Bleeding Out.

Upside of having an iud: no unwanted pregnancies.

Downside of having an iud: for two days of my week-long period I will bleed through everything.  EVERYTHING.

As in, there is so much blood I can feel it trickling out of myself.  And that is equal parts terrifying and disgusting.

Upside of iud as opposed to other forms of female contraceptives: no hormones that make me insane (because I intentionally got the one without hormones).  The hormones in birth control make me a crazy bitch.

Downside:  cramps can be bad enough that I am sometimes afraid my body will actually push the iud out.

I've never needed birth control for medical reasons; I've only ever taken the pill because I didn't want to get pregnant.  When I was 18 it didn't seem to affect me at all.  I was a little dizzy for about two days and that was as far as any side effects went.

The older I get, the more affected I seem to be by it.  The penultimate time I took it, I gained about 20 pounds and had terrible morning sickness for a little over a week.  The last time I took it I acted fucking batshit crazy every time my period was remotely near.  I either felt like I was watching myself be a nutjob from the outside and had no control over what I said or did, or I hated everything and cried.  Mostly the former.

That's primarily why I decided to get the iud.

While I miss having a lighter, shorter period, the hormones from the pill usually didn't change much.  The last one I took was the only one to ever make my period much shorter and it was amazing.  But I see why they don't recommend iuds for women with heavy flows.  I always had fairly light periods compared to the all-out flood I experience now.  I didn't know my uterus contained that much blood.

And seriously, Uterus, I know you're all mad that you're all fertile and not making babies right now, but why are you taking it out on me?  It's not my fault.  Talk to Yoshi about it.

Road Trip.

Ten days ago my darling Yoshi turned 22.  For his birthday, he decided to take me on a weekend trip up to Fort Bragg.  He kept most of his plans for the weekend a surprise, which was fun for me.  I still don't really know what roads we took. 

I know we went through Discovery Bay and then up some random highway he later said went through San Ramon...  This is where we saw a burnt-up shell of a car on the side of the freeway that caused traffic to practically stop for miles.  We stopped in Willits, where gas was $3.43 per gallon.  Hot damn.

I bought a Smart Water in Willits.  This caused Yoshi to decide to get one, as well.  Apparently he'd never purchased a Smart Water before.

Y- "Why are they called 'smart'?  Is it supposed to make you feel smart or something?"

B- "It's got electrolytes in it.  I like to buy Smart Waters if I think I'm going to be hungover.  It's like Gatorade, but without all the sugar."

Y- Proceeded to straight freak out because "that's so cool!"

He's so funny sometimes.

We got to watch the sun set while driving through a redwood forest.  Then walk across a bridge that goes over a beach between two cliff sides and look at the water.  I froze my ass off. 

We decided that we'll retire there when we're old and rich.  Our kids can deal with our grandkids getting carsick on the three hours of windy road in any direction you have to take to access that area.  We don't care.  We'll live in a moderately sized house on a cliff overlooking the ocean and every day we will walk on the beach and bring home sea glass and shapely driftwood.

Sunday we drove down Highway 1 to San Francisco.  We stopped a few times to take pictures on the side of the road.  I was overwhelmed with how beautiful everything was, to the point where I didn't feel like I could even appreciate it fully anymore. 

We stopped in Bodega Bay and bought saltwater taffy, even though neither of us particularly likes it. 

We stopped outside Stinson Beach to take a picture on the cliffside...  And somehow locked the keys in the car.  It was the first time all day any of the windows had been higher than halfway up.  So we had to wait by the side of the road, on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean, as the sun set, until a tow truck company rep from San Ramon showed up with a wire doo-dad to pull the keys off the seat. 

