Monday, December 17, 2012

That's All Over.

This semester was pretty not great for me.

I am currently (once again) poor as fuck and trying to figure out how I can manage to get a job next semester.  I'm still having issues with my back from being rear-ended in October and going to the chiropractor three times a week for the last nearly two months really threw off my schedule.

Most importantly, I am trying to decide whether or not I want to continue being a musician.  I used to love it so much.  Now it's just tedious.  It's not really boring, but it doesn't hold my interest because it's not enjoyable anymore.  It's just difficult.

Obviously I still love singing because that is something I've always enjoyed.  But that's part of my problem.  I want it to be fun and something I enjoy and it's not.  It's just work and a hell of a lot of me feeling inadequate.  All semester there has been no redemption.  The most I enjoyed myself was goofing off or at unofficial gigs.

I've decided to complete my business major instead of keeping it a minor and I won't be pursuing my Master's degree in music.  There's no point in continuing that far in a field of study that just makes me feel like shit.

I would actually like to nix my music degree altogether despite the fact that I would lose my scholarship, but I am more than halfway finished with it.  Unless I can find an alternative route (like getting a BA instead of a BM) I feel I have to stick with it.  The worst part about that is having to do my recitals because at this point I really, really don't want to do them and it's holding me back from performing well.

All this is exceptionally frustrating and stressful.  I'm surprised at how well I held up this semester, actually.

Now, on to other things...

In ways not related to school or money I've been really happy this semester.

I have wonderful friends, my family is awesome (I realized how difficult it would be to be far away from them for a long time; moving for school was hard enough), and I have the BEST boyfriend.  I'm not joking.

I met this amazing man who actually understands me and who I love so completely it almost hurts.  Things were rough at first because we were both afraid and standoffish.  But after we allowed things to progress naturally we realized how perfect we are for each other.

He is kind and tender with me, but also kind of a cocky asshole.  He isn't always predictable but he is comfortable in his own skin and he is comfortable with who I am.  He's constantly trying to show me off.  Constantly creating insanely romantic moments and ruining them (which I just love).  Constantly finding ways to make me feel like his queen.  And constantly surprising me.

I've never had someone make me cry from sheer happiness or excitement before.  But he does.

Also, when I told him that I looked in his Facebook on his computer he told me that he appreciated me telling him, but I didn't need to worry about it because he has nothing to hide from me and he never will.  I can look through his stuff all I want and it will never matter.

I'm glad that I talked to Sterling last semester and this summer because those conversations ultimately helped me see how not right for me he was.  I have not once regretted my decision to stop talking to him and I really think I did it when I was meant to.  I wish him happiness and success.  But I also wish not to be a part of it.

Finding the person who is right for you really helps clarify how wrong every single other person on the planet is for you.


  1. That's the thing about college--it has this way of ruining fields we love. I am absolutely passionate about education and becoming a teacher, but I have had entire years where my classes were so awful that I wanted to run for the hills. Hell, this semester makes me want to give up. The reason I never do is because of the end result. I know that my end result is going to be me in a classroom doing what I love and not fretting over all of the horrific Ped classes I took.

    I wish that music could be the same for you. I hate to see you give it up. It's SO sad to me that you no longer love or feel adequate at something that has carried you so far. But it's your life, and only know how what's best for you, so I support whatever it is you decide to do!

    As for this man, it sounds wonderful! I am so happy for you. I can't tell you what a relief it is to see you so happy with someone who isn't that douche. YAY!

    keep posting, I miss chatting! And maybe stop by Chico this winter? ;)

    1. Thanks, Patty. :) It's not just the ped classes. It's the performance stuff and all the work I have to put into performing. Most of all, it's how far I'd have to be from my family and the fact that to be a performer I have to really put myself into my performances and I'm not cocky enough to be able to handle that level of rejection day in and day out. Every time I didn't get something I auditioned for I would take it personally. Especially because I have this intense desire to be the best at everything. I plan to finish out my degree and then if I decide I want to perform sometimes I'll have it. But I realized that music doesn't make me feel competent anymore because I'm really bad at theory and being vulnerable. Also, I really don't want to have to depend on performing as a source of income because it's not very dependable. And if I tried to make a career of it I couldn't think about starting to have a family for at least another decade. When I started actually thinking about all of these things I realized that even though I like singing and it's what got me back into school, etc., it's just not my life anymore. That's who I was as a teenager and while I would really like to relive some of those experiences, it will never be the same. And I'm actually okay with that.

      Haha! I'm relieved to be with someone who isn't a douche, too! Seriously, though. He treats me like a princess. It's incredible.

      I wish I had more time to post during school. I think about it, then I fall asleep. :( I've already been thinking about that. If I can afford the trip down or figure out a ride, I would love to come visit! I feel bad that I haven't made it down to see you yet.

  2. You know what I was just thinking? Next semester I will most likely be spending my life in Corning because of my new placement, and that's like halfway to Redding. So, if you happen to be home any time during the semester, I could make a trip up leaving from Corning, or we could meet in Corning or something.

    A girl can hope ;)

    1. Oooh... That's exciting! Well, kinda. I mean, you're in Corning; that's not really exciting. But Corning is so close to the freeway and I'll be on the freeway. If I don't bring my cats we can meet for lunch or something. It's just harder to stop with them because I already feel so bad they're stuck in the car. But you'll be RIGHT THERE, so I'll have to stop at some point. Yay!

  3. I'm really glad you are happy. That makes me smile...