Why he does not have one I don't know. What I do know is that I am insane and lack self-control.
You see, he left his computer at my house and didn't have a chance to come back to get it tonight. So I came upstairs at three AM and thought it would be fun to play with it (it's technically a tablet with keyboard attachment and I like the big touch screens; I can't help it). But then I was all, "Oh, look! He has a Facebook app on here! Just clicking it won't be a terrible idea because he totally won't be signed in. I meant, why would nothing be protected, just in case? He leaves his shit everywhere all the time and never gets fraped. It'll be fine!"
I was wrong. On every single count (except the part where I said he leaves his shit everywhere; that was right).
My first mistake was not exiting the app immediately. My second was deciding to take a "quick peek" at his messages. You know, to see who he's been messaging. Over the course of the last year. With a vagina. And pinpoint when he was talking to those
I am legitimately insane. I know.
I managed to only look at one. And it was the one whose name I wasn't familiar with, who he had messaged the most recently, and who I thought for some reason he was least likely to have fooled around with.
Now I have to figure out how to tell him all of this, as well as try not to be upset with him at all because it's not his fault I can't control myself and he really didn't do anything wrong. Except not tell me when he hung out with her last. Or mention her to me at all. Not that he really tried to hide it, but he never mentioned one word about her existence and it's as if them hanging out could have not happened at all.
I realize I can trust him and he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, but there is still a part of me (the crazy part) that is kind of looking for a reason to leave him.
He makes me too happy and that scares me. It's like I think I don't deserve how good he is to me.
It's that same crazy part that wonders what else he could not be telling me. What he's doing when I don't hear from him for six hours and he's not at work.
What he's going to do that will break my heart.
And I don't know how I can make that not happen and still be with him. So I have to trust him. But now I feel like I can't. And it's my fault because I did something I knew the whole time I shouldn't have been doing.