This semester was pretty not great for me.
I am currently (once again) poor as fuck and trying to figure out how I can manage to get a job next semester. I'm still having issues with my back from being rear-ended in October and going to the chiropractor three times a week for the last nearly two months really threw off my schedule.
Most importantly, I am trying to decide whether or not I want to continue being a musician. I used to love it so much. Now it's just tedious. It's not really boring, but it doesn't hold my interest because it's not enjoyable anymore. It's just difficult.
Obviously I still love singing because that is something I've always enjoyed. But that's part of my problem. I want it to be fun and something I enjoy and it's not. It's just work and a hell of a lot of me feeling inadequate. All semester there has been no redemption. The most I enjoyed myself was goofing off or at unofficial gigs.
I've decided to complete my business major instead of keeping it a minor and I won't be pursuing my Master's degree in music. There's no point in continuing that far in a field of study that just makes me feel like shit.
I would actually like to nix my music degree altogether despite the fact that I would lose my scholarship, but I am more than halfway finished with it. Unless I can find an alternative route (like getting a BA instead of a BM) I feel I have to stick with it. The worst part about that is having to do my recitals because at this point I really, really don't want to do them and it's holding me back from performing well.
All this is exceptionally frustrating and stressful. I'm surprised at how well I held up this semester, actually.
Now, on to other things...
In ways not related to school or money I've been really happy this semester.
I have wonderful friends, my family is awesome (I realized how difficult it would be to be far away from them for a long time; moving for school was hard enough), and I have the BEST boyfriend. I'm not joking.
I met this amazing man who actually understands me and who I love so completely it almost hurts. Things were rough at first because we were both afraid and standoffish. But after we allowed things to progress naturally we realized how perfect we are for each other.
He is kind and tender with me, but also kind of a cocky asshole. He isn't always predictable but he is comfortable in his own skin and he is comfortable with who I am. He's constantly trying to show me off. Constantly creating insanely romantic moments and ruining them (which I just love). Constantly finding ways to make me feel like his queen. And constantly surprising me.
I've never had someone make me cry from sheer happiness or excitement before. But he does.
Also, when I told him that I looked in his Facebook on his computer he told me that he appreciated me telling him, but I didn't need to worry about it because he has nothing to hide from me and he never will. I can look through his stuff all I want and it will never matter.
I'm glad that I talked to Sterling last semester and this summer because those conversations ultimately helped me see how not right for me he was. I have not once regretted my decision to stop talking to him and I really think I did it when I was meant to. I wish him happiness and success. But I also wish not to be a part of it.
Finding the person who is right for you really helps clarify how wrong every single other person on the planet is for you.