Thursday, February 7, 2013

Where to Go From Here.

I can't pinpoint the source of my current state of generalized anxiety and sort of down-ness.

It's either my off-kilter schedule so far this semester, my depression over being a music major, or Yoshi and my need for him to grow up.  It's the one thing about our relationship that I really ever doubt.  And the amount of contact I've had with him for the last six weeks are sort of discouraging.

I am to the point where I almost need to tell him I have to break it off until he has lived on his own for a while and we can see if it will work then.  But every time I think I'm going to have to talk to him about it, we have a long talk and resolve all of the other issues I'm having and it doesn't seem that bad anymore.

It just keeps coming back.  I don't know how long I can take this.  I love him very much, obviously.  I think that's why it breaks my heart so much.

He's still young.  I know he cares about me, but there are experiences he needs to have that I don't want to take away from him.  I don't want to hold him back or control or change him.  But I need more than what he's really able to offer me and that's not a fair situation for either of us.

I miss being the person I was when I was just working and taking a night class at a time.  I hate being a full-time student.  I hate being this person who complains and isn't funny or interesting on my blog.  I just start typing and all these negative things flood out because I'm really not dealing with them at all.

I really think it's best at this point for me to do what I haven't been doing enough for...  Forever, I guess.  Just ignore everything except school and work.  When I have time to spare I'll spend it with friends.  But there's no reason for me to waste as much time and energy as I have in the last few months on something or someone that's not going to be able to do the same back.

And it's really fine that he's busy.  I want him to be successful in all of his endeavors.  But I can't be something that falls by the wayside because I love him and obviously that's going to keep me going until he is able to spend time with me again.  Whenever that may be.

In all honesty, if I could turn the calendar back two or three years, I would.  I would be perfectly content to sit in my office wearing my favorite shoes and my favorite jeans, drinking tea with my morning toast and doing the one thing I've ever felt competent doing.  Instead I'm stuck in school, poor as fuck, with a major that I dislike and a major I won't get to start until the fall.  And somehow I've traded Sterling for someone who loves me at least as much but hardly devotes any of his time to our relationship, instead of devoting way too much of his time to our relationship.

I don't know what to do.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry to read that things aren't coming together the way you would like them to.

    The burdens of student life can be ridiculously challenging to overcome, especially if your personal life isn't quite in order either. The best advice I can give, while staying simple, is just that you should do what you Want to do. There are all these things in life that distract us, misguide us, point us in weird directions, and sometimes help us. If you can manage to take a step back from your life, and just figure out exactly what things you want for yourself, you will be able to make many of the complex decisions in your life more easily.

    Do what You want. Don't let anyone other than your own mind and heart tell you what is best for You.

    And things will begin to look up sooner than you think. They always do :)