Once again, I don't know what I'm doing.
I put myself in a position I know I can't escape unscathed.
I've been telling myself to walk away for weeks so I don't end up getting hurt, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know if it's because I am subconsciously masochistic or if it's because I enjoy hanging out that much. Either way, if I had left on Halloween like I intended, I wouldn't be feeling the way I do right now.
Is it worse to hide away your feelings forever, never get hurt, and die alone, or is it worse to open up and let yourself feel for someone, then, as a result, watch with wide eyes while they rip you open to examine your vulnerabilities and randomly wander away one day, leaving all your guts spilling out onto the floor?
I don't want to die alone.
I want to get married someday. Maybe have children.
I want to remember what it's like to know for a fact someone outside my family loves me again. I want to remember what it's like to want to be with someone so much it hurts and know that, at any given moment, they are feeling exactly the same way.
I'm really good at being a girlfriend. And now that I am finally starting to feel as if I might be close to ready to try to be one again, I am realizing that I am probably just too fucked up to do so.