her to me at all.  Not that he really tried to hide it, but he never mentioned one word about her existence and it's as if them hanging out could have not happened at all.

I realize I can trust him and he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, but there is still a part of me (the crazy part) that is kind of looking for a reason to leave him.

He makes me too happy and that scares me.  It's like I think I don't deserve how good he is to me.

It's that same crazy part that wonders what else he could not be telling me.  What he's doing when I don't hear from him for six hours and he's not at work.

What he's going to do that will break my heart.

And I don't know how I can make that not happen and still be with him.  So I have to trust him.  But now I feel like I can't.  And it's my fault because I did something I knew the whole time I shouldn't have been doing.

Crap.

5 comments:

  1. Just apologize for breaking into his facebook. Hopefully he can take that sort of thing in stride, but he might be understandably upset. And whether or not you do tell him that you peeked through his messages looking for a chance of infidelity, you should let him know that you might still be dealing with some insecurities. Even that can be a hard thing to tell someone, but if he's good to you, he'll never try to use that against you.

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    1. The funny thing is that I wasn't really looking for hints of infidelity; in that respect I actually really trust him. I could have just asked him when he stopped talking to other girls and he would have been honest about it. Actually, I did ask him and he was honest about it. And when I asked him he told me I could dig through all his shit if I wanted to because he has nothing to hide from me and he never will.

      I really hate it when this happens, but I think I was really worrying/stressing over something else and I just got super uptight about girls he's talked to in the past instead. Given the thing I was stressed about, that makes sense. I guess. But I finally talked to him about it and he was really cool and supportive and didn't make me more uptight at all. That was definitely a good thing. Now I'm still a little worried about it, but much less anxious and hopefully I'll find out in a couple days that it's a total non-issue anyway.

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  2. your not alone and your not the only one who would do that... unfortunately when i did that i was left with disturbing information and it only made really sad about the last three years... but sometimes you have to deal with your actions.

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    1. I'm sorry that happened to you. I've been both the person lied to and the person lied about and neither is especially fun. I hope things get better for you.

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