Sunday, November 13, 2011

Forever Alone.

Once again, I don't know what I'm doing.

I put myself in a position I know I can't escape unscathed.

I've been telling myself to walk away for weeks so I don't end up getting hurt, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know if it's because I am subconsciously masochistic or if it's because I enjoy hanging out that much. Either way, if I had left on Halloween like I intended, I wouldn't be feeling the way I do right now.

Is it worse to hide away your feelings forever, never get hurt, and die alone, or is it worse to open up and let yourself feel for someone, then, as a result, watch with wide eyes while they rip you open to examine your vulnerabilities and randomly wander away one day, leaving all your guts spilling out onto the floor?


I don't want to die alone.

I want to get married someday. Maybe have children.

I want to remember what it's like to know for a fact someone outside my family loves me again. I want to remember what it's like to want to be with someone so much it hurts and know that, at any given moment, they are feeling exactly the same way.

I'm really good at being a girlfriend. And now that I am finally starting to feel as if I might be close to ready to try to be one again, I am realizing that I am probably just too fucked up to do so.

3 comments:

  1. Whoa, wait. So, I take it there is a new possible someone in your life? Good for you! Yeah, who knows, maybe you're still a little mussed inside, but remember, you aren't just throwing yourself headlong into this person as soon as you say you're interested. When you say you're willing to date someone, you're saying "yeah, you're interesting and I want to get to know you on a more intimate level", not "OMG I'm sooo into you, I feel like we should NEVER be apart!" The latter usually ends in a horrible flaming crash-and-burn. Not saying there's anything wrong with passion, it's just that we get so caught up that sometimes we forget that we really are (or could be) letting a complete stranger share our world. It's the sort of thing that really should happen in steps. I'm sure you know this already, but sometimes we need to be reminded by outside voices. And caution is fine too, just don't let that fear that "you are not good/stable enough" cause you to completely push away someone who really may suit you. Just be forthright, but not too terribly detailed(you can tell them the story when you know them better), and say that you are interested, simply that you've had some problems in the past and that you want to step in slowly. If he can't agree with that, then you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. Don't think you would have been any better off if you hadn't said anything about it. I hope you get both what you want and what you need in a relationship. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. He's still dealing with residual feelings from his last relationship and doesn't want to just jump into anything, either. It's all very complicated. And it's one of the unfortunate (but thankfully few) instances in which I find myself unable to hide what I'm feeling and end up verbal-diarrhea-ing all my emotions onto him while crying a single tear and refusing to make eye contact. It's fucking awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Bleh...Well, you both seem earnest to like each other, so even if it seems awkward at first because of the pace, or perhaps bringing up old memories to each other every once in a while for a bit, I'm sure he's still someone worth knowing, otherwise you wouldn't be trying. Good luck dear. <3

    ReplyDelete