Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Vent. Ish.

My Spring Break started off a little weird because Yoshi and I were arguing (as much as we ever actually argue).  Basically, I was frustrated and menstrual and being stupid.  Things are okay now.  I just had to admit a few things to him and to myself.

1.  I recently passed my recital preview (yay!), but my professors spoke to me afterward about a laundry list of things I'm still not getting right.  They still feel I'm not putting enough of myself into my performances.  And they hate pretty much every piece of clothing I wear when I perform.  But I'm beautiful, my voice is beautiful, and I have really pretty hair.  It's just my stage presence that needs work.  Apparently.  And, coming out of my meeting with them, all I could think was that I must look as frumpy on the outside as I feel on the inside.  So I asked Yoshi to help me start trying to lose weight.  Good plan, except that I started dieting right in the middle of a terrible bout of PMS and midterms.  Things have gone surprisingly well so far, but I've been really frustrated and have been consumed by a pretty negative body image for a few months now. 

2.  My nephew was recently born.  He is completely adorable and I just want to squish him.  The problem, however, is that this has exacerbated one of my other frustrations.  Prior to his birth, I could deal with the love of my life and I both being in school and super poor.  But now I my "I want one!" feelings have multiplied tenfold.  I know Yoshi has been feeling stressed and pressured because he just moved into a new place and is trying to find a second job, so I just didn't really feel like talking to him about it would do any good.  Thankfully, it did.  I'm still trying to will a multitude of successes on us rapidly, but I'm less irritated about it.

3.  We both knew I was going to be leaving for ten days and, while I decided to stress about it and try to spend time with him despite my midterms, I didn't feel that he was trying to spend time with me to the same degree.  I want him to spend time with his friends.  I just want to be more important before I leave because he can spend all the time he wants to with them while I'm gone.  

Things are fine now, mostly due to the fact that Yoshi makes me talk about things.  And when he doesn't push it I end up talking to him anyway because I can't help it.  I can't lie to him.  I can't even keep secrets from him.  Sometimes I wonder if it's the same for him.  I think it is to a degree; he can't lie to me.  He just sometimes forgets to tell me things that I think are important for me to know.

Otherwise Spring Break has been nice.  I've been missing my family a lot lately and I've enjoyed being able to spend time with them. 

I'm reaching a point where I'm really tired of school and not ever having money and roommates and bullshit. 

I'm tired of pretending every day that I still want to be a musician; that I still plan to go to grad school and try to make a career out of singing.  I don't want to go through all of that rejection.  I'm tired of the rejection. 

I miss working in an office consistently and having an income, period, let alone a steady one.  I miss buying new shoes.  I miss being thin and having clothes fit well when I try them on. 

I miss where my life was at 22.  Then again, I don't miss Sterling and I would never want to give Yoshi up.  So maybe things are better the way they are now; with me being poor as hell and living four hours from the people I would give anything to see at least once a week. 

I haven't been writing enough lately.  No wonder I feel all pent-up and irritated. 

Stupid school schedule.

2 comments:

  1. I consistently wish that I could go back to being 22 and do things all over. You are not alone in these feelings. Also, the first paragraph of this post really struck a chord with me. I consistently talk myself out of feelings because they are irrational or whatever (like being pissed off at my husband for not reading my mind and plunging the toilet before he even knew it was clogged. I talked to my therapist about it yesterday and she stressed the importance of not being embarrassed about your feelings and owning them. Even if they are irrational or hormone driven, constantly telling yourself that what your feeling isn't "right" or "good" or "justified" isn't healthy and only breeds self-esteem issues. At least for me. I hope it's not the same for you, but I found it interesting so I thought I'd share. I love you, Katie!

    ReplyDelete