Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Well, Then.

I'm done with classes for this semester.  That's a huge relief.

I'm going to Santa Cruz for the weekend and home for two weeks starting Tuesday.  I can't wait to finally relax.  I've been so stressed out.

Tonight I had a mini party with my roommates and some of our close friends.  Therefore, I might still be slightly inebriated.  Not a lot.  I mean, I wouldn't want to drive and I'm glad to be in bed right now.  But I'm not falling down and I remember all of tonight.

I spent about 20 minutes on the toilet for the simple fact that I still had to pee.  Has that ever happened to you?

Anyway, I made the mistake during that period of looking at the new setup of the Twitter app on my phone.  I started a Twitter a few years ago that I never use because Bambi convinced me to do it.  It was, for some reason, logged into that account instead of my blog account, which is the only one I've used in about a year.

Bambi is still following that Twitter.  He hadn't been on his since last November.  Until two months ago.  When he posted something about his girlfriend being a good cook.

He never enjoyed eating, but he gained a lot of weight when we were together because he actually liked the things I fed him.  So in a way it hurt me that he could and would enjoy someone else's cooking to that same degree.

Then I started thinking about it.  It was around that same time period that he started emailing me for no reason.  That he was telling me she bugged the shit out of him and he wanted to leave her.  As if I were going to give him my blessing and take him back again.

I didn't do that.  I told him I was sorry he was unhappy.  And that was pretty much it.  Not too long after that he stopped emailing me again because she found out he was talking to me and didn't like it.

Sometimes I wonder if he's still with her.  Sometimes I miss him.  Then I realize I miss the degree to which he loved me and having someone care about me that much.  I don't miss all the bullshit I had to go through to even attempt to be with him.

I miss the idea of what he was to me more than I miss him.

He was a fucking dick.

And I'm sure he still is.  Liars and assholes never change.

Despite the fact that don't necessarily like that he's with someone else, I think I've reached a point of clarity.  I hope he can be happy with someone else because I know he would never be with me.  I hope he finds some meaning to his life.  But I don't need him in mine because, while I tried my best to boost him up most of the time, he did his very best to bring me down to his level.  And I hate feeling like shit.

I really hope that one day I can find someone who loves me that much again.  I hope I can trust someone as much as I did him again.  I hope I can become emotionally vulnerable (more on that specific topic later) for that person and let them know the real me.  I hope that person only treats me the way Bambi did on good days and never like he did on bad days, because I will never put up with that shit again.

I hope that one day I can open up and learn to love again.

Until then, I'll have Churro and Toto.

2 comments:

  1. Note: Yes, I've totally had prolonged visits to the toilet for same said reason. :P

    Also: You've come a long way, girlfriend.

    I still have my hardest final tomorrow morning at 8 in the freaking morning. :P

    Oh, and Suzanne Clores put up the third installment of her "Do Bad Things" memoir. Don't know if you've been interested in that or not.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm glad I'm not the only one! And thank you. I'm finally realizing that, too.
    Is your hardest final on your last day of finals? I'm freaking out because I'm afraid I'm going to be like .5 under a 3.0 and I don't know if they'll take away my scholarship over a degree that small and stupid.

    Yes, I'm interested! I honestly haven't had a chance to read the other one yet. I haven't read anything besides my textbooks in probably two months and I've been really busy since I finished finals.

    ReplyDelete