Saturday, December 3, 2011

Choices.

The summer directly following my 19th birthday, my parents forced me to spend about five weeks in Santa Cruz because, well, the offer was there and they were sick of me.

During that time period, I was mooning over some guy and I didn't know what to do about it.  I've always had a great fear of rejection and, as a result, very rarely pursue men.  The guys that typically pursue me are even crazier than me, so my dating record is starting to seem a little sketch. 

Anyway, I had a very dear friend from Redding (I will call him Yoda) who would help me out with a male perspective when I really needed one.  He was like a big brother to me for several years and, though we don't talk much anymore, I still hold him in a very special place in my heart. 

He gave me advice in an IM conversation that I deemed amazing enough to save in a Word document and print out. 

I think the Word document is somewhere in the dark recesses of my old laptop.  But, through some great feat of God or fate, the hard copy of the document survives.  And keeps popping up at very opportune moments.  Every time I read it I find it speaks more to me.

I found it when I moved and decided to bring it with me.  I read it when I was having issues really letting go of Bambi, then I put it away and forgot about it. 

The other day I was rummaging around in my trunk trying to find a good movie to watch and I found it again, underneath a stack of Scooby-Doo dvds.  It seems so relevant right now that I have to share it.  And hopefully that will help me gather my thoughts.  So, doubly awesome.

"You have to be able to reduce everything to a series of one or the other choices.  Then everything becomes 50/50.  It doesn't make the answers more clear, but it will help to alleviate confusion, which then leads you to the heart of matters.

After that you're close enough to the truth to make sure you're only debating important issues with yourself. 

Some guy is not an important issue.

Therefore, he can be dealt with in choices.  Either you like him or you don't.  You want to be with him or you don't. 

Don't worry about making the right or wrong choice, just make a choice and be absolute and unwavering.  No matter what, in 20 years you're going to look back on your life and you're going to have a past.  You're going to say "I wonder..." and that's always going to be about the other choice, so it doesn't matter. 

With each choice there will come what feels like the wrong choice in hindsight.  But following that choice, there will be happiness.

All choices bring with them rewards and regrets.  Go with your gut.  I'm betting that if you stop thinking so hard and just tell yourself to pick one, you'll be able to do it.  If you have to, one day just stop in the middle of a street or store, or just some random spot when you're not thinking about it and say, "choose now."

Whatever you tell yourself, go with it.  It's probably your most basic senses talking to you.

Somewhere inside you've already made the choice, you just have to find it.

If you decide not to be with him then there is only one question: will you be friends with him or not?  If yes, go with that.  If not, tell him and send him on his way; next topic.  If you decide to be with him, then down the line it becomes do you stay with him or don't you?  Do you call him tonight or don't you?  Just take it all one question at a time. 

Don't worry about the past or future. Don't worry about him; worry about you.  If you're decisive and absolute, other things tend to follow.

Be a rock.

You can either be a rock-- water changes its path to suit you, or you can be a leaf and get swept away."



I am a rock.

I am a rock that would rather be with someone who desperately loves me and treats me like crap from time to time than even try to deal with someone who is fickle and doesn't really want me but treats me well all the time.

I am tired and my stress and anxiety are both at an all-time high.  I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with shit at present.  And I'm tired of drinking.

So I am resolute and I am moving on.

I think I'm getting pretty good at it, myself.

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