The thing is...  That situation could have been just pretty.  If it had happened earlier in the day.  But we were on a cliffside.  For over a half hour without sun.  It was fucking windy.  I was in flip flops, capris, and a light sweatshirt.  My phone died shortly after I spoke to the dumbest representative AAA had to offer- who, by the way, wasn't even in California.  AAA, if you're going to ask me what state I'm in, at least show me the courtesy of giving me a rep that's at least familiar with the geography of that state.  When I tell her I'm two miles South of Stinson Beach on Hwy 1 I don't want her to tell me that she can't find Hwy 1.  Or that it looks like I'm "between Daly City and Pacifica" when I've already told her I'm North of both of those cities.

Also, I had to pee desperately.  I had to pee before we stopped to take the picture.

The situation was less than ideal.

But we still got some great pictures out of it before we discovered the keys were on the driver's seat and the doors were locked.

I almost barfed on the way into San Francisco from there because my eyes had been dry from all the wind and I decided to put on my glasses, forgetting that I'm not completely used to the prescription of my glasses yet.  And the road was windy.  And I had to pee. 

We went to Ghirardelli Square, took a picture of the skyline behind Coit Tower, drove down Lombard Street for the first time (you know, the windiest road in the world, or whatever the slogan is), and ate at Mel's diner.

...Before accidentally driving to Berkely, then taking the long way back to 580.

We made it back into Modesto at 3:30 AM and crashed.

I think the best road trips with people are the ones when you discover that you're both kind of messes, but it works because you help clean each other up. 

Except the mess that's still in my car.  There's a Monster in there somewhere...  I don't drink caffeine or sodas...  I wonder who it could belong to...

Mulligans.

When I started this blog I wanted to tell funny stories from my life and have a place where I was allowed to be blatant and crass without consequence.  Well, minimal consequence.  Basically, I wanted a creative outlet and somewhere that I could write how I wanted and be entertaining without people criticizing me for grossly oversharing or turning everything into a double entendre.

Somehow this has instead turned into a place where I vent out all of my feelings, good or bad.  It's turned into where I word vomit everything about my relationships.  That's fine, I guess, because I need that outlet.  But that's not really what I wanted.  I don't feel entertaining anymore.

I don't like that feeling.

Complaining about school, fine.  Family, fine.  Roommates, fine.  I just don't want my love life to be the main focus of this blog anymore.  Let's face it, this isn't Bunny's Barrage of Lovey-Dovey Bullshit Blog About How Much She Loves Her Boyfriend.  This is supposed to be a blog about how I'm a terrible person and kind of a dick.

But, alas, I know I can't write about him because I spend at least half of my life with him now.  So, in the spirit of new beginnings, how about sort of a compromise.

I stop being so fucking boring.  But I don't stop mentioning Yoshi.  Because we're hilarious.  And you should know that.

For instance:





Ever since we had this conversation, I can't think about men's locker rooms without picturing awkward dude-on-dude massages and naked homoerotic towel whippings.

The funny thing is that when I he sent me these messages I laughed for minute before I realized that "Duck-Duck-Dick" can't be a song.  There is no song to "Duck-Duck-Goose".  So, what's that about?  Is it a game?  Did they make up a song?  If there is a song, can I hear it?  Why am I taking a joke situation this far?
Maybe if I ask him about it he'll make up a song for me.

...I must ask.

Vent. Ish.

My Spring Break started off a little weird because Yoshi and I were arguing (as much as we ever actually argue).  Basically, I was frustrated and menstrual and being stupid.  Things are okay now.  I just had to admit a few things to him and to myself.

1.  I recently passed my recital preview (yay!), but my professors spoke to me afterward about a laundry list of things I'm still not getting right.  They still feel I'm not putting enough of myself into my performances.  And they hate pretty much every piece of clothing I wear when I perform.  But I'm beautiful, my voice is beautiful, and I have really pretty hair.  It's just my stage presence that needs work.  Apparently.  And, coming out of my meeting with them, all I could think was that I must look as frumpy on the outside as I feel on the inside.  So I asked Yoshi to help me start trying to lose weight.  Good plan, except that I started dieting right in the middle of a terrible bout of PMS and midterms.  Things have gone surprisingly well so far, but I've been really frustrated and have been consumed by a pretty negative body image for a few months now. 

