Mini Update, Now With Cat Barf.

Yoshi didn't sleep last night because he was too stressed out.  He was such a delight before he left for work at noon...

Actually, he left in a bit of a huff.  He more or less stormed out (because he was frustrated with himself, not me) and I had enough time to walk to the dining room from the front door before Sammy started violently throwing up down the hallway.

Okay, well it sounded violent.  It was pretty much contained to one area.  It's not like he projectile-vomited all over the entire hallway.

I'm not positive cats even projectile vomit.

Though, if they do, I never want to see it.

Ever.

It felt like Yoshi got upset, left, and then Sammy thought, "oh, Dad's upset.  Now I'm upset.  Bleghhhh."

So, yeah.

I think Yoshi is just having some really bad hormones this week.  It's been rainy and he doesn't do as well with that as he thinks he does, which is a shame because I'm generally happier when it's raining.  Today is overcast and he always feels off when it's just cloudy.

Also, I am experiencing all of the hormones from my period and that makes him pretty edgy.  Usually he gets his PMS before mine so I can kind of tell when my period will occur.  This time he started being weird at the same time I did, so that explains a lot of the issues we had during our Sonoma trip last weekend.

For the entire first day it was like we just couldn't click.  I don't like that because road trips are when we are happiest together.  I think because we hate living in Modesto so much that just getting in the car and going for a short drive makes us happy.

All in all, though, that was a pretty great trip.

Hopefully today gets better.  I'm working on a sweater for my nephew and I'm very excited about it because I've never actually made a sweater before.  Should be fine, though.

The Way Hope Works.

I'm in a difficult situation.  One I've never really been in before.  

I've had a decent number of boyfriends in my life.  I'm pretty sure my parents only liked maybe two of them.  In the past I've more or less managed to avoid openly being with someone my parents hated.  All of my relationships lasted six months or less, except for two.  The shitstorm with Sterling and my current relationship.

Knowing my parents hated Sterling made me realize I could never spend my life with him, even if I forgave him for everything he put me through (which I have) and still loved him enough to want to be with him (which I don't).  

After Yoshi visited me in Redding last summer while we were having a lot of problems with our relationship (read: me being an insensitive asshole because I felt him stagnating/being dishonest with me and him being depressed as a result of pressure I was putting on him and neither of us talking about it) and they saw how unhappy I was and how dysfunctional our relationship was then, it seemed as though my parents more or less put him in the same box as Sterling.  

Now that we've solved most of our issues they seem to be the last to forgive him.  I understand because they haven't seen him once since last summer and the bullshit that occurred between August and November and they've always been protective of me.  I've obviously been kind of an idiot with men (see just about any entry from 2011/12).  It's just hard when the only relationship I've ever wanted to actually stay in for more than a year, the one I'd like to stay in for the rest of my life, is with one of the apparent multitude of men my parents hate.

At this point it feels as though every man I date is going to be someone my parents don't like.  And maybe that has to do with the kind of man they've always envisioned me being with.  I know they think I date losers and men who seek me out because of my strong personality.  I know that it's likely that they wouldn't like Yoshi even if they actually took the time to get to know him, but I wish that they would be willing to take that time.

It kills me every day to know that I have found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and there is nothing he can do to be good enough for my parents.  And I hate that his family is so wonderful to me while mine pretty much shuns him.  I know that it hurts him, too, because he always dreamed that he would be close to his in-laws.  I dreamed that, too.  I wish we could both see our dreams come true.

I guess this is the downside to being close to your family and having respect for their opinions.  That it rips you apart when they don't approve of your choices or the one you love.

Sometimes I wonder if they are testing me.  That if I really want to be with someone I'll stick it out no matter what they seem to think about him.  I don't think that's likely, but if it is what's happening it's kind of an equally awful situation.

I'm lucky that Oose loves him so much.  She always did.  I think she always knew.  I think when you're as close to someone as we are you see when their partner actually fits as a potential lifemate.

I wish my parents could better understand the part I played in what happened last fall.  I wish they could see how happy I am now.  

Maybe one day they will.  

All I can do is hope.

Bad Repairs.

Repairs in my apartment complex start at 8:30 AM.

I am still on winter break.

Today they were apparently replacing the edging on all the windows.  

I know this because I woke up to banging noises coming from my patio.  So I laid in bed for a little while and played a game on my cell phone.  About a half an hour later they managed to make it to my bedroom window.

The head of my bed is under the window but the headboard doesn't actually touch the windowsill.  Which lead me to be a little concerned by how much the bed was moving while the workers outside were nailing the new edging onto the outer wall.

