Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Curvature.

Between work, school, and the social life I allow myself to have so I don't go crazy, I have no real free time.  And I get stressed out.  A lot. 

For the first few weeks after I moved I would binge-eat as a result of the stress.  We're talking two burgers, a large fry, and a slushie binge-eat. 

But now I'm getting better about that.  In part because I don't really have money to waste on fast food and in part because I don't want to be 300 pounds.  Or even 200, for that matter. 

I was really going to try to lose weight this semester, since I get to be in charge of every bit of food that I eat and unlimited use of the school rec center (which has a pretty nice gym) was included in my fees.  I'm finding that I just can't be bothered to take the time to try really hard.

I work before class in the morning.  I work after class in the afternoon.  I do homework in the evening and either work or try to find time to either be sociable or read.  The easiest day for me to get to the gym is Saturday.  Which I actually do try to do.  I need to get on a better schedule during the week.  I've just found that it's not as important to me as it once was.  I'd rather keep my job.

There are two reasons I know I need to try to go to the gym more.  One is that, while I can't be bothered to try really hard yet, it would be nice to fit into all of my jeans again.  The other is the main reason I actually want to go to the gym.  I want to jog more often because I need to have better control of my air flow and breathing when I sing. 

I know that I will never be 115 pounds again.  I am not a prepubescent teenage boy; I am a woman and I look like one.  I have boobs and a bootay and no matter how hard I try I will never be rid of either.  I will always have hips big enough to enable me frequent wins in that game where you try to knock your friends off balance by popping them with your hip.

I like ice cream and hot chocolate and french fries...  And, above almost anything else on the planet, I love Mexican food.  When I get stressed out I drink empty calories, then laugh and dance most of them off.

I've never really had what I would consider to be an exceptionally unhealthy body image.  But the older I get the more I realize that no matter what I do, no matter how small I actually am, I will never really look small because my boobs will always look big.  There's no way around that...  Until I can get breast reduction surgery, and that won't be for at least another decade.  Maybe more.

I guess it all boils down to this: I am done trying to be something I know I will never manage to be, or, in this case, look like.

I am not beautiful despite my curves.

I am more beautiful because of my curves. 

2 comments:

  1. Word. I've gone from constantly obsessing about going to the gym and being worried about the fact that I've never been able to run without my pulse spiking, or that I'm only going to get heavier, to realizing that it's better to just get exercise when I can get it, and have fun doing it. I do take extra walks across campus though, and I live close enough to a grocery store that I sometimes just walk there and carry weights back(my bags). :P I think it's more important that you feel better, even if it doesn't look like you're making much of an effort. But frankly my dear, with all the running around you do, you'll probably be able to maintain weight just from your busy day. Although, a tip: the more water you drink, and the more veggies and fruits you eat, the less you will eventually crave sugar. I say that as I've been munching on Halloween candy, but really, the more vitamins and nutrients you keep in your system, the less you will crave junky things, even during moments of stress. Good luck girl, and good on you.

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  2. I actually really like going to the gym and doing cardio. It's just hard to get myself to do it in the little free time that I have. I'm not so concerned with maintenance because I don't feel like that's really an issue at this point in time. I just purchased a lot of clothes in the last three years that are a little snug after working in an office for two years and, as I don't have the funds to purchase an entirely new wardrobe, I would like to be able to wear them comfortably. Also, I don't really crave sugar much. Fast food is a comfort thing to me (complicated), so I eat it when I'm stressed or upset. And a lot of it. I think the only sweet thing I've purchased lately is a box of pop tarts and that was only so that I would conceivably be able to have breakfast in the morning, since they are so portable. I do need to start drinking my protein shake again; I stopped before I moved. Thanks for the advice. :)

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