2.  My nephew was recently born.  He is completely adorable and I just want to squish him.  The problem, however, is that this has exacerbated one of my other frustrations.  Prior to his birth, I could deal with the love of my life and I both being in school and super poor.  But now I my "I want one!" feelings have multiplied tenfold.  I know Yoshi has been feeling stressed and pressured because he just moved into a new place and is trying to find a second job, so I just didn't really feel like talking to him about it would do any good.  Thankfully, it did.  I'm still trying to will a multitude of successes on us rapidly, but I'm less irritated about it.

3.  We both knew I was going to be leaving for ten days and, while I decided to stress about it and try to spend time with him despite my midterms, I didn't feel that he was trying to spend time with me to the same degree.  I want him to spend time with his friends.  I just want to be more important before I leave because he can spend all the time he wants to with them while I'm gone.  

Things are fine now, mostly due to the fact that Yoshi makes me talk about things.  And when he doesn't push it I end up talking to him anyway because I can't help it.  I can't lie to him.  I can't even keep secrets from him.  Sometimes I wonder if it's the same for him.  I think it is to a degree; he can't lie to me.  He just sometimes forgets to tell me things that I think are important for me to know.

Otherwise Spring Break has been nice.  I've been missing my family a lot lately and I've enjoyed being able to spend time with them. 

I'm reaching a point where I'm really tired of school and not ever having money and roommates and bullshit. 

I'm tired of pretending every day that I still want to be a musician; that I still plan to go to grad school and try to make a career out of singing.  I don't want to go through all of that rejection.  I'm tired of the rejection. 

I miss working in an office consistently and having an income, period, let alone a steady one.  I miss buying new shoes.  I miss being thin and having clothes fit well when I try them on. 

I miss where my life was at 22.  Then again, I don't miss Sterling and I would never want to give Yoshi up.  So maybe things are better the way they are now; with me being poor as hell and living four hours from the people I would give anything to see at least once a week. 

I haven't been writing enough lately.  No wonder I feel all pent-up and irritated. 

Stupid school schedule.

Gush-fest.

It's funny how sometimes you can meet someone completely by chance and from the moment you are introduced you know your life will never be the same. 

Yoshi was like that for me.  It's why I tried so hard to avoid him after I first met him.  It's why I pushed him away so hard a year ago.  It's why I fell in love with him so hard and so fast.

He's the first person I've ever been with who I've felt loves me as completely as I love him.  He makes me a better person.  I have a really hard time not telling him things.  And every time we have a disagreement it breaks my heart.  Luckily that doesn't happen very often. 

I sang in two concerts this weekend and he came to the one on Sunday, which was at a smaller venue.  I was able to look into the audience and see him watching me.  It's the first time I've been in the middle of a performance, looked at my boyfriend in the audience, and had my heart skip a beat because just seeing him there, supporting me, was like a jolt. 

Maybe I'm just super sappy and emotional lately.  But I think that's just because I'm happy. 

Also, my nephew was born last week.  I can't wait to meet him!  I won't be able to visit until Easter, but when I do I am stealing that baby.  He's pretty much the cutest thing ever. 

For the first time, I can really truly see myself having kids.  Before I wanted the idea of kids and it was something that I talked about with my ex, but I think I was always faking a little for him because he wanted more children so badly.  Now I'm genuinely excited.  Which makes my parents really happy, I'm sure.  Well, my mom.  My dad wants more grandkids, but I think he wants them without me actually being married to some guy who will steal me away from him.  Which isn't at all what will happen, though I'm sure that's what it feels like.  He seems fairly cool with Yoshi.  Pretty much everyone is.  Even Churro, who thought he was mildly annoying at first, is okay with him now because he can see how much he loves me.

I'm a lucky girl, to have all these people who care about me.


In other news, my neighbors got a puppy.  They leave their windows open.  It has separation anxiety.  It kind of sounds like a cross between a goat and a screaming child.  It makes me crazy and scares the crap out of me.  So, that's awesome.