I made the decision to stop talking to Bambi again a little over a week ago.
Over the course of the summer, particularly since I arrived in Alaska, I had been becoming pretty disenchanted with the concept of even being friends with him. This was even more complicated by the fact that he would call me when he'd been drinking and get all affectionate with me. I was trying to just be friends and he was calling me from his girlfriend's parents' home phone (so she wouldn't catch him talking to me on his cell phone that she paid for) telling me how he still loved me and just knew that I was his forever, that he was trying to ready things so he could move out on his own and I should come visit him. He even tried to get me to come spend a day with him in the bay area. He'd pay for my gas and I could drive over on his day off and we could hang out and go see movies or something.
I just got sick and tired of feeling as though he was being two-faced and lying to me. I was tired of him telling me what he wanted and how he planned to do it, then standing by as he did nothing and not being able to say anything about it because he'd get pissed off at me if I did and spend a few days punishing me by not talking to me.
There is no reason for me to fight for something I don't even want. So I stopped.
I stopped letting him try to fight me and manipulate me. Gradually, I stopped caring. Until I finally I told him all the things I'd been saving up that I knew he didn't want to hear. He said we should probably stop talking and I agreed. Then I told him more things I knew he wouldn't want to hear, told him not to try to talk to me when his girlfriend gets pissed and starts treating him like shit again, and logged out of the email account we'd been writing each other in, never to return.
I won't even go back in to delete it.
The funny thing is that I really haven't thought about it much since I did it. Granted, I've been kind of busy. But that's how my life has been for the last year. And he is no longer a part of my life or who I am. I've been thinking this would hurt a lot more than it did. I barely noticed.
It's odd to think that I once defined myself by him and how he felt about me. I'm glad I no longer do. I'm a much stronger person than I ever was with him and there's no way he could handle who I am now. I don't care to backtrack into who I used to be to make someone as worthless as him care about me.
I'm happier without him in my life at all than I am with him in it. He is stressful for no reason and he really doesn't do me any good. I'd rather hold out for someone who makes me feel good consistently; someone who is as good for me as I am for him. I've finally come to terms with the fact that Sterling will never be good for me. My future is brighter without him in it.
He made me grow up and he made me feel loved, but he never made me happy. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay with moving on.
And so I am.