Also, I came home from spending a couple of weeks at my parents house to find this on my patio.




This is one of two support beams that now attaches to the cement slab on my patio from the upstairs patio.  This wouldn't be a problem, except that neither of the couches currently in my living room fit through the only other door with access to the outside of the apartment.  We got both couches, my bed, and the dining room table in through the patio.

The gate opens to the pole.  And that's it.

I don't know how we will be able to move out.  Ever.

In short, the people in charge of repairs and renovations for this complex are stupid.  They are big stupid poopy heads.

On the New Year.

This year I'm making some things different.

I'm refusing to make any resolutions.  It's just a list of shit I wish I were doing on a regular basis or want to accomplish that I'll forget about before April.  Instead I'm basically forcing myself to be stronger than I have been in the last couple of years.  While I've been at school I've allowed myself to become soft and lazy.  Again.

The first thing I want to work on is actually having willpower.

I have wanted to lost weight and take better care of myself for a while, but I haven't.  Or I have for a few days and then I wanted pizza.  Or I just didn't eat for a few days and then went back to normal.  Not healthy.

No more snacking because I'm bored and maybe a little hungry.  No more drinking juice and tea instead of water.  Yes, water is super fucking boring to drink.  But I'm getting used to it.  My pee is clear and that's pretty cool.

It's hard to work on the other thing I'm concerned about accomplishing while I'm still on vacation, but I want to make sure I don't procrastinate like I have been.

Actually, I can't afford to this semester.  Financial aid fucked me over a little bit for my last semester as an undergrad and now there's no way I can manage to not work this semester.  Not that I haven't been working at all, but I need something where I will make enough to pay rent.  This means I'll continue doing my advertising work for my boss in Redding but I need a part time retail job or something equally shitty to help pay my bills.  Thank God I paid off my car in June.

So, treating my body better.  Getting a job and being responsible again.  Not procrastinating on homework or work.  These are my self-improvement goals not for this year but for in general.

And I would really like to get back to this blog.  I miss it.  Quite a bit.  I just haven't felt like any of my stories lately were worth telling.  Or I didn't have time and forgot them.  I want to work on not doing that anymore.


Oh, God.  The recorded show my dad was watching before he went to bed ended and the TV automatically went back to the channel he had it on before he changed it to the DVR.  TV minister is selling Miracle Spring Water.  It's like his salesman preacher voice is boring into my brain.  Like those Yeerk things in Animorphs.  I'm the only one who can change the channel.  It's in the other room.

I have to go.

P.S. 2013 sucked balls and I'm glad it's over.  2014 will be awesome.  Because I said so.

Year One

I'm starting to reach a point where I can actually feel the difference between the mentality of those around me and my own.  To put it more simply, I feel old.  I feel just... Old drowning in a sea of young.  I'm 26.  I'm mentally and emotionally ready for my future to be my present, but my situation (primarily scholastically) hasn't caught up yet.

I love my friends and family.  I love them with every part of me.  I adore my boyfriend.  And I'm pleased to say that I am finally starting to feel that he and I are on a place of equal footing in regards to our goals.  I just wish I wasn't constantly fighting an internal struggle between fulfilling my wants and needs to the best of my ability and trying to make my family happy.  

More than anything else, I'm tired of school.  I'm tired of being a student and of the expectations that come with being a student.  I'm tired of never feeling like my time is my own.  At least when I was working full-time I could come home and relax.  Some people don't realize the time involved in being a student.  I don't get to come home and relax, even when I try.  And being a musician is worse because you have to stay and practice before you get to come home and do homework.  Or you have extra rehearsals for things in which you would prefer to not have any involvement at all.

I guess at least I only have a few more weeks and then next semester and then I'm finished being a musician.  That thought saddens me but also makes me really relieved.  Maybe I'll feel better when I'm on winter break and I don't have to worry about school for a few weeks.

In other news, Yoshi and I recently celebrated our one-year anniversary as a couple.  I don't know what happened, but I recently fell in love with him all over again.  And I realized how much he does to try to make me happy.  Which is pretty much everything.  He wakes me up with tea in the morning.  He cleans my kitchen all the time.  He even cleaned my room for me last week.  He got a second job this week, as well, so that was really exciting.  And we made peanut butter chocolate chip cupcakes with peanut butter and chocolate chip frosting last night.  I love homemade frosting-- which is why I don't make it that often-- and the chocolate and peanut butter together were pretty much amazing.