I felt like shit today. Not like I was ill, but somehow as if I was lacking whatever component it is that can create genuine happiness in a human being.
I was scared.
I came home from a four-hour choir rehearsal and got right back in bed, utilizing that old trick I've used for years when I'm lonely and need comfort; I turned my heating pad on the lowest setting and pushed it against my back with a pillow.
I ate cream cheese frosting out of the container with a spoon. I didn't even bother to sit up. I just laid there, letting tears well up into my eyes while I wondered what happened to the rest of the roll of toilet paper I had next to my bed when I was sick. It would come in handy when I needed to blow my nose.
That was my lunch. Cream cheese frosting in a plastic container and crocodile tears filled with self-pity and probably a pretty good amount of bat-shit crazy.
I finally had to get up and go to the bathroom because I couldn't find the toilet paper and I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror on the way in.
Then I got mad.
I hate that I shut down when I get stressed. And I was truly pissed that I was allowing my stupid little girl emotions rule me so much.
So I changed my clothes and went to the school gym. I was only able to work out for about 45 minutes, but it made a world of difference. I took a shower and shaved my legs. I practiced for a half hour or so. Then I took a half hour nap.
I got up and made dinner for Churro and a friend of ours from school who happens to live in the same complex we do. Then I baked a cake. And we ate it, straight out of the oven, with the same frosting I'd been eating out of the can for lunch.
Now I have a sinus headache.
But otherwise I feel about 150% better, mentally.
It's amazing how a silly little thing like jogging and creating endorphins makes such a big change. As if I didn't already really need to work out, I realize now that the closer I get to completing this semester, the more I need to make time to exercise. Not only did I feel better, but it was easier to focus. Which I've really been struggling with.
Tomorrow I will write a two-page paper and finish memorizing the three pieces I need to know for Monday. Oh, and sing in two concerts. Then work on composing the fugue that serves as the final for one of my other classes.
Free time is so overrated.